Dragon Age: The Crown of Thorns, Chapter 43. 500,000 words milestone.

[raonar]

Hey there! It appears my epic-length story is really getting serious as I surpassed 500,000 words with chapter 43. It seems I got it to exceed 20,000 words, oddly enough. I know I didn't post the last few chapters here but hey, this is a MILESTONE!

Title: Caged in Stone
Words: 20,000+ (I know, scary. Many will run away in terror at the sheer size of it)
Characters: m!Aeducan, Trian Aeducan
Summary: After finally meeting Trian again (whose death had been faked way back in chapter 5)  in chapter 42, the dwarf noble ends up reading through his journal to see just how in the deeps his older brother actually became a reasonable person while captive and hidden from everyone in Orzammar, including King Endrin, their father, and Bhelen (by the protagonist's directives). He finds out some interesting things (no, not THAT kind of interesting).

Chapter 43: Caged in Stone

"-. .-"

                Raonar Aeducan had been away from Orzammar for quite a few months and had spent many nights just thinking, so he had a lot of time to envision how events in Orzammar would turn out. In fact, he had been able to plan for a myriad of different scenarios, from finding everyone dead and gone to even the utterly impossible one where the nobles had gotten over themselves and their pointless politics (well, a guy could dream right?). And with how the Grey Wardens had already spent several days in the city, and how he'd been staying behind at their quarters for most of the time, he'd been able to narrow down the list somewhat.

                Basically, all the situations he'd prepared himself for included, more or less, the overall direction which that reunion with his older brother had taken. However, this didn't mean he wasn't taken by surprise. The fact was that, of all the outcomes he'd thought about, this was one of the very least likely ones and there was one thing that was nagging him.

                Trian had acted way, way out of character.

                Which was the reason for how the exile was now sitting on the side of the bed and holding his palm on his sleeping elder brother's forehead, to make sure he didn't have a fever or something. He knew there were very few illnesses involving fever that could actually affect someone's behavior to such an extent, but he wasn't willing to rule out the possibility either. This all was a bit much to take in all at once.

                No to say he wasn't glad about Trian finally being a bit reasonable, but it had gone further than he'd anticipated. In fact, with their father dying (and the second eldest prince knew he was responsible for it, albeit not the only one) he wouldn't have held it against Trian if he'd come to hate him or at least feel some anger or resentment. But Trian had, instead, shown some, no, a lot of actual remorse.

                Raonar had to admit that he suspected his continued delay in contacting Harrowmont would lead to this prolonged, constant uncertainty and would give Pyral and everyone else involved in that whole mess a major case of insomnia. He had considered the possibility of skipped sleep on their part. He didn't like that he'd had to do things this way, that he had to make everyone believe he really was dead.

                As such, he was fully willing to withstand whatever anger those people, and especially Trian would have to throw at him. After all, insomniacs are, naturally, more prone to rage and all other detrimental emotions. Instead, he'd been welcomed better than he'd been in his own home and had found a brother that had barely anything left of the sneering, condescending, detestable arrogance of the previous year.

                And he was afraid. That was the major shocker, Trian, of all people, was actually afraid, and he'd actually said it. Not of Bhelen, of course (Trian probably wanted to beat the crap out of him actually), but of the fact that all that backstabbing had been going on constantly and he'd been blind to it completely.

                The prince decided to pause in his grim thoughts because, in the end, things were actually looking up and, truth be told, he was glad to finally see that big-nosed fool again. Yes, he at last had a reason to smile for real. Father may have died, but at least he had one family member left, and it looked like this one was becoming reliable. He even looked so peaceful, now that he was asleep, cute even. Nevertheless, while the exile found him to be an adorable sleeper, he was aware that, objectively, there was a lot of room for improvement.

                Overall, Trian Aeducan was a mess, or close enough anyway. He looked like he hadn't maintained that beard and moustache of his in at least a week (or more), his shoulder-long hair was a bit messy and his face was lined because of how he hadn't rested in days. Gorim had said things were bad, but seeing it up close was something else. Trian even looked a bit more hollow-cheeked than the second son remembered, a fact confirmed when he'd taken his face in his hands earlier, just before Trian's relief spilled out in tears. Say whatever about him, but the firstborn had been relieved to see his brother back, and that made the latter feel really warm inside.

                So the returning exile just sat there, for a while, with one hand on Trian's right cheek, smiling and more content than he'd been in a long time. If there was any word that described his current emotional state, 'grateful' came really, really close.

                Grateful and marginally confused, that is.

                The other reason why the dwarven noble wasn't that keen on doing much of anything at the moment was because his jaw still hurt. Man, Trian had nailed him one good, and the only reason the injury didn't interfere with that brotherly reunion was because the area was covered by his beard, mostly, so it wasn't visible. It was really starting to get blue and swollen though, so he began to use his magical regeneration on it.

                And there was another thing.

                The prince carefully got to his feet, so as to not disturb his brother overmuch (not that he was in any position to wake up any time soon) and walked over to stand in front of a tall mirror that covered a large part of the wall with the desk and cabinets. Then, he pulled his shirt off and twisted, to look at the reflection of his back. As he suspected, there were several spots where his skin had turned either red or a dark shade of blue.

                It really was amazing that Trian had hugged him so hard, and clutched at the back of his shirt that his clenched fists actually left him bruised. His elder brother didn't know his own strength at all, apparently. Of course, there was the fact that Trian had always been a massive beast, with a frame visibly larger than his and which seemed to have only grown in the months after the whole kinslaying deal. And considering that Raonar himself was among the top most muscular of all dwarves in Orzammar, that was saying something.

                It took about five minutes for him to heal everything, after which he walked over to the desk Trian has been sitting at when he walked in. He noticed a recent history tome there, as well as a nice stack of documents. He began to shuffle though them, finding some reports written by leading Commons or Diamond Quarter guards, as well as, surprise surprise, a copy of the Shaperate's tally of the votes from the conviction of the 'kinslayer'. The rest were writs and contracts, or copies of them. Apparently, Harrowmont had been keeping the Aeducan prince well informed of everything going on in the city, or had agreed to do so. In other words, Trian was up to date on all the deals Pyral had made to gather support in his feigned run for kingship.

                It was amazing how orderly those papers were arranged, even though the so-called heir to the throne was so seriously sleep-deprived. Yes, if Trian had any sort of kingly quality, it was that he knew his paperwork. And then came the moment when the exile knew he was going to commit an action that couldn't exactly be classified as honorable, but he didn't really waste time dwelling on the morality of it all because he knew he'd decide to do it anyway.

                Thus, he sat on the chair and, after a deep breath and a final glance in his sleeping elder brother's direction, began reading that fairly bulky tome that his sibling had been using to record his thoughts. It looked like the same journal he'd been using even before things went to hell, though it was now open at the final entry, the entry Trian was writing just about an hour earlier. No doubt Harrowmont had 'rescued' the journal from the Royal Palace somehow.

                The second son spent just a brief moment silencing the conflicting feelings his father had stirred within him before turning back many, many pages, to the entries just before his first military commission.

