peopleofthedas | LJ Prompt Fill: Proposals

Title: An Unexpected Proposal
Characters: Teagan, Cauthrien, Loghain
Rating: AO
Word Count: 7,673 of a complete oneshot.
Warnings: A bit of light bondage, but really this is pretty vanilla.
Summary: A spur of the moment marriage proposal has two men, one who shares her life and the other who shares her bed, awaiting Ser Cauthrien's answer.

I've been writing fanfiction for quite a while, for Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic, Mass Effect, and Dragon Age (as you can see, I love Bioware games). This is a one shot I wrote a while ago for the Dragon Age kmeme, for a prompt that asked for marriage proposals, and features one of my favorite things to do in fanfiction: hooking NPC's up with each other. I figured since I just got around tossing it up on ff.net, I'd post a link. I'd post it directly here, but it's long, getting it formatted right is a bitch, and I'm sort of a lazy bastard.

Feedback is greatly appreciated. Constructive criticism is always welcome. What you liked, didn’t like, thought worked or didn’t work is especially helpful.

An Unexpected Proposal

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I really liked it. The characters were all complex and layered and yet hot! I read part of it on the kmeme but never read the ending.

My only criticism is: Maybe I read too quickly but it seemed like at one moment she was bound to the candelabra and the next she was burying her hands in his hair, but I thought they were bound? I might have missed the transition.

I find a lot of times I have a hard time trying to figure out just what the heck is going on in p0rn writing, I end up with a mental image that just doesn't fit with what the writer is writing... "wait, I thought he was behind her?" Then I have to go back and reread to try to figure it out. It breaks the moment.

However, I didn't have that feeling at all with this except for wondering when/how her hands got untied.

And, sometimes I just miss things, so it might not be you at all, might be me.

I'm glad you enjoyed it. Basically she jerks her own hands free (I think it's during a Loghain POV) because the whole idea is that she's only really half assed tied up and going along with this game because she wants to. I'll have to go back and take a look though to make sure the idea gets across, because you're 100% right that when the choreography of the sex doesn't make sense or is off, it breaks the immersion in the scene (which is one of the things I think makes it difficult to write smut.)

Thanks again for the feedback, I really appreciate it!

I've put my concrit up on FF (just because it adds to your reviews there and might get you more readers).

If I've overstepped the mark in any way, please do let me know. If you want to discuss my comments, then there or here is fine.

Regarding the bound to candelabra/hands in hair moment Zute mentioned above. It relates to the time of the PoV change I've put in my concrit. Loghain's arrival is earlier, before she is bound, so he sees her free to move - this causes confusion to the reader.

Oh no, you haven't overstepped in any way. I really appreciate you taking the time to leave thoughtful feedback!

Ah okay, I see what you're both saying about the structure of the fic and Loghain coming in at an earlier point in time then where the Teagan pov left off and that being sort of confusing for the reader about whether or not she's tied up or not. That's a very good point.

The other thing you mentioned over at ff.net was about Teagan's age being in his 20's and the line about him being in his third decade. I thought he was in his late thirties or even early forties at game time, and since this story takes place five years prior that would put him in his early to mid thirties. But I totally might be mistaken about his age. Maybe he's supposed to be younger? It just seems that with the timing of the books with the game (being at least 30 years earlier, I thought, judging from Anora's age and her being born after The Stolen Throne where Teagan is eight, I think), he'd be between 38-40 at game time and 33-35 here. But I could totally be wrong about this - the timeline between the games and books is pretty messed up and difficult to follow. Or I might have just completely gotten it wrong.

Anyway, thank you so much for the feedback. I sort of view my writing as this big experiment, so it's really rather helpful.

I would absolutely agree that he's in his thirties, and I figured that's what you meant. But a person's third decade is 20-29 (their first being 0 - 9 and their second being 10 - 19) I wasn't quibbling at all about what age you had visualised him to be. The point I was making is that the phrase "his third decade" is prettier than "in his thirties" but also confusing. It made me stop and think about it and therefore dialogue flow was broken.

Ah gotcha. Math. I made an entire academic career avoiding it, lol. That's an excellent point, so thank you.

I remember reading the beginning of this over at the kmeme and then lost track of it. Glad to see it was finished.

As far as concrit goes, one thing I would point out is that knights ARE nobility. Cauthrien is not a commoner. Knights are basically entry-level nobility in Ferelden, the typical first step of a commoner moving up (sorry, I can't find the exact wikia page right now that explains Ferelden's "bottom up" system of politics, where political power actually derives from the will of the commoners, but that's basically the way the system works. Nobles get their power from the freeholders who CHOOSE to whom to give their allegiance, and who can withdraw it as well.)

Loghain is unusual only in that he got jumped up so far, but it's actually not unusual for commoners to be granted the title of knight.

While I can see why Cauthrien wouldn't want to marry for reasons of her career and her loyalty to Loghain, in terms of political reality, marrying the bann of a minor bannorn like Rainesfere would be a good move for her, moving her up in the ranks of the nobility without aiming so high that she'd be considered "jumped up" like Loghain.

And it wouldn't be a catastrophic move for Teagan at all (though it wouldn't advance his rank, which would probably be expected of him; Eamon probably expects Teagan to "marry up.")

Like I said, I totally see why Cauthrien doesn't want to marry, and it makes perfect sense. But some exploration of the fact that it IS actually a suitable match, politically, might add a bit more oomph to her choice for refusing it.

Thanks for your comments. I definitely appreciate them.

I see what you're saying about it being a good alliance for her and not out of the sphere of possibility considering her knighthood. I think from Cauthrien's pov (at least the way that I see her), political reality is something that doesn't really exist for her unless it impacts her job. Like it would never occur to her "Hmm... this would be a good match for me" because she doesn't think of herself as someone who's on the market to be married. And she probably thinks of herself as a soldier first, and still as a commoner (although perhaps I should change it to her saying something like "I was common born" to be more precise), because even though she's achieved this title, the path of her life has been so extremely different than a man who has been born into land and title and privilege that there's always going to be this huge disconnect between them.

But I think definitely Teagan and possibly Loghain would see it as a beneficial alliance for her and not unfathomable or unsuitable (although definitely not optimal) for him. Still, even though she's technically nobility, she has no dowry and owns no land (unless Loghain gave her some). Really all she would be bring to a match would be a title that she couldn't pass down to her offspring (unlike higher ranks) and possibly some goodwill from the Mac Tir family.

Hmm... lots to think about and digest and consider once the trick or treating sugar high wears off. So thank you again for the comments!

LJ Prompt Fill: Proposals

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject