bellaknoti (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bellaknoti) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
peopleofthedas2010-11-02 12:59 am
bellaknoti) wrote in peopleofthedas2010-11-02 12:59 am
fanfic: Making Our Own Destiny
Series: Making Our Own Destiny
Title: Soul Deep (Chapter Five)
Rating: M
Pairing: Zevran/Withiel Tabris
Summary: Just when I think I've got a handle on things, something has to go and tear me down. If I didn't trust her judgment so much, Wynne would not be able to have this affect on me, but, sodding shem, she made me complacent, made me think of her as a hahren, and now look what she's done.
lean my head against this bark
rough, cold
bugs
dark up here
trunk in the way
can't see the fire
can't hear them
good
night is alive
deer passing
owl on the hunt
screech of mouse
fear of rabbit
mind quiet
no darkspawn
tired, tired
just for now, no leading
no questions
no decisions
back alley kid makes good
knife-eared whore with pretensions
Warden with a duty
woman with a history
damaged goods
no time for love, she says
duty
honour
tainted
no good, no good
so cry, cry
weak
worthless
chattel
slave
learn your place, learn your place
one collar to another
slavery to slavery
just another body on the pile
keep hiding
coward
hollow shadow
girl who used to be
all burnt up
all torn up
all used up
gone
.:o:.:o:.:o:.:o:.:o:.
"Withiel."
his voice
"Withiel."
remember:
whispering in the dark
warmth
golden eyes
safe arms
scent of leather
beeswax
cinnamon
open your eyes
open your---
"...Zev?"
His face isn't blacked; I can see him there, watching me from the next branch. I shudder, close my eyes.
no
not for you
only duty
no love
"Withiel." I hear him moving. My branch shakes. His hand slides up my ankle, giving me warning. He carefully, gently, pulls my hands away from my face. I squeeze my eyes shut, turn away.
can't bear it
don't look
no more
no more
not for us
can't be, can't be
tainted
wrong
don't deserve it
forget me
"...don't... don't..."
coward
"You are a very hard person to find, when you want to be. I came to tell you: I heard what she said to you."
cry, yes cry
pathetic
His thumb brushes the tears away from my cheek. Just like the first time.
more tears
perfect
sodding weak
I squeeze my eyes tighter, shaking. I sob, before I can choke it back.
remember:
tattoos
skin
lips
hair
breath
I sob again and shudder. I fold my arms over my stomach, but I can't hold it in. I could have borne it in silence, but now he's here, touching me, and he's the only one safe enough for me to cry in front of. I'm too weak, too selfish.
I moan quietly, the dam breaking completely, and I can't stop. I hate my weakness, but his arms are around me, and I can smell the comforting scent of his neck. The hard steel of the strength in him makes me feel so safe in his embrace. I curl against him, clutching a handful of his shirt; he whispers to me in Antivan, and it sounds like music. Eventually, I shudder to a halt, and look around.
His back is against the trunk, straddling the branch. I lay my head on his chest and listen to his heart beat as he strokes my hair.
"What, I wonder, could drive her to begin such a conversation with you?" This is the first question he has asked. I close my eyes again; my face is hot and the tears still threaten, but I can swallow them back this time. I clear my throat, trying not to choke on my lie.
"I don't know."
"Tch. You cannot seriously believe I am so easily fooled as that; you will have to do better." His voice is mild, but I can hear the reproach.
I sigh. "It's because she knows."
"About us? Everyone knows about us. We have not made any effort to keep our sleeping arrangement a secret."
"That..." I shut my mouth, but it's already too late.
He tilts his head to the side, looking down at me, and he is not amused. "What. You do know what this is about. Why do you try to hide these things from me? You know I will only discover the truth in the end."
I sigh. He is right, again. "I do know. I just... I can't..." I'm not going to cry again. I'm not.
He smooths my hair away from my face and watches me intently. "There is something so very horrible that it terrifies even you?"
I smile, in spite of myself. I may seem fearsome and resolute to the others, but he is the one who has witnessed my weakness. "She showed me my selfish heart. I don't deserve it, not any of it."
"What could possibly be selfish about the heart of a woman who has saved so many, at such great personal sacrifice?"