"-.  .-"

                5 Ferventis, 9:30 Dragon: Noticed Gorim running around trying to get pieces of my brother's ceremonial armor ready for the feast. Stopped him and asked him how preparations were going. He mentioned that one of the bracers had a spot of tarnish on it. Was quite impressed at his dedication. He is most loyal to our family.

                6 Ferventis, 9:30 Dragon: Was on my way to discuss the treaty with Father when came across a messenger waiting in the hall. On being asked why he was loitering about the royal palace, he mumbled something about having a gift for the "new commander" and asked me (begged, almost) to pass along some object or other to my sibling. Me! The heir to the throne of Orzammar does not run errands for a messenger! Must have been new on the job. Had him thrown out; however, still reeling from the gall of it.

                Learned later that Bhelen had told messenger that the quickest way to get things to our sibling was through me and had made him wait until I came by. So unseemly for a prince of Orzammar to play such tricks. He needs to grow up and understand that, as royalty, he has responsibilities.

                7 Ferventis, 9:30 Dragon: Found Bhelen's little... playmate (again!) lurking about the corridors outside his bedroom this morning. Must have been trying to steal something, or already had. Bosom seemed fuller than most decent ladies. Some jewels hidden in the bodice? Anyway, pretended not to see her. Would have been awkward otherwise. Wish Bhelen would keep her confined to his room, if he must have her around. Little brother is too concerned with fun and pleasure and not serious enough about his duties as prince. Must talk to him about discipline when have time. Unfortunately, much too busy with the many tasks Father has laid upon my shoulders.

                9 Ferventis 9:30 Dragon: Remember to send small token of gratitude to Jaylia Helmi. Alliance between Helmi and Aeducan must be kept strong. Lady Jaylia will of course accept proposal of marriage since will be king sooner or later, but never hurts to be polite and keep the lady happy. Hear that there are some surfacers selling silks. Maybe will send second out for something nice. Jaylia's favorite color: Turquoise.

                10 Ferventis 9:30 Dragon: Heard about there being Provings held in our brother's honor. They did not have Provings for me at my first commission, and I am the heir! What is going on? Must go watch these Provings, make presence felt. Orzammar must not forget that I am to be her next king.

                12 Ferventis 9:30 Dragon: Prisoner! I go through the most outrageous and confusing day of my entire life only to wake up and find myself a prisoner! And by order of my brother no less! The gall of it all! First find out Bhelen hired castless thugs to murder me, that little traitor! (He'll get what's coming to him when I get my hands on him, I swear it! At least now I know what those 'tricks' of his, like the one with the messenger and the dagger, really were!) and it all just went downhill from there. Feel like I want to smash something. Unfortunately, knife wound in chest not helping me vent my anger in the slightest.

                Pain kind of distracting. Still, have to write it all down, to try and make some sense of things.

                Day started as expected after the previous night's heated discussion, then mission proved more difficult that foreseen because of some poor army coordination that ended up injuring and killing some of my better warriors. After Grey Wardens went about their explorations, took Vartag Gavorn's men (that treacherous worm!) and went to confront my immediate younger brother. Brother showed up and, instead of trying to kill me, saved my life before Vartag could backstab me. Turned out Vartag's 'soldiers' were brand-less surfacers or hired castless thugs with tattoos covering their brands (no wonder the army coordinated poorly, how did I not see it? Why didn't anyone else for that matter? Or did they turn a blind eye? Just how many traitors were there in my contingent?).

                My sibling had somehow learned of it all and had come to my rescue, as shocking as it may sound. Makes me ask myself how I could have possibly been blind to the plot against my life.

                Raonar's soldiers engaged the mercenaries after he stopped Vartag's backstab. Brother pleaded with me to leave, for my own good. Sounded sincere even. Maybe would have been good idea as this whole staged kinslaying may not have happened. However, refused to run like a coward. Got injured and lost consciousness. Brother, Baizyl, Frandlin and Gorim had to take me and retreat anyway. Raonar used some odd potion to perform a blood transfusion that saved my life. Then we were ambushed when he lost consciousness because of fatigue and his own blood loss. We were saved by one of the thugs who, according to Gorim, was on brother's side all along.

                Still have to ask just how that came to be the case. And how that brand could move so fast.

                Brand fed Raonar a potion. Brother recovered. Apparently, his blood loss wasn't so serious and Gorim's fears that he may have been dying were unfounded. Still, I had been very worried, more than I expected. Apparently, more than he deserved too.

                He stabbed me! Right up front, he drove a knife through me! And, many hours later, I wake up to find I am a prisoner in Harrowmont's estate, and that everyone, save a handful of people, thinks I am dead! Even father! And brother made it so he was convicted to walk the deeps! This is madness! Mind still reeling from all of it. Don't understand what just happened, or the reasoning behind it, even after reading brother's letter. Gorim is even bossing me around! The insolence! The heir to the throne will not be ordered about and held against his will! Have to apply the necessary corrective actions. Unfortunately, wound needs to heal first, and the healing I got is only what Gorim saw fit to provide.

                Something tells me he won't try to help me heal too quickly.

                Dammit. Dammit all! How in the deeps did this all happen!? Someone will pay when I emerge from all this, and it will be soon.

                14 Ferventis 9:30 Dragon: Third day of captivity and I already can't stand it any longer! How dare Harrowmont hold me here against my will?! He hasn't even come down here yet, not even once.  Isn't he concerned of what I'd possibly do once I regain my freedom? Furthermore, what in the deeps is he thinking going along with my sibling's insane demands? This doesn't make any sense! And just why did that fool get himself convicted in the first place? And how could he do this to our king-father?

                Dammit, Raonar has gone too far this time! To think he'd dare dictated my actions! He should have just told me everything and left me to deal with Bhelen myself if he doesn't have the stomach for it, instead of making father think he's lost two sons and leaving him with that insane third child. What if Bhelen moves against him next?

                And what if he didn't find the Wardens? What if he dies down there? Each passing day reduces his chances of survival! Don't Gorim and Harrowmont realize that? Or is it that they don't care?  This is all so senseless that it boggles my mind.

                Demanded with Gorim (he's the only other person I've seen in days! Days!) to be released and speak to father. As expected, I was denied. Was also denied upon demanding to see Harrowmont. Gorim said he didn't trust me in the same room with him and that I'd have to prove I could be trusted not to 'flip out' first. The impudence! How dare a lower castman think he can boss around his future king? Doesn't he know the punishment that law and tradition dictate for this sort of impertinence? He's lucky I can't easily move about yet.

                Told him he's a fool for not allowing me to come out and have Father send soldiers to retrieve brother from the deep roads. He glared at me and told me to stop acting like I cared before he turned his back on me (he turned his back on me!) and walked out! The nerve! I shoul-_''_---',-__-- I should probably calm down. Stress is bad for my injury, apparently.

                Wound in chest seemingly not so serious, but healing slower than I'd like. Breathing is still hard and painful. Rage at Gorim's glares and the way he looks down on me (the audacity!) not helping either. Fortunately, only see him when he brings me my meals. Strangely, he doesn't act smug. Wonder why.

