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peopleofthedas2011-04-21 11:20 pm
sagacious_rage) wrote in peopleofthedas2011-04-21 11:20 pm
When all your friends jump off a bridge...
Title: The Best Laid Plans of Ferrets and Women
Rating: PG for references to genitalia
Pairing F!Hawke/Sebastian
Warnings: none
Word Count: 1508
Story Summary: Goaded by her friends' taunts, Laica has something to prove.
Author's Note: I totally stoleestaratshirai's Philomene, twist_shimmy's Faolan, and solitae's Lilian. And this is all based on a conversation we were having on Formspring last night. *twitches from withdrawal*
The Best Laid Plans of Ferrets and Women
Laica lifted her chin haughtily to cover her embarrassment. “That's right. I haven't.”
Lilian and Faolan shared disbelieving glances. Even Philomene looked surprised. (That was probably the worst part.)
“You mean to tell me,” Lilian said slowly. “That in the seven years you've been chasing after the man you haven't actually managed to get him in bed?”
She looked back down at her sketchbook, which was currently full of wedding dress concepts. “It's just that... well... you know...” she blushed even harder, completely flustered. “He takes his vows very seriously.”
There was a long silence. Faolan was the first to start laughing. Then Lilian. And then even Philomene.
“How is that even possible,” Faolan said, completely baffled. “Do you just... what do you do with him?”
“We talk and hold hands. Sometimes he asks me to pray with him.” Laica frowned, scribbling more ruffles on one of her sketches. “I actually like him, Faolan. You could try that sometime, you know.”
Faolan wrinkled her nose. “Not if I have to wait seven years.”
“Laica, sweetie,” Lilian said in that tone of voice that always set off warning bells in Laica's mind. “How can you be sure there's even, you know, anything there?”
Laica bit her lip, afraid to say exactly what made her so sure. But they were going to laugh at her regardless, and she couldn't bear the thought of her friends thinking her to-be a gelding. “Well, um,” she swallowed. “Sometimes it sort of looks like Andraste is,” she waved her hand. “Nodding.”
This set off another gale of laughter from the other three. Laica angrily sketched a plunging neckline.
“But,” Lilian gasped. “That could be anything! It could just be his armor shifting or... or...” she dissolved into giggles.
Laica rolled her eyes. “I'm not an innocent maiden. I know what it is! And unless he's smuggling ferrets or something I think I have nothing to worry about on that front.” She turned back to her sketches. “Unless that buckle is compensating for something. Andraste forgive me. If that's the case then I cannot be held responsible for my actions.”
“What's the Chantry's position on smuggling ferrets, I wonder,” Philomene mused. “You should ask.”
“I'm not going to ask him if he's smuggling ferrets in his codpiece, Philomene Surana!” Laica exclaimed.
“You should. I'm pretty sure that's some kind of sin,” Faolan pointed out.
“It's a moot point whether it's a sin or not because he doesn't do it!” Laica said, rapidly shifting from flustered to angry.
“It's like I've always said, the tighter they're wound, the kinkier they are,” Lilian said sagely. “It might not even be ferrets. It might something even weirder. Like chipmunks.”
Laica gritted her teeth. “My beloved does not transport any sort of rodent in his underthings.”
“So you say,” Lilian said, eyes sparkling with mischief. “But seeing as you've never actually seen him sans said underthings, you can't really be sure, can you?”
They all began to snicker again. Laica was fed up. “I'll prove it to you!” she declared, standing up.
They all exchanged worried looks. “Exactly how do you plan to do that,” Faolan asked cagily.
“There are windows in the Chantry dormitory baths,” Laica sniffed. “We'll just have to climb up there when he's,” she swallowed, “bathing. And then you'll all see the Pride of Starkhaven for yourselves.”
And so the four of them left the bar and found themselves outside the Kirkwall Chantry dormitory. Lilian curled her nose. “I always hated this place,” she glowered.
“That's neither here nor there,” Laica said dismissively as she pulled on her climbing gloves. “Right, I'll go first.”
“Wait,” Faolan stopped her. “Why don't we just turn into bees?”
“What?” Laica asked, baffled.
“What?” Lilian echoed, just as confused.
“You mean like Morrigan?” Philomene tilted her head. “She never got around to teaching me how.”
Faolan looked from one to the other in increasing exasperation. “Are you serious? None of you now how to turn into bees? Ugh!” she threw up her hands. “You're all useless.”