"You."
"Ahh, it is 'irresponsible' to be spending time with me, yes? Hmmm." He thinks on this for a moment, then says, "This is what terrifies you so? The thought of not sharing my bed?"
I laugh, a half-hysterical little strangled noise. "Well, it's not quite that simple," I confess.
I can feel him pause; I wouldn't hear it, except that I've got my ear pressed to his chest: his breath catches. His shoulders tighten, ever so slightly, and I feel that, too. Yet, he keeps his voice light when he asks me to "Explain."
I take a deep, shaking breath. "I am tainted, ruined. She's right; it is selfish of me to want more than the duty I've been handed, and unfair to you."
He relaxes again. "I thought this was a thing we shared. Have you somehow become worse since last night?"
I shake my head. "No, nothing has changed." I press closer to him, hugging him very tightly. He gathers me into his arms, tucks my head more securely under his chin. "There are some things I can't say, not even to you. But... but I can talk to you, when I can't to anyone else. Do you know you're the only person not my family who has ever seen me cry? It hurts, so much, that she thinks I should leave you, because I--” I swallow, hard. No, we are not going to speak of such things. “Er, because you're the only person I trust. She tells me I can't think about my own needs, that I have to stop getting distracted and focus on the threat of the Blight, and all of the people who are dying because of it."
I bury my face in his neck, my voice very small with the weight of the confession I spill out now. "I just can't think like that, no matter how hard I try. I... I need you, Zev. It's selfish and cowardly and weak and pathetic, but I can't stand on my own. I need to be able to count on the fact that at least you have got my back. I need to know that at the end of the day, I can lie down next to you, that you want me there, that I can be safe with you, even if it's only an illusion. I need just one thing in my life to be something I've chosen for myself. I need that. I need you."
"A certain amount of selfishness is required for simple survival. Shall you also stop eating because there are others who might be starving? If you lose hope and fall from exhaustion and heartache, how will you be able to help anyone? You must not listen to her; she is a good woman, but she is a mage, and tactical planning is not in her training." He sighs, and repeats his first words to me, a low whisper into my hair. I can't help it then, the tears come again, but this time, they are tears of relief. "Do not fret, cara mia; I am your man, without reservation."
Title: Soul Deep (Chapter Five)
Rating: M
Pairing: Zevran/Withiel Tabris
Summary: Just when I think I've got a handle on things, something has to go and tear me down. If I didn't trust her judgment so much, Wynne would not be able to have this affect on me, but, sodding shem, she made me complacent, made me think of her as a hahren, and now look what she's done.
lean my head against this bark
rough, cold
bugs
dark up here
trunk in the way
can't see the fire
can't hear them
good
night is alive
deer passing
owl on the hunt
screech of mouse
fear of rabbit
mind quiet
no darkspawn
tired, tired
just for now, no leading
no questions
no decisions
back alley kid makes good
knife-eared whore with pretensions
Warden with a duty
woman with a history
damaged goods
no time for love, she says
duty
honour
tainted
no good, no good
so cry, cry
weak
worthless
chattel
slave
learn your place, learn your place
one collar to another
slavery to slavery
just another body on the pile
keep hiding
coward
hollow shadow
girl who used to be
all burnt up
all torn up
all used up
gone
.:o:.:o:.:o:.:o:.:o:.
"Withiel."
his voice
"Withiel."
remember:
whispering in the dark
warmth
golden eyes
safe arms
scent of leather
beeswax
cinnamon
open your eyes
open your---
"...Zev?"
His face isn't blacked; I can see him there, watching me from the next branch. I shudder, close my eyes.
no
not for you
only duty
no love
"Withiel." I hear him moving. My branch shakes. His hand slides up my ankle, giving me warning. He carefully, gently, pulls my hands away from my face. I squeeze my eyes shut, turn away.
can't bear it
don't look
no more
no more
not for us
can't be, can't be
tainted
wrong
don't deserve it
forget me
"...don't... don't..."
coward
"You are a very hard person to find, when you want to be. I came to tell you: I heard what she said to you."
cry, yes cry
pathetic
His thumb brushes the tears away from my cheek. Just like the first time.
more tears
perfect
sodding weak
I squeeze my eyes tighter, shaking. I sob, before I can choke it back.
remember:
tattoos
skin
lips
hair
breath
I sob again and shudder. I fold my arms over my stomach, but I can't hold it in. I could have borne it in silence, but now he's here, touching me, and he's the only one safe enough for me to cry in front of. I'm too weak, too selfish.