                16 Ferventis 9:30 Dragon: Was feeling a bit better today so I thought to break out of this mess and fix everything before it was too late. Waited by the door and tried to jump Gorim when he entered. Succeeded in knocking the tray with the food out of his grasp. Unfortunately, the rest didn't go well.

                Got my behind handed to me. Thoroughly. And in just a few seconds. I think I was more shocked at the fact that he dared to fight me back than anything else. Should have probably waited for wound to close properly before trying this. Ended up dragged back to the bed after receiving a kick to the gut and a punch to my face. My jaw still hurts. Didn't realize how weakened my injury had left me if I was so easily neutralized.

                Sod it all, what is WITH Gorim anyway? It's like he's completely lost his sense of self-preservation. Mentioned that to him. He told me my threats were empty since he was already dead, just like me, and that dead men have nothing to fear. Told him that made no sense. He ignored me (!) and left.

                18 Ferventis, 9:30 Dragon: This is getting hard to cope with. Have no idea what is happening in the city or if father is well. Also want to just go up there and put Bhelen in his place but my captors won't let me. Suppose all I can do is wait until I am better. After that, no one will be able to stop me from taking matters into my own hands. And I need to take control of this. Obviously no one else has thought this through.

                Don't know what became of brother either. Am unsure of what to think of him or why he did all this, regardless of what his letter said. Would like to think he's trying to help me, in his own way, but he clearly doesn't care about father if he would keep him in the dark like this. Suspect he's just trying to use me like some pawn in this... this game he's playing against Bhelen, (this is what this all is to them, some game?). No matter. I am not some tool to be used! The impudence, to think I was being looked down upon in such a manner! Once I get out of this mess, I will put everything in order, and all the traitors will get their due, as they deserve.

                Would really help if someone actually bothered to explain to me just why this all his happening though. Gorim doesn't seem eager to be in my presence, however, not that I want his company (or would actually bring myself to ask him about it if I had it). What's more, father was told of all this and still let this all happen, including brother's sentence, though I have no idea of the details. Really hope he has a good explanation for it.

                22 Ferventis, 9:30 Dragon: Wound finally closed (will probably leave behind a scar though) and I tried to break out again. Of course, ended up fighting Gorim again (still can't get over being defied in such a manner! By a warrior castman even!). Managed to give him a black eye. Yes, I closed it up good. Unfortunately, even with me fully recovered, he still managed to knock me on my backside. He was much more 'generous' in administering kicks to my gut this time and he returned the favor I did to his eye in kind.

                 Think I lost the brawl more because of surprise. I didn't expect him to be so good at single combat. I know for certain he was schooled only in assist and protect, and shield tactics, and was unimpressive in the arts of dueling. What has my brother been teaching him? Granted, duel etiquette and whatever else doesn't matter all that much in the sort of brawl we two had, but still...

                Expressed my outrage at being confined to those quarters. Gorim blinked (he looked confused, oddly enough) before telling me I had, in fact, access to that whole secret section of the estate and that the door had been unlocked all along. Should have checked the door before. However, have only been able to walk around for a short time and had too much on my mind and just assumed the worst I suppose. No matter, a cage is still a cage, regardless of size. I will not be held long.

                25 Ferventis, 9:30 Dragon: Harrowmont still hasn't come down here to see me even once and it's grating that Gorim is my only company, fleeting though it is. I never thought he'd end up being my manservant. Don't like his attitude. He doesn't seem to be trying to antagonize me but doesn't put much effort into showing proper respect either. Still, I suppose this is troubling him too. I don't like to admit it but he's probably having it hard coping with the high probability of never again seeing his lord. And I suppose he really is just following his master's last wishes, like a proper second is supposed to.

                By the Paragons, why does life have to be so complicated? Having equal parts resentment and respect for someone isn't easy on the nerves, especially when having to deal with betrayal from all sides!

                28 Ferventis, 9:30 Dragon: Took a while to bring myself to start writing this. Think I've been sitting at this desk, shocked out of my mind for at least an hour. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever consider that I'd go through something like this.

                Was getting too restless. Couldn't take this anymore, living in this captivity and being kept in the dark, worried about what may be happening to father because of Bhelen (that treacherous scum!). This solitude is getting really hard to handle too.

                 I got into another altercation with Gorim and finally managed to overcome him and pin him to the ground. I had him face-down, with an arm behind his back and my knee on him, holding him still. Ordered him to stand down and stop trying to stop me from leaving unless he wanted me to break his bones. Not sure of I was going to follow up on those threats but...

                He twisted his head until his right eye had me in its sight. The way he glared at me sent a chill down my spine. Never realized how piercing those green eyes of his were. He told me that my brother had ordered him to keep me alive and dead, and hidden, and that he would do it. He said that if I broke his legs, he'd claw at me and keep me here. He said that if I broke his arms he'd just grab onto me with his teeth. He said that his life and health was all he had left but that he'd gladly sacrifice them if it meant he could do as 'his lord' asked.

                He said that his name had already been stripped out of his family records (brother got the same treatment) so he didn't have much to lose by 'screwing tradition and protocol.' He said that he'd already sacrificed his dignity by serving as my caretaker and that he didn't really care about the rest nearly as much. He told me that the only way out of here was over his dead body and refused to back down.

                Not sure how it happened, but I somehow ended up sitting on the bed, staring at him in stupefaction. Am still completely shocked at what I heard and felt. Never thought I'd feel that kind of fear. Never felt this way, even in Deep Roads skirmishes. I had, and still have, no doubt he was being absolutely serious.

                How on earth did my brother come to command this kind of loyalty? What am I missing here?

                Think I'll stop writing now. Have absolutely no idea what to feel or think about this.

                29 Ferventis: Started the day sulking. Couldn't rest properly last night. Gorim's glare kept coming back to haunt me, preventing me from falling asleep for quite a while.

                Asked him what was driving him when he came to bring me breakfast. Told me that I wouldn't understand. I probably should have felt insulted at his answer, but I think he didn't really know how to explain it either. Damn, now I wish brother was here just so I could ask him. He always knew how to explain things, ever since we were children. He actually explained things perfectly even in his letter, which is probably why I'm still having trouble believing it all. It just makes too much sense coming from someone who stabbed me and doomed father to this kind of grief.

                Still don't know what's happening up there. Gorim's been silent in the brief time he actually showed up and Harrowmont still hasn't come to see me. I guess he's waiting for Gorim to give him the clear. Used to think little of Pyral for how he seemed to always treat even those of lesser station with more respect than is their due but now... I'm not sure what to think of it. If I were in his situation I suppose I'd also follow Gorim's judgment.

                Also not sure what he's going through. He's been father's closest friend since long before I was even born and is known as an honest and honorable man. This is partly why I can't bring myself to understand how he could possibly turn into a hypocrite of this caliber. Actually, I can't really believe this is what actually happened. I feel like I'm missing something, something that Gorim probably knows. However, can't bring myself to ask him for some reason.

                Actually, there was something Gorim said today. He apologized for not being completely clear yesterday when he said I'd be able to get out only over his dead body. Apparently, the secret passage linking the main estate and this one is currently set up that it can only be opened from outside and that Gorim has a special knock that notifies those on the other side to let him through. He also said there were specific times when he could go in and out. Basically, even if I did kill him, I'd be stuck here, probably worse off even. And he also said Baizyl was a better fighter than he was.