Laica rolled her eyes. “Anyway. The windows are up there. It's about a two-and-a-half story climb. And we'll have to do it quick, the guard will wander back here from time to time.”
Philomene looked up and gulped. “Why don't you all just... go ahead. I'll take your word for it, I don't actually need to see it for myself.”
Laica turned to Faolan. “And you?”
Faolan shrugged. “I'm fine down here. If anything interesting happens, well, bees.”
“I can't think of anything I'm less interested in than choir boy's sacred jewels,” Lilian scoffed.
“Fine then I'll go by myself!” Laica exclaimed. “Just do me a favor and call out if somebody's coming.” She began climbing the rough walls.
“Wouldn't that alert the guard as much as it does you?” Lilian asked.
“I don't know!” Laica slipped slightly before catching herself and continuing on. “Hoot like an owl or something!”
“What if we chatter like a ferret?” quipped Faolan. “Think you'd recognize that?”
“I hate you all,” Laica fumed, finally reaching the window and pulling herself up until she was supporting herself on her upper arms, body dangling.
She had timed it perfectly. The baths were empty, save Sebastian clad in nothing but his birthday suit, standing in a waist-high tub. He was humming happily to himself, scrubbing his arms and chest with a small cake of soap. The suds slowly slid down his skin, traveling down the dips between the well-formed muscles on his back and then continuing on. Laica blushed and looked away, embarrassed that she was even looking at his backside.
Even though it was a very nice one.
Her arms began to ache from supporting all her weight. She shifted, trying to find a more comfortable position. “Turn around,” she whispered, pleading. “Please!”
“What's going on?” Faolan called. “You're not going to fall, are you?”
Laica turned to look down. “Shh!” she hissed.
She turned back. The cake of soap was on the ledge of the bath behind him, and he was sluicing water over his head. She turned back to Faolan. “I hate you so much!”
“What, is it really ferrets?” she answered, awestruck. “Oh, I have to see this!” And she raised her arms to begin transforming.
“No it is not ferrets thank you very much stop distracting me I haven't actually seen anything yet and,” she sighed in exasperation and turned back.
Sebastian was climbing out of the bath and reaching for a towel, which was on the other side of the room.
“No!” Laica cried. “Not again!”
Sebastian froze. Laica clapped her hand over her mouth. “Pleasedon'tlookupPleasedon'tlookup”she mumbled into her palm.
He crouched and turned, clearly expecting an attack. “Show yourselves, cowards!” he challenged, grabbing a bottle of bath oil as if to use it for a weapon.
Laica's arms were trembling so hard she could feel it in her ears. “No, it's not like that!” was all she was able to say before her strength finally gave out. Too surprised to scream, she dropped like a stone.
There was a split second where she was sure she was about to die. In all her life, with all her near-death experiences and actual death experiences, she never really felt like it would stick. But this time she was sure. And in retrospect, it was probably because she never felt like she actually deserved it before.
Her friends. Void take them all.
But Laica's split-second fatalism was interrupted when she unceremoniously crashed into a hastily-erected fade shield.
“Ow,” she groaned as she tried to sit up, blinking the stars from her vision.
“Easy, now,” Lilian sighed, helping her. “You fell pretty awkwardly.”
“Yes, well, no thanks to you lot,” she grumbled, brushing the crumbled masonry from her arms. “Um. Thanks for saving me.”
“I'm not going to let you get hurt, Laica,” Faolan said matter-of-factly. “So, what's the story? Squirrels? Field mice?”
Laica bit back a giggle. “No. Not at all. Just like I told you.”
“The buckle is compensation, though, right?” Lilian smirked.
Laica's eyes went round at the memory. “Oh, no,” she said, deadly serious. “It's more like an... advertisement.”
The other women were quiet a moment as they considered this. “Still not worth seven years,” Faolan said finally.
They all started at the sound of shouts from within the chantry. “Oh balls,” Laica cursed. “The guard. Let's bolt.”
Philomene helped her to her feet and they all ducked in an alley and scampered back to the bar.
Rating: PG for references to genitalia
Pairing F!Hawke/Sebastian
Warnings: none
Word Count: 1508
Story Summary: Goaded by her friends' taunts, Laica has something to prove.