I moan quietly, the dam breaking completely, and I can't stop. I hate my weakness, but his arms are around me, and I can smell the comforting scent of his neck. The hard steel of the strength in him makes me feel so safe in his embrace. I curl against him, clutching a handful of his shirt; he whispers to me in Antivan, and it sounds like music. Eventually, I shudder to a halt, and look around.
His back is against the trunk, straddling the branch. I lay my head on his chest and listen to his heart beat as he strokes my hair.
"What, I wonder, could drive her to begin such a conversation with you?" This is the first question he has asked. I close my eyes again; my face is hot and the tears still threaten, but I can swallow them back this time. I clear my throat, trying not to choke on my lie.
"I don't know."
"Tch. You cannot seriously believe I am so easily fooled as that; you will have to do better." His voice is mild, but I can hear the reproach.
I sigh. "It's because she knows."
"About us? Everyone knows about us. We have not made any effort to keep our sleeping arrangement a secret."
"That..." I shut my mouth, but it's already too late.
He tilts his head to the side, looking down at me, and he is not amused. "What. You do know what this is about. Why do you try to hide these things from me? You know I will only discover the truth in the end."
I sigh. He is right, again. "I do know. I just... I can't..." I'm not going to cry again. I'm not.
He smooths my hair away from my face and watches me intently. "There is something so very horrible that it terrifies even you?"
I smile, in spite of myself. I may seem fearsome and resolute to the others, but he is the one who has witnessed my weakness. "She showed me my selfish heart. I don't deserve it, not any of it."
"What could possibly be selfish about the heart of a woman who has saved so many, at such great personal sacrifice?"
"You."
"Ahh, it is 'irresponsible' to be spending time with me, yes? Hmmm." He thinks on this for a moment, then says, "This is what terrifies you so? The thought of not sharing my bed?"
I laugh, a half-hysterical little strangled noise. "Well, it's not quite that simple," I confess.
I can feel him pause; I wouldn't hear it, except that I've got my ear pressed to his chest: his breath catches. His shoulders tighten, ever so slightly, and I feel that, too. Yet, he keeps his voice light when he asks me to "Explain."
I take a deep, shaking breath. "I am tainted, ruined. She's right; it is selfish of me to want more than the duty I've been handed, and unfair to you."
He relaxes again. "I thought this was a thing we shared. Have you somehow become worse since last night?"
I shake my head. "No, nothing has changed." I press closer to him, hugging him very tightly. He gathers me into his arms, tucks my head more securely under his chin. "There are some things I can't say, not even to you. But... but I can talk to you, when I can't to anyone else. Do you know you're the only person not my family who has ever seen me cry? It hurts, so much, that she thinks I should leave you, because I--” I swallow, hard. No, we are not going to speak of such things. “Er, because you're the only person I trust. She tells me I can't think about my own needs, that I have to stop getting distracted and focus on the threat of the Blight, and all of the people who are dying because of it."
I bury my face in his neck, my voice very small with the weight of the confession I spill out now. "I just can't think like that, no matter how hard I try. I... I need you, Zev. It's selfish and cowardly and weak and pathetic, but I can't stand on my own. I need to be able to count on the fact that at least you have got my back. I need to know that at the end of the day, I can lie down next to you, that you want me there, that I can be safe with you, even if it's only an illusion. I need just one thing in my life to be something I've chosen for myself. I need that. I need you."
"A certain amount of selfishness is required for simple survival. Shall you also stop eating because there are others who might be starving? If you lose hope and fall from exhaustion and heartache, how will you be able to help anyone? You must not listen to her; she is a good woman, but she is a mage, and tactical planning is not in her training." He sighs, and repeats his first words to me, a low whisper into my hair. I can't help it then, the tears come again, but this time, they are tears of relief. "Do not fret, cara mia; I am your man, without reservation."
no subject