OYD Says: This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things

[ouyangdan]

Just, don't say things you don't mean, mmm'kay? Seems it would avoid a lot of trouble.

Rated, uh, M I guess.
Words: 4,307
Characters: F!Cousland (Kahrin), Carver, F!Mage Hawke (Saoirse), Nathaniel (Arseface)

Thanks again, miri1984 for loaning me characters that I love, and to all the RP peeps who help work out plotz.

Kahrin hadn't dreamt.

When was the last time that had happened?

It seemed as if it had been moments since she had closed her eyes and smooshed her face into the pillow, and yet early morning sunlight was streaming in through the curtains on her chamber window.

How had she gotten into bed? Where was Carver?

Carver.

The memories came slamming back to her forcefully and violently and she clutched at her hair and rolled back down into her pillow, which was still damp from tears.

He's gone. He left.

The hole inside her ached. She tried to piece together the bits from yesterday … the remnants of the fight still in her brain that weren't marred with the residue of hallucination. Very clearly she remembered the fire in his eyes as he laid down an ultimatum that had frightened her. That had torn her open to the hollow of her heart and maybe she shouldn't have bucked back so hard.

She should have just said what he wanted to hear. She should have placated him and smoothed it over and pulled his arms around her and told him he was right … and they could have put it behind them like all the other things they fought about. She could have kissed him on that place on his neck that made his words melt away and that lead to her idea of conflict resolution.

But he had been so sodding stubborn and had started yelling and she couldn't even remember most of it. Her head ached now and nausea roiled her stomach like a port storm tossed a moored ship that had no where to go.

She'd been so terrified and it was not in her to yield. Not on her best days. And that had been far from her best day.

She thought he would back down. She thought he would give in when he saw how scared she was. He always gave in. He hadn't. He'd...

Do it without me.

She leaned over the bed and retched at the floor as the sobs wracked her again. Her hair spilled around her in a mess and there was no one to hold it back this time as she dry heaved. There was no one to wipe her sweaty brow and make her feel whole, not broken.

She had known better. She was been stupid to let him in. Stupid to be swept up in his face and his kindness and the way he made her actually feel things. A Warden-Commander had no business being that attached to any one person, let alone another one of her wardens. She'd been stupid to think they could have just a sliver of time where they could be like normal people. She knew she'd never have time to be happy because the job was too important.

She'd always thought she could make room for him to be important too. That if she'd loved him hard enough it would all be fine. Just fine.

This was so far from fine. It was hard to breathe. She didn't give trust easily. He'd left. He was gone.

Wouldn't have been the first time she'd have been wrong. The difference was that after all this time she thought she would finally not face the grim future alone.

She pulled herself back onto the bed with shaking arms and collapsed against a pillow that still smelled too much like him and shoved it away. She would have these bedclothes burned as soon as she was strong again. She would wipe him from her mind.

She was not a woman who would lose herself to this. He was merely a man. One who was not strong enough to be with her, she realized. Add him to the pile of things she destroyed as she touched it.

It's better this way.

Nathaniel had been saying nearly as much all along. Perhaps it was the wrong time for him to leave. Perhaps she needed him still. With him gone things might be easier between them. Maybe they could be like they used to be. She was going to need someone to help her. He already knew the job. Perhaps she could move past what Howe'd done, what he'd nearly done …

If not, what did it matter? Let Nathaniel come at her. She didn't care. About anything. She'd had two things she'd cared about until yesterday. This job and him.

She knew Saoirse was sitting beside her before she even announced she was there or stroked her hair.

Maker, I'll lose her too.

The faint remains of the taste of her magic and the weight of her on the bed made Kahrin cringe.

Kahrin tried to stay silent and not move.

"I know you're awake, Kahr. I spoke to him last night. He's coming back."

She didn't know if it was the act of comforting, or the mention of him. Kahrin started sobbing softly into her pillow. She said nothing as Saoirse went on.