Author's Note: I totally stole
estaratshirai's Philomene, twist_shimmy's Faolan, and solitae's Lilian. And this is all based on a conversation we were having on Formspring last night. *twitches from withdrawal*Laica lifted her chin haughtily to cover her embarrassment. “That's right. I haven't.”
Lilian and Faolan shared disbelieving glances. Even Philomene looked surprised. (That was probably the worst part.)
“You mean to tell me,” Lilian said slowly. “That in the seven years you've been chasing after the man you haven't actually managed to get him in bed?”
She looked back down at her sketchbook, which was currently full of wedding dress concepts. “It's just that... well... you know...” she blushed even harder, completely flustered. “He takes his vows very seriously.”
There was a long silence. Faolan was the first to start laughing. Then Lilian. And then even Philomene.
“How is that even possible,” Faolan said, completely baffled. “Do you just... what do you do with him?”
“We talk and hold hands. Sometimes he asks me to pray with him.” Laica frowned, scribbling more ruffles on one of her sketches. “I actually like him, Faolan. You could try that sometime, you know.”
Faolan wrinkled her nose. “Not if I have to wait seven years.”
“Laica, sweetie,” Lilian said in that tone of voice that always set off warning bells in Laica's mind. “How can you be sure there's even, you know, anything there?”
Laica bit her lip, afraid to say exactly what made her so sure. But they were going to laugh at her regardless, and she couldn't bear the thought of her friends thinking her to-be a gelding. “Well, um,” she swallowed. “Sometimes it sort of looks like Andraste is,” she waved her hand. “Nodding.”
This set off another gale of laughter from the other three. Laica angrily sketched a plunging neckline.
“But,” Lilian gasped. “That could be anything! It could just be his armor shifting or... or...” she dissolved into giggles.
Laica rolled her eyes. “I'm not an innocent maiden. I know what it is! And unless he's smuggling ferrets or something I think I have nothing to worry about on that front.” She turned back to her sketches. “Unless that buckle is compensating for something. Andraste forgive me. If that's the case then I cannot be held responsible for my actions.”
“What's the Chantry's position on smuggling ferrets, I wonder,” Philomene mused. “You should ask.”
“I'm not going to ask him if he's smuggling ferrets in his codpiece, Philomene Surana!” Laica exclaimed.
“You should. I'm pretty sure that's some kind of sin,” Faolan pointed out.
“It's a moot point whether it's a sin or not because he doesn't do it!” Laica said, rapidly shifting from flustered to angry.
“It's like I've always said, the tighter they're wound, the kinkier they are,” Lilian said sagely. “It might not even be ferrets. It might something even weirder. Like chipmunks.”
Laica gritted her teeth. “My beloved does not transport any sort of rodent in his underthings.”
“So you say,” Lilian said, eyes sparkling with mischief. “But seeing as you've never actually seen him sans said underthings, you can't really be sure, can you?”
They all began to snicker again. Laica was fed up. “I'll prove it to you!” she declared, standing up.
They all exchanged worried looks. “Exactly how do you plan to do that,” Faolan asked cagily.
“There are windows in the Chantry dormitory baths,” Laica sniffed. “We'll just have to climb up there when he's,” she swallowed, “bathing. And then you'll all see the Pride of Starkhaven for yourselves.”
And so the four of them left the bar and found themselves outside the Kirkwall Chantry dormitory. Lilian curled her nose. “I always hated this place,” she glowered.
“That's neither here nor there,” Laica said dismissively as she pulled on her climbing gloves. “Right, I'll go first.”
“Wait,” Faolan stopped her. “Why don't we just turn into bees?”
“What?” Laica asked, baffled.
“What?” Lilian echoed, just as confused.
“You mean like Morrigan?” Philomene tilted her head. “She never got around to teaching me how.”
Faolan looked from one to the other in increasing exasperation. “Are you serious? None of you now how to turn into bees? Ugh!” she threw up her hands. “You're all useless.”
Laica rolled her eyes. “Anyway. The windows are up there. It's about a two-and-a-half story climb. And we'll have to do it quick, the guard will wander back here from time to time.”
Philomene looked up and gulped. “Why don't you all just... go ahead. I'll take your word for it, I don't actually need to see it for myself.”
Laica turned to Faolan. “And you?”
Faolan shrugged. “I'm fine down here. If anything interesting happens, well, bees.”
“I can't think of anything I'm less interested in than choir boy's sacred jewels,” Lilian scoffed.
