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peopleofthedas2011-05-01 01:44 pm
lenna_nightrunner) wrote in peopleofthedas2011-05-01 01:44 pm
Vir Lath Sa'vunin B-Side Track Eight
Vir Lath Sa'vunin B-Side Track Eight
Occurs concurrently with Chapter Sixty-Four and several thereafter.
Title: I Wanna Wake You From Your Dream. I Wanna Know Just Who You're Talking To When You're Singing In Your Sleep. I Wanna Find Out What It Means. Do You Love Me? (Guster)
Characters: Leliana, m!Mahariel (Caerwyn), Zevran, Alistair, f!Mahariel (Tesni)
Rating: T
Word Count: 1600
Summary: Culture shock is difficult not only on our Dalish Grey Wardens, but also on their brother and lovers. As their time among the Dalish lengthens, however, Leliana begins to worry if Tesni's and Caerwyn's increasing coldness might not just be due to how difficult it is to realize how much they've changed.
A/N: I blame FormSpring for ruining Shimmy’s hands and causing this delay.
LELIANA
I'd thought I would be prepared to meet the Dalish after having known Tesni and Caerwyn for so long, but I could not have been more mistaken. We were greeted by blank faces and indifferent demeanors that soon turned cold.
It was only then that I remembered what Caerwyn and Tesni had thought of me when we had first met.
You're staring, he'd told me angrily during one of those first nights. Stop. I'd forgotten how much hatred had been in his voice when I couldn't stop looking at his beautiful face and that particular shade of blue of his and Tesni's eyes.
I remembered all of the times I had offended them without meaning to. Stop staring at our ears and our tattoos. It's rude. I'd never figured out how Tesni could show her anger without her expression or her tone of voice changing at all. These Dalish did the same with their disdain for me, Alistair, and Zevran. We were 'shemlen' and 'flat-ears'; we had no right to be the friends or lovers of Dalish.
We spent the first few days in the forest hunting and scouting for the Dalish because Keeper Zathrian had forbidden his people from doing so. Caerwyn bought a bow from the Dalish crafter and he and Tesni led us on the hunt. I had never seen Caerwyn use a bow before, and it was strange to me. I had never thought of him as the hunter he must have been before he and Tesni had become Grey Wardens. In fact, I had hardly thought of what his life must have been like before that at all.
Within a few hours it became clear, however, that Alistair, Zevran, and I were doing more harm than good. Caerwyn and Tesni communicated through whistles and gestures, and made no sound as they moved between bushes and tree branches. When Alistair stepped on a twig so that it snapped and scared off a buck, Tesni sent us away to scout while she and Caerwyn hunted alone.
They came back in the late afternoon, and both Chat'len's muzzle and Caerwyn's hands were red with blood. The great cat was helping him with the weight of a young buck while Tesni carried several dead rabbits by their feet and both their bows slung over her shoulder. I tried to remember if I'd ever seen either of them look so... feral.
Yet their faces were still blank. I understood then that some stories about the Dalish were rooted in truth. Perhaps they didn't steal human babes from their mothers, but I could see why some had said that they had no souls. The Dalish at this camp seemed... empty, and Tesni and Caerwyn were beginning to look like them again.
Caerwyn's mood grew darker by the day. He began finding ways not to lie to me without telling me the truth. I was used to him being completely straightforward, to the point of rudeness or insult at times. Now, when I could get him to talk to me, he chose his words carefully.
"Don't worry about me," he said against my shoulder as we lay in our tent together. I'd asked him about how he was getting on with the Dalish.
"They're your people, Caerwyn. You must care what they think."
"They're not my clan."
"You know what I mean, mon amour."
"You're my clan," he said firmly. "Tesni and Alistair are my clan. And Zevran, and the others."
But he didn't say he didn't care, which meant that he did. He didn't need to tell me for that to be plain.
Things only became worse. Caerwyn's sleep was troubled again, but his nightmares were not caused by the archdemon this time; he didn't go to Tesni or Alistair and they didn't come to him. When he woke he wasn't angry or afraid, and when he pulled me into his arms it wasn't for comfort. He just held me tightly as if I would leave if he didn't.
I won't leave you, Caerwyn. I love you. Why won't you talk to me?
After three days had passed Caerwyn had nearly stopped talking entirely. His expression was as blank as I had seen it since we first met, and he never met anyone's eyes. Not even Tesni's.
"Do you think he's ashamed of me?" I asked Zevran, voicing a fear I'd been trying to ignore. We were whiling away an afternoon sitting together at our camp's fire while Tesni and Caerwyn hunted and Alistair napped.
After raising his eyebrows in surprise, he gave me a thoughtful look.
"I am certain of very little, sonricita. The world is full of mysteries, and I think you will agree that our Dalish Wardens are among them."
I nodded with a frown. That was saying the very least.
"But I would stake even the finest pair of Antivan leather boots that your lover is as devoted to you as you are to him. It is rare to see two people so much in love."
He was right, wasn't he? I was being silly. I tried to smile, but my chest and throat felt tight. Zevran must have sensed it, because he moved to sit next to me and pulled me against him. I hid my face in his shoulder and suddenly began to cry.
"Hush," he said as he ran his hand over my hair. "You are far too strong to cry."
Zevran rubbed my upper arm until the worst of my tears had stopped. Then he nudged my head up with his knuckles under my chin and gave me a fond smile.
"And far too sensible to doubt him." He kissed my forehead like a father would a little girl crying over a skinned knee. "Give him time. It has been difficult... for all of us."
The tone of his voice made me frown, but when I pulled away to look at him his face was set in that smile of his.
"Are you all right, Zev?"
"Of cour--"
There was a great yawn from behind us, and Alistair came stumbling out of his tent.
"Being glared at all day is exhausting," he said as he sat down across from us. "Maybe Tesni should've waited to stab me with needles for an hour until after we'd visited their, er, surly cousins."
Zevran grinned. "Perhaps they are simply jealous of how well you wear them!"
I giggled. "You do look rather fierce, Alistair."
"Not compared with our gracious hosts," said Alistair with a shudder. "I keep feeling like they're watching me, but I never catch them at it!"
"One of the many talents the Dalish possess," mused Zevran.
It was nice to smile for a while as we joked together for another hour or so, but it didn't last long. Soon it was time to have dinner with the Dalish again, and once that was over we went to our tents without speaking.
Caerwyn curled around me that night as if he had to protect me from something and twitched and whimpered in his sleep. He breathed soft, pained sounds against my ear and held me so tightly against him that it was difficult for me to relax, so I lay awake in his arms half the night praying to the Maker to show me some way I could help him.
More hunting, more scouting, more planning, and the three of us continued to stay away from the Dalish as much as we could. We weren't needed or wanted, so all we could do was wait until Tesni told us what to do. Alistair became more worried and awkward, Zevran became quieter, and I felt more and more guilty and useless.
After everything we had been through in the Deep Roads I’d thought that Caerwyn would trust and confide in me. I'd thought that there was nothing he would feel he needed to hide. Yet now he wouldn't even speak to me, let alone tell me what was wrong.
And soon, like in the Deep Roads, he began trying not to sleep. But Tesni and Alistair still weren't having whatever nightmares were troubling my lover. If anything, Tesni seemed to be sleeping better than usual; she was the last one to get up in the morning and the first to go to sleep at night. Maybe, unlike Caerwyn, being with her people again was easing her mind.
I had thought that Caerwyn might confide in his sister or brother if not me. Maybe it was something to do with the Grey Wardens. But as far as I could tell he wasn’t talking to them about this, either. He simply sat up at night alone with his arms resting on his knees and his chin on his arms, muttering to himself in his strange, beautiful language, eyes open and staring into the dark.
"Caerwyn," I said gently, and he looked down at me as if he were surprised that I was there. After a moment during which he seemed confused about who I was and whether I was real, he shifted and crossed his legs so I could lay my head in his lap. His fingers ran through my hair as he went back to staring into the darkness at something I couldn't see.
Please, my love. Tell me how to help you. I don't know what to do.
"Do you think he's ashamed of me?"
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Ugh, poor Tesni and Caerwyn though, this entire situation has to be just about as difficult for them as it is for the rest. KIDS, THE WORD OF THE DAY IS 'AWKWARD'. A-W-K-W-A-R-D. 'AWKWARD'.
PS- I dig the icons... *giggles*
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i always hated going 'home'.
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