                Gorim left after casually pointing out that it probably wouldn't sit well with my brother if I killed him. He told me I should be more grateful for my life. Was too upset to rightfully demand that he watch his words. Spent most of the day lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling, thoughts whirring through my head. Also seem to be writing a great deal more than I used to in this journal of mine. I suppose loneliness will do that to people.

                How did it come to this? And why do I feel like it's at least partially my fault?

                Think I'll go around and finally explore this place in full. Probably won't be able to get to sleep any time soon anyway.

                01 Solis, 9:30 Dragon: Harrowmont finally came down to meet with me. Baizyl came along too, no doubt in case I 'tried' something. Felt a bit insulted. It's not like I'm some barbarian that just snaps and attacks people! I've only been demanding that I be treated with the deference an heir to the throne should get. The cold and warning looks on Gorim's part didn't really help with my anger either. Had to put a lot of effort into actually listening to what they had to say. Ironically, the fact that it took so long for Pyral to come down here had left me practically starved for an explanation that I probably managed to sit through that conversation better than I otherwise would have.

                The look Harrowmont had on was hard to see. Never thought anyone could look so broken up. Even brother and father didn't have that look on when mother died. That said, refrained from calling him a hypocrite to his face. Decided to just listen to their explanation, grating though it was.

                Have to admit, didn't expect what they told me. Brother's reasoning for all this left my mind whirling. Will have to sleep on it. Either way, his lecture to the Assembly is what's really bothering me.  From what Pyral said, Raonar practically accused all the deshyrs of being lying cheats and backstabbers, and Harrowmont tells me he agrees with the assessment to a great extent. Am willing to agree now that I know Bhelen was playing the loyal brother just so he could go behind my back. Has it always been like this? So many lies. And I used to think all the honor provings held over petty grievances were needlessly complicated. Apparently, they're barely the tip of Orzammar's problem.

                Told them this all would have been easier if we'd just brought Bhelen to justice. Gorim said we don't have any evidence and that that smug little bastard has half of the assembly in his pocket. Probably promised them riches when he takes the throne after father dies. Fools if they trust him. Still can't believe I could possibly not notice this.

                 Couldn't believe father was blind to it either. Told them that. With some reluctance, Harrowmont told me father knew all along. He knew all along! Even before Raonar came to talk to us the evening prior to that whole mess, he knew. Am still in denial about it. Having trouble coping with all this but. If this is true, then starting to understand a little better why brother had gotten so desperate. I suppose wanting him dead while he was secretly saving my life time and again didn't help matters.

                Also learned that Father, even knowing everything, didn't even lift a finger to ensure justice was done. Bhelen took my place (!) in the assembly as Aeducan representative and actually had enough support to convict our brother without a trial. He did this and father did nothing. Don't understand. Turns out Raonar was only called in front of the Assembly because Melec Medra, a mere warrior, barged in an threatened to take his house and leave for the surface if they didn't abide by tradition and justice.

                Good on him for succeeding, even though this, as I understand, placed him in great jeopardy. Think It's amazing that, though one of father's most loyal guards, brother secured that man's loyalty in less than a day. I understand that he also turned Frandlin Ivo to his side, despite him initially being one of Bhelen's lackeys. How in Stone's name does he do it?

                Still can't get around the fact that my brother so boldly called those scum out on their treachery, even tired, hurt and about to be sent to his death. Surprised he didn't demand Valos Atredum though. An honor proving would have solved everything differently and, being a prince, he could have demanded to face Bhelen directly. No doubt this is why Bhelen was so adamant in getting rid of him without a trial. He knew Raonar could easily wipe the floor with him and that he had the right to demand to face his accuser directly instead of fighting House Aeducan's champion.

                Then again, after what I've seen, I think he might have been able to take Piotin on and win as well. So why? Why did he choose exile? Everyone, even Bhelen, were clearly already fooled and believed I was dead.

                Dammit, brother, I don't understand.

                Asked them what my brother had planned. they said they didn't know and that they were to keep me concealed until he returned or Bhelen began to make serious mistakes. Was upset and told them this is madness and that father is in danger with that monster around. My protests fell on deaf ears.

                04 Solis, 9:30 Dragon: Been thinking about this entire mess. If anything, being confined in here at least gave me time to consider things. Also a bit less tiresome than all the things I used to have to do every day. Been going around this place. Is bigger than I expected. There are several bedrooms, a kitchen (unused as of yet), a fairly large training area, a small library, even a sauna and large bathing room. Solid construction too. And there's also a room that was supposed to be carved into the stone but the efforts were stopped at some point. As it is, it's just being used as a storeroom, full of all sorts of tools.

                Stumbled upon Gorim when he was sweeping the training room. Asked him why he was performing a servant's task. It was far beneath him, after all. Gave me a strange look before telling me that I was supposed to be dead and, thus, servants couldn't really be sent down here and keep things in order since they had to be kept away from the truth. Strange to think he'd so easily demean himself for all this. Come to think of it, things seemed more or less tidy in all other chambers I've been through. Has he been cleaning the place up all this time?

                Decided to just ask him to explain why brother chose not to demand an honor proving. He told me that I am a fool for asking that question. He explained that brother had always been against the practice, as it made no sense, and that the seriousness of the accusations against him would have demanded that the proving be to the death. Told me that my sibling had done all this just to avoid kinslaying so a fight to the death would have defeated the whole purpose of it. He then asked me how I would have felt if I was confined here while he was free to live his life.

                Also asked him what my brother was really after. He said he wasn't sure, but suspected that this all is part of some bigger plan meant to reveal not just Bhelen, but all of his conspirators for the traitors they are. Would have asked why Raoanr didn't just come to me and tell me everything sooner, but realized that question would not have been a good idea after how... bad... the discussion went, the night prior to that entire mess.

                Still reeling from the gall of having my life taken away from me like this. I suppose it really is as Gorim said and I'd be hating Raonar right now if he hadn't made sure to go through something worse than what he's putting me through. After all, I really had wished he was dead. Dammit, how could I have been so blind? How did I fall for all of Bhelen's tricks that poisoned me against him? And how could father just sit by and watch? He may as well have been encouraging him! Stone dammit all!

                And why the sod was Raonar himself so disrespectful towards me these past years?

                Spent a lot of the day in that big bathing room (it is the sort meant for many people to share at once, and socialize apparently). The steam and hot water finally helped me relax a bit. Returned to my room to find Gorim changing the sheets. He'd apparently cleaned up the whole chamber in my absence. Felt a bit uncomfortable. Thankfully, he left without saying anything.

                Have to remember to ask about the castless helper.

                07 Solis, 9:30 Dragon: Finally got around to asking Gorim who that brand that helped us was. Apparently, he's the brother of Bhelen's concubine. Think I may have been staring at Gorim with my mouth open for a bit too long before he had to point it out to me. Learned that the reason my brother disappeared on the day of the feast was so that he could go to dust town and break into the Carta's hideout and spring him out.

                I questioned the logic behind it and, oddly enough, Gorim said he agreed with me. Still, had to admit it was surprising to hear that the brand was the same one that won the proving in the week prior to Raonar's commission. Used to think like everyone else that castless should have never been born. However, after seeing this one coming to my brother's aid by his own initiative (and I understand brother tried to conceal his identity and keep him out of this bloody politics) I'm starting to wonder if maybe brands have more loyalty and honor than all these traitors calling themselves nobles.

                Never thought I'd question our traditions, but I suppose at least half the deshyrs are dishonest in their supposed support of them. Have to think on all this. There's a reason the Ancestors favored that man that he won that proving and even got my own brother, a prince of Orzammar, to personally go to his rescue.

                Just how many things am I wrong about really?

                15 Solis, 9:30 Dragon: Harrowmont came by again. Updated me on what was going on above. Father has supposedly taken ill. He's been ill all this time and they didn't tell me!

                I got mad and started yelling. Gorim eventually started shouting back and told me that father's only really suffering because of my brothers exile and that my own death was just something minor to him. Wanted to strike at him. Unfortunately, when asked if this was true, Harrowmont just looked stricken and stayed silent. I said that Bhelen may be poisoning him. Harrowmont doesn't think it's true since it doesn't seem to be that serious. He genuinely believes he's just suffering from heartbreak.

                Can't believe it. Refuse to believe it! It doesn't make any sense! He practically doomed him to the deeps! That he'd be broken up over his loss just doesn't make any sense! Dammit, I have no idea what to think anymore. I knew he favored him but this... this is just too much.

                Have to get out of here somehow.

                20 Solis, 9:30 Dragon: Been making use of that training room. Thankfully, there are a lot of weapon racks there for me to practice with. Wonder why they just left all these arms lying around. I could just take one and try to fight my way out after all. Then again, I'd have to get through Gorim, and he already made it clear how that would go. And even if I did snap and killed him by accident, it's not like I can smash my way out of here with an axe or sword, or even a maul.

                Been getting angrier by the day. Wish I could get my hands on Bhelen and beat the living lights out of him. On the other hand, not sure how I'd handle meeting father or brother again. Still not over father's betrayal and the shock at what Raonar felt himself compelled to do.

                Think I've only really been relieving my frustration on those defenseless dummies. Been avoiding any talks with Gorim too. Noticed him going about his self-imposed duty as my caretaker. He seems to be doing everything quite diligently for someone that obviously can't stand me.

                23 Solis, 9:30 Dragon: Found out that father isn't that bad as far as health goes and that he really doesn't look like he's going to do anything about Bhelen any time soon. Still can't believe this. He knows what that little bastard did and yet he's just going on with his life and rule, living in the same home with him as if nothing had happened. And all the while, the city goes on thinking he's the perfect picture of honor and fairness.

                Never thought I'd come to be angry at him, especially like this. To think he'd turn out to be such a hypocrite. Been trying to deny it, to convince myself Gorim and Harrowmont are lying to me about this, but I find it hard to justify this denial. They have no reason to lie to me, and Gorim's been sparing me none of his thoughts whenever I pushed his buttons. Though I hate to admit it, his insolence is a clear indicator that he's been honest with me this whole time.

                Dammit, father, how can you live with yourself?

                26 Solis, 9:30 Dragon: Went and checked out that unfinished room for some reason. It's actually already as big as my quarters and was being carved out of the black granite.

                Sod it all, this isolation is driving me mad. Even Gorim's been more silent than usual for some reason, like he has a reason of his own to sulk.

                28 Solis, 9:30 Dragon: Finally couldn't stand it and just came out and asked Gorim what the hell the problem was. He'd been quiet and angry at things for days and I knew there was something he wasn't telling me. He started by laughing bitterly and asking me since when did I care about his feelings. Told him I found his attitude aggravating. He didn't seem to care. Told me that my wish may have finally been fulfilled.

                Upon being asked what in the deeps that meant, he gave me a dark look and told me of the most recent news from the surface. He said that a Blight had really started, that the human armies had clashed with the darkspawn horde at some place called Ostagar, that the fight had gone awry and that all the Grey Wardens were expected to be dead. And since my brother had (hopefully, or so we thought) been made a member of that order...

                Felt like a big glass bowl had been smashed against my head for some reason. Think I may have been trembling also. Demanded to know details and learned that, according to some whispers, the human king's (Cailan that is, that spirited kid) most trusted general had betrayed him and left him to be overwhelmed, along with the wardens themselves. This Teyrn Loghain then branded all Wardens outlaws, saying that they were Orlesian spies that had actually conspired with the darkspawn.

                Betrayal, even there, even during a Blight! This is insanity! And worse, no one knew for real if any wardens had survived. Sod it all, now I don't know what to think. Used to feel like I wanted to just see him get back here so I could give him a piece of my mind for thinking he knew what was best and for screwing my life up like this but now I have no idea what I feel.

                At least now I know why Gorim is so upset. Ancestors damn it all! This is all that little prick Bhelen's fault! I'll have him for this.

                02 Matrinalis, 9:30 Dragon: Still won't be allowed to leave this place. Still won't be allowed to go and save my house from that treacherous bastard. Learned that father has been drifting away more and more from his kingly activities and that he's been missing some assembly sessions. Harrowmont tells me that father came to him and pleaded that he send an expedition into the Deep Roads, to look for my brother, to try and find a trace that he may have survived.

                Used to be that I felt jealous of how he always doted on him, and how he only suffered from his passing, but now I can't help but feel rage at how father is acting like this even though he was the one that doomed him to this fate. He never even let an inquiry be made into my 'murder' because he just didn't want house Aeducan to lose the crown. Used to be obsessed with it myself, but honestly didn't think he'd do all this just to avid a scandal. It's not like he was going to lose kingship, only that another house might get it after his passing.

                Having trouble coming to terms with this. If being the favored child of your king-father only ends up with him discarding you like some piece of trash, suddenly I'm not so jealous of him anymore.

                Hypocrisy everywhere. I'm starting to think brother got himself exiled on purpose just to spare himself the pain of being screwed over by everyone who was supposed to stand up for him. I still feel like I want to beat some senses into him but now, knowing that he might actually be dead, I just find myself wishing he isn't. Sod, things are just getting more and more confusing.

                07 Matrinalis, 9:30 Dragon: Walked in on Gorim going through some sword motions in the training room today. Somehow ended up sparring with him (with blunted training weapons, fortunately). We both went all out. Think we had our own shares of frustration and rage that we wanted to vent. Am aching all over, and so is he (probably) but I feel a little better. Not as lonely as before anyway. It's strange that I can barely stand him but he's one of the few people that didn't actually betray me. I can respect that much.

                Asked him how it was that he fought so well. Told me he'd been practicing with Baizyl ever since our 'death'. He also said that my eyes betrayed my every move. Only ever heard Piotin use that line before.

                Mentioned to Gorim how I so strongly wish I could get my hands on Bhelen and pummel him. He told me that I deserved my own share of beatings too. Think I was staring at him in shock for quite a while before I sputtered my outrage. He said that, with how I'd been 'treating Bhelen like he was an animal or servant caste at most', he was surprised he hadn't tried to commit fratricide sooner. He also said he was surprised my other brother went so far for me even though my treatment of him was 'deplorable and unfair'.

                Outrageous! All I ever did was try and get Bhelen to grow up and assume his responsibility as a prince of Orzammar! It's not like I was trying to put him down, or my other brother for that matter! Gorim laughed at me (!!!) and said I must be a real fool if I really didn't realize how much of a 'condescending brute' I was. Wanted to beat him up for such an insult. However, he used that glare on me and made it clear it would not accomplish anything but deprive me of the one responsible for my continued wellbeing.

                Ended up completely pulverizing two of the training dummies instead.

                08 matrinalis, 9:30 Dragon: Couldn't easily go to sleep last night (again!). Kept remembering Gorim telling me I'd been mistreating my brothers. Ended up spending the day avoiding each other and exchanging glares in the brief times when we were in the same room. Oddly enough, Gorim didn't look at me with hate. He looked disappointed and sad, if anything. He probably still doesn't approve of how my brother 'sacrificed himself' for me.

                Used to want him to actually disagree with my brother, as it would at least give me a measure of assurance (not that I needed any). In this case, however, I find myself oddly at odds with my own feelings, and the annoying part is that I have no idea what I am most angry about anymore. Gorim made it sound like he didn't approve of Raonar constantly watching my back. Then again, I only have his word that that's really been going on. Hmm, now this is an interesting thought.

                09 Matrinalis, 9:30 Dragon: Challenged Gorim today and implied that I didn't really believe Raonar had been foiling assassinations against me. In hindsight, it was probably a mistake to do it while I was standing within his reach and when he had his steel gauntlets on. Probably shouldn't have smirked at him triumphantly either.

                Only realized I'd been punched in the face after I'd been flung over and had hit the floor with my face. How in the deeps did THAT happen? He's shorter and has less of a massive frame than me, so how did he nail me so soundly? Left eye is still rather blue right now.

                Sod it all to hell! To think I'd ever be manhandled in such a manner! And by a lower castman! I swear I'll... Bah!

                Would have charged and battered him. However, he'd already disappeared by the time I got back to my feet. As far as I can tell, he came back hours later and dumped a stack of written parchments on my desk when I was in the bathing room. Left a note saying he wasn't going to waste his breath on me so he'd taken the time to just put together some written reports. The impudence!

                Won't look over them right now. Throbbing pain in my head too distracting.

                13 Matrinalis, 9:30 Dragon: Read through those so-called reports (again). Learned that those times in the past when I decided to publicly berate Raonar for doing something irresponsible were the same as those when he went off or set things in motion in such a way as to stop an attempt on my life and prevent anyone from thinking he had anything to do with it. He'd been causing small 'accidents' that foiled all those plans. Hate to admit it, but a lot of things make better sense now. This plot brother hatched to hide me and totally fool Bhelen (that smug bastard, I'll see his face when he learns how completely he's been manipulated) makes it obvious he's the same, brilliant prankster he was as a child. That said, those times I berated him was because he'd acted in a manner I found foolish. And since foolishness is apparently out of character for him...

                 Think I've been feeling a bit upset. One particularly grating realization is that, that one time when I lectured him in front of the army for 'running off and acted like a child' during one of my own military commissions was when he foiled a plot by house Gavorn. Damn it, he should have just come and told me! Why didn't he just let me know people were after me? Did he like the feeling of having the power to decide whether I lived or died? Or was it that he thought it would be useless to tell me if I wasn't observant enough to learn of it all on my own? Or was it something else?

                Sod it all into lava and back! I'll probably have another sleepless night at this rate!

                15 Matrinalis, 9:30 Dragon: Been getting really depressed lately. Reached the conclusion that I can't trust my own judgment. After all, I'd judged Bhelen harmless and obedient, thought of father as the pinnacle of honor and saw Raonar as the bad vein of the family that cared for nothing but himself. And all the while, Bhelen was a venomous snake, father was a hypocrite (if what Harrowmont and Gorim tell me is true, and I doubt they really have a reason to lie to me) and brother has really only been looking after me all these years, even as I constantly condemned him.

                Was out of ideas and ended up just asking Gorim if I've really been mistreating my brothers. Was surprised to see the flicker of sympathy in his eyes during that long period of silence when he was probably deciding on an answer. He said that I had been unfair but that that alone was not nearly enough to warrant kinslaying. He told me that he never approved of my conduct but that, if he were to choose who to favor between me or Bhelen, it would be me. Asked him if this was just because of what my brother thought. He replied by asking me if I suddenly cared about the opinion of 'my sibling's second' since I had asked for it.

                Took me a moment to realize he'd been alluding to how I'd snapped at him on the day of my brother's feast, when I sneered those words at him. He said that yes, what he'd just said really was his own opinion. As he left me to think, he made an offhand mention of how I might, next time, consider not making a fool of myself by 'acting like an ass in public.' Should have probably been taken aback at his impudence. Unfortunately, was too busy feeling shocked at the realization that I'd come to value the opinion of a lower castman. Should probably avoid mentioning that around him too much, or he'll say something like I never really cared about anyone's opinion, except maybe father's...

                And that might even be true. Bloody nugs!

                Think my headache is coming back.

                Only now realized that a lot of people were probably blatantly eavesdropping on that whole exchange. Gorim also explained the real, demeaning purpose of Bhelen's line about how my 'speech to that legless boy about hard work and making something of himself was fantastic' and how I totally missed the sarcasm.

                I feel really stupid right now. Blast it all!

                20 Matrinalis, 9:30 Dragon: I must have been sulking even worse than usual because Gorim actually asked me if I was feeling alright. Was surprised to hear the question. Dodged the answer and asked what was happening outside. Was told that Bhelen had 'assumed the same asinine attitude as the one I used to have' and that, according to Harrowmont, he's been getting a pretty big head. Of course, considering that father has been growing more and more distant from the matters of the court...

                This is getting troublesome. I can sense from Gorim's replies that father isn't doing well. Was told that brother had left him a letter that should have given him what he needed to push forward and stay strong, not lose his purpose. Harrowmont apparently fears it may not have worked. I fear that, as father grows more and more further apart from his kingly duties, people will turn to that sickeningly double dealing, smug snake more and more. Made worse by the fact that he's House Aeducan's deshyr now.

                Oh, the irony!

                Brother had better get back here soon because I find it increasingly hard to wait for the moment when I'll give Bhelen what's coming to him. If Raonar is still alive. Gorim told me there are rumors of Grey Warden survivors on the surface. He said that, if anyone survived, it'll be him. I'm not so sure. I mean, this is the surface we're talking about.

                No. I should probably banish such thoughts. He's survived the deep roads, he should handle anything. Come to think of it, I should probably ask Gorim just WHAT happened those years ago, when he came back changed. Not sure I'll bring myself to do it though... I feel like I won't like what I hear. I'll file it for later.

                26 Matrinalis, 9:30 Dragon: Gorim asked me if I was feeling alright again. Apparently, he realized my mind was roaming because we were sparring and I looked distracted. The amusing part was that this made it impossible for him to read my movements and I somehow ended up completely battering him without even trying. Of course, considering that I've been practically abusing all that workout equipment for the past three weeks, it was about sodding time!

                Felt a bit more self-assured after it all. Proposed to go again. However, was refused, as Gorim said he was feeling a bit lightheaded and needed a break. A really, really long break. He did say he'd ask Baizyl to come around more often, saying I'd grow in skill much faster if I trained with him. he mentioned he could probably use extra training too.

                Either way, need to find something else to occupy my time. Working out and training, and reading, can only do so much, and I want to be able to stop thinking about... everything... at least for a short while. I need a break from all this, and I'm stuck here anyway.

                30 Matrinais, 9:30 Dragon: Finally found a creative outlet of sorts, but it's a bit silly so I should probably not write about it. Would be a bit awkward. Not at all something a noble castman should be doing. Also, will have to make sure I am discreet enough about it because Gorim will definitely not let me hear the end of it if he finds out. Also noticed he's been acting a bit more at ease lately. Would have expected him to be more stand offish after realizing I was now stronger than him (finally!). Granted, I was always stronger, I was just taken by surprise when we clashed previously.

                Really need to stop being taken by surprise. Too many things have been happening that I've been blind to. And people, not just me, got hurt because of it, father and brother most of all. And I can only imagine what it's like for Gorim. I may be many things, but I'd like to think I'm not a hypocrite at least, so I have to admit that Gorim has it worse than me right now. He's forced to live 'dead' but he's also been struck from his family's records. He's not even a person, not even a memory in Orzammar.

                Will have to remember to do something about this when this whole mess gets cleared up. Would not have expected to feel this way some weeks ago, but Gorim did renounce his loyalty to our house and, right now, is acting on his loyalty to my brother. Have to remember to ask him just why he is so loyal to my sibling.

                And he's been performing servant tasks on top of everything else. Wonder if this is what it feels to be a burden. If this is what Raonar felt when we were children and he asked me if there was something wrong with him that made people say he'd eventually either try to kill me and Behlen or push us both to want to kill him.

                And here I went and allowed it all to happen, even though I promised him back then that I'd make sure nothing like that ever happens. Have I really been nothing but a blind fool all this time?

                04 Parvulis, 9:30 Dragon: Should have known I wouldn't be able to hide it from him for long. Still, I suppose it was my own fault for losing track of time. Never thought this sort of activity could be so entrancing, and relaxing even while requiring so much sustained effort. I didn't even realize he was at the door, looking at me... work... until I glanced around, to look for something to wipe the dust off my sweat-covered forehead.

                Think that was the first time I ever saw Gorim smiling in my presence. Actually, it was a wide grin. Blast it, I could tell he was reveling in my embarrassment! Was taken by surprise and lamely complained about how he hadn't knocked. Proved to be a bad Idea, as he revealed that he had knocked, several times in fact. I guess it was my own fault for making so much noise with... that. Oddly enough, he seemed to approve.

                Gorim spent the rest of the day helping me set that specific room in order and promised he'd persuade Harrowmont to provide me with some proper equipment. Told me my brother will finally have a reason to be jealous of me. He said Raonar had always wished to be able to do that sort of thing but that, when it came to it, he was more or less hopeless. Felt a pang of pride at those words.

                Blast. So awkward. I felt like a child being praised for finally learning to tie his own shoes. I have fallen far. Have to make Gorim swear to never, ever speak of this to anyone. Wait... he already said he'd talk to Harrowmont so that he can get me proper utensils.

                Sod it all! The nug is loose already! Dammit!

                This is all Raonar's fault! Somehow I just know it.

                13 Parvulis, 9:30 Dragon: Been getting regular reports of the various deals and decisions taken by the Assembly. All in all, Orzammar is moving on as thought I and my brother never even existed. Hypocrites, all of them. No matter. I am past the point where I dwelt on it. Been training with Baizyl from time to time as well. He really is good, almost, if not just as good as Piotin.

                Also found out Frandlin Ivo is, by all, accounts, Bhelen's so-called left hand. Considering that all signs indicate that he hasn't said anything about my survival, it would appear that we have a very high-grade mole within Bhelen's ranks. Brother really did secure the loyalty of extraordinary people. I wonder if it was all planned out this way of if people like these just naturally gravitate towards him. Gorim says it's probably both. Also heard that worm Vartag was discarded for a suspiciously similar worm called Rolik Gavorn. Bhelen really doens't have any taste when choosing a second. Tsk.

                Gorim also agreed to help me set up that scaffolding I had in mind, since I decided to step my efforts up a notch. He was a bit wary though, or was that concern? Said that it was okay if I stuck to smaller things for now but didn't try to dissuade me either. Should probably feel surprised at how he and I are actually getting along now. Amusingly, Gorim made an off-hand mention of how, since this is basically a violation of natural order, brother is probably shuddering randomly because of it, wherever he is, and I find the image just too amusing to discard.

                Yes, think my sense of humor has been benefiting from it too. Brother had long ago told me my sense of humor had shortcomings. Can't wait to see the look on his face when he comes back. I bet it will be priceless.

                22 Parvulis, 9:30 Dragon: Learned that the team sent by Harrowmont to the deep roads to look for signs of my brother, under the pretense that they were really looking for signs of Paragon Branka, found nothing. Felt relieved at the news, but still anxious at how no rumors have been heard of the supposed Grey Warden survivors on the surface. The surface merchants coming and going don't have much information but, all in all, if there were survivors, nothing has been heard of them for over a month.

                Anyway, as said before, decided to just take a break from all this. Need some time to put things in perspective, so I decided to submerge myself in... that... for the time being. Feels silly, but I can't bring myself to actually write down what it is for some reason. Anyway, Gorim's been increasingly mindful of things and has been doing his best not to bother me overmuch, especially when I'm 'working'. He did, however, show quite some interest in one of those smaller items and asked if he could have one.

                Still not over the strange feeling of gratification that whole scene left me with.

                On the other hand, I think Gorim's been gaining a sort of, what was that weird metaphor brother had found in those damnable books of his? Mother hen complex? He's been complaining that I've been losing track of time too often lately and that I should stop forgetting to eat. He threatened to start dragging me out of there. Pointed out to him that he lacked the physical capacity to do so. In hindsight, it was probably a bad idea to look so smug while I said that, because he flatly mentioned that he could easily just get Baizyl to help him.

                I stand by my conclusion that this is Raonar's fault somehow.

                Blast. You'd better be alive little brother, or I'll never let you hear the end of it. You caused this mess so it's your responsibility to fix it. I'd be a poor older brother if I didn't drill your sense of responsibility into you, now would I?

                29 Parvulis, 9:30 Dragon: Learned that father has been feeling worse than before, even though the news that no trace of brother was found was supposed to make him feel better (as it implies he survived). Harrowmont says father is starting to see for himself just what Bhelen is and is growing more and more horrified by the day. Honestly, I think it's about time, though I find it troubling that his actual health is being affected.