“Fine then I'll go by myself!” Laica exclaimed. “Just do me a favor and call out if somebody's coming.” She began climbing the rough walls.
“Wouldn't that alert the guard as much as it does you?” Lilian asked.
“I don't know!” Laica slipped slightly before catching herself and continuing on. “Hoot like an owl or something!”
“What if we chatter like a ferret?” quipped Faolan. “Think you'd recognize that?”
“I hate you all,” Laica fumed, finally reaching the window and pulling herself up until she was supporting herself on her upper arms, body dangling.
She had timed it perfectly. The baths were empty, save Sebastian clad in nothing but his birthday suit, standing in a waist-high tub. He was humming happily to himself, scrubbing his arms and chest with a small cake of soap. The suds slowly slid down his skin, traveling down the dips between the well-formed muscles on his back and then continuing on. Laica blushed and looked away, embarrassed that she was even looking at his backside.
Even though it was a very nice one.
Her arms began to ache from supporting all her weight. She shifted, trying to find a more comfortable position. “Turn around,” she whispered, pleading. “Please!”
“What's going on?” Faolan called. “You're not going to fall, are you?”
Laica turned to look down. “Shh!” she hissed.
She turned back. The cake of soap was on the ledge of the bath behind him, and he was sluicing water over his head. She turned back to Faolan. “I hate you so much!”
“What, is it really ferrets?” she answered, awestruck. “Oh, I have to see this!” And she raised her arms to begin transforming.
“No it is not ferrets thank you very much stop distracting me I haven't actually seen anything yet and,” she sighed in exasperation and turned back.
Sebastian was climbing out of the bath and reaching for a towel, which was on the other side of the room.
“No!” Laica cried. “Not again!”
Sebastian froze. Laica clapped her hand over her mouth. “Pleasedon'tlookupPleasedon'tlookup”she mumbled into her palm.
He crouched and turned, clearly expecting an attack. “Show yourselves, cowards!” he challenged, grabbing a bottle of bath oil as if to use it for a weapon.
Laica's arms were trembling so hard she could feel it in her ears. “No, it's not like that!” was all she was able to say before her strength finally gave out. Too surprised to scream, she dropped like a stone.
There was a split second where she was sure she was about to die. In all her life, with all her near-death experiences and actual death experiences, she never really felt like it would stick. But this time she was sure. And in retrospect, it was probably because she never felt like she actually deserved it before.
Her friends. Void take them all.
But Laica's split-second fatalism was interrupted when she unceremoniously crashed into a hastily-erected fade shield.
“Ow,” she groaned as she tried to sit up, blinking the stars from her vision.
“Easy, now,” Lilian sighed, helping her. “You fell pretty awkwardly.”
“Yes, well, no thanks to you lot,” she grumbled, brushing the crumbled masonry from her arms. “Um. Thanks for saving me.”
“I'm not going to let you get hurt, Laica,” Faolan said matter-of-factly. “So, what's the story? Squirrels? Field mice?”
Laica bit back a giggle. “No. Not at all. Just like I told you.”
“The buckle is compensation, though, right?” Lilian smirked.
Laica's eyes went round at the memory. “Oh, no,” she said, deadly serious. “It's more like an... advertisement.”
The other women were quiet a moment as they considered this. “Still not worth seven years,” Faolan said finally.
They all started at the sound of shouts from within the chantry. “Oh balls,” Laica cursed. “The guard. Let's bolt.”
Philomene helped her to her feet and they all ducked in an alley and scampered back to the bar.
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I lost it at “Show yourselves, cowards!” he challenged, grabbing a bottle of bath oil as if to use it for a weapon. Absolutely lost it.
<3
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ANYWAY SO WHEN IS FORMSPRING COMING BACK THEY SAID LIKE 2 HOURS AGO AND IT'S NOT THERE KRI KRI
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She definitely got a good look, all I'm saying.
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I am giggling so hard.
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Seven years is a very long time to try a person's patience. Yes.
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Lilian is all too pleased with her role in that madness.
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And yeah this isn't getting posted anywhere else. I can't even try to explain.
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It goes something like "Well, there's this Fade Bar..." *funny look* "..then Seb smuggling ferrets in his pants* *backs away slowly*
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Look he doesn't have a whole lot of options, ok? It's not like the baths have a full armory!
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...I'll be in my bunk.
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The imagine of Andraste's head bobbing over his crotch... well... hilarious!
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Andraste does nod though. It is known.
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