"It's not the end. You two … stubborn … stupid fools can still sort this out. He shouldn't have pushed you. Not in the state you were in."

Kahrin's words were muffled by her pillow, she being unwilling to look Saoirse in the face. "You can't fix this. He left me, Saoirse. W-walked out."

She heard Saoirse sigh softly. "Oh, Kahrin. He did. But he's a mess. He loves you … so much. He just didn't want to …" There was a long pause there. Watch me self-destruct. See me go through actual challenges of being Commander. Be around for the mess that is me. Have to hold me up anymore. "He'll be here soon. Just … don't give up on him? He's a stubborn arse and so are you and you're perfect for each other."

Kahrin cried harder. "No. He can't just come back. He'll just do it again." She'd known eventually he would give up. She'd always known that eventually she'd be too much, too intense. Too many broken pieces.

The door opened without a knock, and Kahrin's senses lit up. At first her stomach clenched. He came back.

Almost instantly, though, she knew it wasn't … she recognized the presence though.

"Go away, Howe."

He ignored her words. "Get up. Get out of this bed. You are going to eat. You are going to get dressed. You are going to forget about this, because you are better off, and better than this, and you are going to come down to your office and get back to work. We will put all of this behind us."

"I said go away. I'm not hungry, and if you come near me with anything resembling food I will make the spoon uncomfortable for you."

Saoirse was still brushing fingers through her hair. "Kahr, do you want me to have him leave?"

She paused. She should. He would want her to. But … no. There was no reason. "No."

Howe regarded them both and snorted. "If I brought you anything requiring a spoon you would never keep it down. You are in withdrawal. You are, however, welcome to try to attack me with a spoon and see who comes out on top in your condition."

"Fine. No spoon. But if you come near me, Howe, I will smite you."

He raised an eyebrow. "Will you? With the withdrawals and hangover you surely have, and the fatigue you no doubt feel from all this ridiculous crying. I doubt that very much." He sat on the foot of the bed as far from Saoirse as possible. He sighed exasperatedly. "You will knock this off. You know what will happen if you keep this up. You didn't just put yourself in danger back there, but all of us. I can't stand for that. We are not disposable, Commander."

He ignored the look from Saoirse.

"I feel like I've been dragged to the Void, Nathaniel. Say what you have to say."

Nathaniel sighed exasperatedly, and looked pointed at Saoirse. "I am not going to sugar-coat certain truths about Wardens from you if you insist on staying. You may not look at your … husband the same again. You would do best not to repeat anything you hear."

She nodded.

"It is not a myth that we are the only ones who can stop blights. It is the complete truth. We do what we have to do to make sure we are positioned to do that. It isn't always pleasant." He looked at Kahrin and made a face as if he had bitten into something that was bitter. "What in the name of the Black City were you thinking? What made you look at the battlefield and think 'Ah, yes, the loss of my good senses and fine motor skills will improve this situation'?"

Kahrin hissed at him. "Emissaries, Howe. You were there! One had Carver in a crushing prison. Anders can't be everywhere. I can't very well ask them to hold onto their death clouds because I'm tired and the guy who can cast mana clash is too busy. I have templar training and Warden healing. I'm fine."

Saoirse paled a bit. "Maker …"

Nathaniel wasn't having any of it. "Then you keep fighting, and if you die, you die. But you don't put the rest of us in danger and force my hand as Lieutenant by doing something likely to get another Warden killed." His voice was controlled but certainly angry. "And that boy was stupid to give-"

"Fine, if I die, I die. Perhaps the sooner the better for everyone."

"Kahrin," Saoirse stopped touching her and blinked.

Kahrin rounded on her. "You aren't even supposed to hear any of this! We're monsters! We burn villages to save our own asses so we can slay archdemons." She sat up, finally, and faced Nathaniel. "In the mean time, I have to keep the others alive long enough to give them a fighting chance."

"Yes. And we have to worry about an unpredictable Warden and keep you from killing yourself or us."

"Then do your job and take me down, Howe! I was amazing! I threw them aside like they were nothing! I was never so good at my job. There are risks, sure, but I am prepared to take them. For the job."

Saoirse looked horrifed. "This. This is what Carver was talking about." She shook her head, biting her lip.

Kahrin stood up on the mattress and backed against the wall. "Maybe. Probably. He fails to see the bigger picture sometimes. But, he, you, all of you. The Wardens. Will all go on without me. And be better off."

"And this is what Anders was talking about. I didn't believe him when he said you defended it because it felt good, Kahrin. Seriously?" Saoirse looked at her, troubled, hurt.

"Stop! Just stop! What do you know? Nothing! I'm not allowed to tell you anything!" Kahrin tore at her hair. "You don't know! I don't do it every day, but it made me stronger. I was stronger."

"That's enough Kahrin," Nathaniel barked. "Wardens are not disposable."

"No, but we aren't sustainable, either. I am not going to sit idly by and wait for-" She crouched on the mattress and clutched her head in her hands.

Nathaniel's voice rose considerably. "I said that's enough." Her eyes got very wide, and she froze for a moment.

Saoirse stood and moved to the door. "I think … I think I should wait outside. If … if Carver comes I'll send him up."

Kahrin flung the offensively Carver-scented pillow towards her. "Fine! Leave! It's what you Hawkes do best when things get too rough around here!"

Saoirse looked at her sadly. "Only when it's too hard to stay." Then she left the room.

"Void take you, Kahrin. You know better. Most people don't get to know that most Wardens don't survive the Joining, let alone what you almost told her. If you are in such a hurry to be done with the Wardens, leave. Your death wish is hardly going to bring in recruits, or keep them once they find out all the caveats of our illustrious lifestyle."

She sagged against the wall. "Nate. Help me. Stop me. Whatever. Just … I've destroyed everything I care about."

Nate hesitated briefly, then moved to her, and pulled her from the wall. "You have to stop this. We'll fix it. You'll be fine, but I can't let you endanger us all. If it happens again …"

She knew. Only too well. Part of her found it comforting. Maybe it was best if he stayed. All of this could be over, like a horrible dream. He could take over the Order, and she could … rest. Like she had wanted to, back on top of Fort Drakon. Like she still did sometimes on top of the battlements here.

"Howe …" she cried softly.

He eased her back to sitting, and got her a glass of water from her bedside table. "You need to drink. You are dehydrated."

A soft knock came to the door, and Saoirse poked her head back in, looking at both of them sitting in close proximity. "Kahr. Carver's here."

"So?" Kahrin wouldn't even look at her.

Saorise's voice was very cheerful. "OK! I'll just pop downstairs and tell him no then. To wait."

Kahrin rubbed her face. He left. He's the one who left. I don't owe him anything. "No. Please. I … Just. I'm not promising to talk to him."

"I think he just wants to see you, Kahr. I'll tell him not to say anything."

"Could've fooled me. You don't say something that final and think you get to just come back," she spat.

"What did he say that was so final?"

"'Do it without me' was pretty clear, Shei."

Saoirse blinked, then nodded and left the room again. Kahrin could hear her murmur to someone in the hallway. She could feel him out there. The taint in her blood sang and told her he was back long before she heard his boots treading in the hallway.

The door cracked open, and Carver filled the frame. The first thing he noticed was Nathaniel. His eyes narrowed. "Can I come in?"

"If you want to." She turned away from him so she didn't have to look at him. "Howe, you should go."

"Commander," Nathaniel began.

"I said leave." She wasn't going to put up with any pissing matches. Her head and her stomach couldn't take it. If this went poorly, Nathaniel was welcome to come back and finish her off or whatever he wanted.

She felt his weight leave the edge of the bed and she knew he was gone. As soon as he left she heard Carver breathe a huge sigh. She felt him cross the room and sit in the chair near her bed … their bed. He didn't try to touch her, but she moved as far away as she could.

"Oh, Kahrin. I'm so sodding sorry. Maker, I'm sorry."

"What do you want, Carver?"

"Nothing. Everything. I don't know. To say I'm sorry. Did I do that already? I was stupid, and I walked out on you when you needed me."

She winced. She was not ready to hear him apologize. She wasn't strong enough. She … missed him. It hurt. She didn't want to miss him. This was the path to vulnerability, and that had already proven a bad plan.

"Carver, I … was …," she swallowed. No. "Yes. You were. You don't just get to come back, say your sorry, and think that everything is better. That we get to start over or go back to how things were."

He laughed, but it had a desperate sound. "I don't? Well, fuck. There goes my whole plan."

Kharin was grateful that he couldn't see her face. She smirked despite herself, and fought to repress it. Dammit. "I wasn't exactly fair to you, Carver, but … Fuck. You knew what you were getting into with me. I just wish you'd have told me you weren't willing to deal with me before," she sighed, holding a pillow to her, "before I …"

He reached out and touched her hair, his long arm giving him an advantage she cursed. She flinched, but leaned into it, allowing it. Welcoming it.

"Wasn't willing to deal with it? What do you mean, Kahrin?"

"I'm a wreck. You've known that for … how long? You walk out just when I think I can …" she sniffled and tried to fight it, leaning into his touch as if by habit, "lean on you and be OK."

He sighed again, and sounded frustrated. "You're … I've … You're not a wreck Kahrin. You're beautiful … and strong … and fierce. And I miss you. And you can lean on me. Always. I thought … I thought that's what you were doing. Before."

She rolled over and looked at him, miserably. "Until when, Carver? Until it gets too hard again? Until I scare you again? You're not stupid Carver. Don't act like it."

He rolled his lips inside his mouth and bit them, and took a deep breath. "There's only one thing I can't deal with, Kahr."

She felt her resolve breaking. She knew that looking at his face would break her down. She missed him so much. "C'mere, you." She pulled at the arm that was touching her. "That's not what it sounded like yesterday. I was pretty out of my mind, but … you sounded pretty fed up. With me."

He moved onto the bed and gathered her up in one motion, taking in a long breath of the scent of her. "Maker. It's not something we need to talk about. It's just … I don't want to lose you. To anything."

Her wall was falling down. She curled up against him, crying softly. "I missed you so much. But … we do have to talk about it." She took a huge, deep breath, not sure if she should go on. But what was the point of letting him close if she couldn't say this next part?

"You did lose me a little bit when you walked out. I … I don't know how to get past that. I am sorry I scared you, for what it's worth."

He rubbed his face. "Maker, I know, Kahr. Nothing I can say will excuse that. But, back then I had a choice. I could stay, and watch you kill yourself, or I could leave. Leaving … was the coward's option, but I wasn't feeling very brave. I'm sorry."

"No." She pulled his arms tighter around her, welcoming the warmth it gave her, and the calmness it brought to her tainted senses. "It was sensible. I don't expect you to do anything you are not willing to. You are not a coward. But you are not a fool, either."

He kissed her hair. He kissed her cheek. He didn't dare push his luck. "So help me, Kahr. One day without you was enough." He pulled her as tight to him as he could in shaking arms.

She looked up at him, frowning, and tensed. "That was your choice, Carver." She immediately felt bad, and softened slightly. "I'm sorry this is hard, but … you'll do it again, Carver. You'll do it again. I'm no different than I was yesterday, or weeks ago. This is what you get, all of me.

"I was trying. I know you couldn't tell. But you made me want to try."

Carver stiffened, but he did his best to not let her see it. "You mean you'll make another mistake? Well. If you can deal with me fucking everything up, I can cope with you doing the same."

She pulled herself out of his lap and backed away, as far away from him as she could get. "You don't fuck everything up, Carver." She rubbed her temples, and pulled her knees up to her chest, hugging them tight. "I just … don't do this now, please. You are amazing, and I love you, but …" she shook her head. "I was wrong. This is wrong." This is for the best.

Carver panicked palpably. "Oh, Kahrin, no. No. Don't. Please. I'm sorry. Please, Kahr. We won't do this now. We won't, I promise." He held his arms out to her, hoping she'd come back to them on her own. "Just … can I just hold you tonight? Nothing matters but that right now, not to me. Please?"

He looked to Kahrin like he might cry, and she was sure that might break her. Her eyes became wide, and the last of her restraint broke. She had meant to end it for good. To make it final. A clean break. It was too late for that. She saw his desperation and she knew she was in this, no matter what.

"Oh, please don't …" She let him pull her to him, strong hands against her back and his chest pressed against hers, and she absorbed him and all he was feeling. She pulled herself up on her knees and took his head in her hands, kissing his face again and again. She made shushing sounds, tears coming back to her eyes. "No, no, Carver. Please. I don't want you to go anywhere. Please."

He grabbed her face and kissed her furiously, unleashing himself. He paused, remembering himself, and how fragile she'd been, and reeled himself in, calming as much as he was able. He kissed her neck and stroked her face softly, and laid her back gently on the bed, wrapping his arms around her. "I'm not going anywhere."

Kahrin whimpered slightly, a hiccup escaping her throat, tilting her head back, allowing him complete access to her neck. "No. Don't … go anywhere ever … again. Please." She grabbed him by the hair and pulled his face to hers, and kissed him hungrily.

He seemed to hesitate slightly, and she paused, speaking softly into his ear, "Are you OK? You aren't going to break me." She began devouring his neck. "I need to be close to you right now. As close as I can get."

Carver made a low and happy sound in the back of his throat, tipping his head back. She knew the conversation was over. "Andraste, Kahrin. Yes. Me too." He buried his hands deep in her hair, and shifted her onto his lap.

She hooked her legs behind his hips. She twined her fingers into his hair. "You were," she inhaled sharply, "gone for too sodding long." She laughed softly into his neck. "I am being so ridiculous. You were only gone for one day."

Carver clutched her back. "Longest. Sodding. Day. Of. My. Life." He nipped her ear, and when she flinched, he winced. "I'm sorry. Saoirse said you'd be sensitive for a while."

She rubbed at her ear, laughing softly. "At least you aren't a mage. I'd be all distracted by how you taste. More than I already am." She grasped at the buckles on his chest plate, fumbling over the number of them.

He helped her with his buckles, kissing her lightly. "You were nattering about that in the Deep Roads. Do they really taste like things?" He shuddered a bit. "I bet Velanna tastes horrible." He chuckled.

Kahrin pulled the chest plate over his head and dropped it to the floor with a satisfying clank, then paused, leaning back, eyeing him. "Like raspberry salad dressing. But, do you really want to talk about how Velanna tastes, right now? Shall I tell you how Anders tastes?"

He blushed and looked a bit embarrassed. "No. Ew. That would be, weird." He giggled slightly, a sound she loved, that sounded like music after what had seemed like so long. "I'm sorry. I was babbling. First thing that popped into my head. It fell out of my mouth. That happens a lot. Usually, the first thing that I think of, with you, is …" He stopped as she shifted in his grasp, adjusting her weight in his lap. "Mmm, legs." He ran a hand lightly up her leg, and she closed her eyes and basked in the touch.

She smirked at him, every thought gone except his touching her. His being near her again. "You giggled again. I love that. The sound." She ran her hands up his back, reacquainting herself with the dimples of his lower back and the muscles of his shoulders. "Mmm. I also love the feeling of your skin on mine." Nothing was really solved, she knew, but this was enough. This they needed, though.

Carver breathed in. He seemed to drink in her touch, tightening his grip on her. "I love you."

It was enough. She hoped. The trust was broken, but she had to live with it for now. It was too late to live otherwise.

He pulled her down, pressing her into the mattress, into their bed, and began kissing her thoroughly. Moments ago they'd been lost to each other, and now they lost themselves in one another.