                Seems he's been leaving the palace less and less lately, and that he's been neglecting his kingly duties more and more. Honestly don't know how to feel about this. What did he expect anyway? Did he think Bhelen would suddenly prove to be a paragon of virtue and he'd be at ease, even after throwing me and brother away like trash?

                Never thought I'd actually feel angry at him but there it is. I just hope I won't turn into a cynic after all this is over.

                Bah. Suppose I'll just go and kill some more time. Have a feeling sleep won't come easily tonight either. Have been forced to actually wear myself out before I can get any sort of rest these days. Betrayal and lies on all sides.

                To the deeps with it all.

                08 Frumentum, 9:30 Dragon: Learned that Bhelen's concubine is expecting a child. Of all the bombs dropped on my head, this ranks among the top five. If she has a son, he'll already have an heir. Wonder if he planned for this in advance for whatever reason. Don't really know what to feel about this really. I'm not angry at least. I think I actually pity the poor kid, to have been fathered by such scum. I just hope he'll take after his mother more than he does after his father.

                Gorim tells me the lass seemed of the good sort. Surprising, considering I thought her a thief when I saw her those few times. To think she was actually nervous and worried that her own brother had gone missing and just wanted to get some help with that. Sod it all, to think castless care about their family members while nobles commit fratricide just because that's what politics are like.

                Should stop before I start imagining Bhelen's smug face. No doubt he feels all satisfied and would just love to rub it in my face that he's just so much better at 'the game.' No matter. it's not like I actually played the game in the first place, though I suppose if I did I would have spotted the signs and things wouldn't have happened this way. After all, Bhelen's so-called scheme only worked because brother chose to help it along. Even I can see it could have gone wrong in so many ways.

                Seriously, killing me was one thing, but framing Raonar? There would have had to be some universal law that dictated he'd arrive and walk over to stand above my corpse at the precise moment when Bhelen just 'happened' to be leading father and the others there. And that's assuming my brother even fell for his 'Trian might try to kill you out of jealousy' tirade. I suppose I should hand it to him that he's a good actor. After all, I did fall for it, and so did Gorim (he admitted to it). But honestly, being good at lying isn't something I see as a quality.

                No, Bhelen is nothing special, not really. The fact that Raonar had been saving my life time and again without him even suspecting it is proof of just how big his head was already getting. The real problem is the noble caste itself. They are all murderers and cheats. To think that one of the few truly honorable ones is the one holding me prisoner. Really is a bitter irony, all of this.

                Starting to feel bad for what Pyral must be going through, having to keep father in the dark about me. Hope father will get better soon. He's still not past his fifties, so he should still have some strength left. He's the king, for Paragons' sake.

                19 Frumentum, 9:30 Dragon: Things above have been going on just as before. Nothing has changed, no one got a grip on life. Have just been working on that thing. The scaffolding is kind of high up now, compared to before. Gorim has been helping me with it but expressed his concerns as to the dangers of working at such heights.

                Waved him off. Honestly, he worries too much. It boggles my mind how he lasted and kept his sanity while serving my brother, knowing now all the insane things he did.

                26 Frumentum, 9:30 Dragon: Finally gathered enough courage to ask Gorim about what it was like in that expedition that he and Raonar ran off with after mother's death. Didn't really expect a straight answer. As such, I was surprised when he agreed to tell me. Told me he didn't know just what it was that turned brother's hair white and his eyes almost silver (all I know is what he told everyone else, that it was an incident involving lyrium). What I did learn was just how he came to have that beard style of his that Harrowmont, the assembly steward, the proving master and so many other nobles ended up shamelessly copying.

                The story was hard to listen through. Had a shred of impulse to comment on how inappropriate it was for him to have a relationship with a lower-born, but Gorim was faster and told me not to bother complaining about it. He said that it was really stupid to hold something like that against him when our society practically encourages getting castless concubines just for breeding purposes. Gorim said it was really stupid to deny someone the right to decide their own love life and prevent relationships with non-nobles.

                Still, to learn brother experienced that sort of loss, and so soon after mother's death. And then there's what came afterwards. At least I got my answer to another question, that being just why Gorim is so loyal to my brother. Apparently, my sibling gave all he had to make sure they both got out of wherever they ended up alive. Them both, along with everyone else. And it even paid off in the end, as he got to the army, along with all the brontos and supplies, in the nick of time.

                Dammit, things just don't fit. Was our falling out and our strained relationship really all my fault? What would brother say to this, I wonder? Hmm, something like "both people involved in an argument are to blame for their failure to get along with each other, as neither is willing to consider the other's point of view." He said this back then, the day before he actually ran off with that expedition.

                Apparently, I still don't understand everything. This is all so frustrating.

                10 Umbralis, 9:30 Dragon: Found out that father's been getting worse and barely been leaving the palace anymore. Also learned that he spends most of his time in brother's old room. I understand he's been preserving it just as it was. Harrowmont says he often finds him in there, staring at that crystal-carved representation of Orzammar that mother carved for my sibling when he was younger. That, or looking at that hourglass wall, also designed by mother, and how the lyrium sand coursed through that imitation of many river beds.

                I understand Bhelen is getting angrier by the day (Harrowmont says Bhelen always looks at him with hate). He must find it grating. After all it was father's attention and approval that he craved and yet, even now, when he 'won', father still only thinks of our brother. Serves him right. I mean, just how much of an idiot is he? Did he really think father would praise him for so skillfully playing politics and murdering his children? And just how starved for attention does he have to be to become so obsessive?

                My feelings may have been hard to grasp, what with me apparently going about my role as elder brother all wrong, but even our other brother's love and recognition was not enough for him? That spoiled brat. I remember well just how mindful and affectionate Raonar always was towards him. He never missed anything, even the little things, like personally buying him birthday presents and giving them to him. I couldn't help but notice this, and I even felt jealous. No longer, though. It was my own fault for being so unfair and (though I hate to admit it) condescending towards them.

                Seem to be brooding a lot lately. Wonder if I'll get any sleep tonight. Think I'll go back to working on that thing early tomorrow. Need to keep my mind occupied.

                25 Umbralis, 9:30 Dragon: Been a long while since I wrote in this journal of mine. Of course, considering I've been recovering in bed for the past two weeks, I suppose it's not surprising. Sod, broken bones are really annoying.

                Two weeks ago I started the day early and went over to work on that thing again. The scaffolding was quite tall by then. Seems I was a bit too preoccupied with various thoughts that I ended up overloading the meager construction with too much rock. All I know is that the scaffolding collapsed from under me and I took a really bad fall. I vaguely remember Gorim hugging my head against his chest and/or (memory is a bit jumbled here) roughly popping my dislocated shoulder back into place before I really went unconscious from the shock. The pain was excruciating.

                Ended up with a broken leg, a broken arm, a sprained wrist (on my other arm, blast it all!) and a nasty concussion, plus a broken rib. I understand I was unconscious for at least a day and that Gorim and Baizyl had done all they could to bandage me up and use the best healing balms available on me. When I finally woke up, Gorim was seated on a bench he'd pulled close to the bed. He was seated there, with his arms crossed in front of his chest. The odd part, however, was that he seemed to be asleep.

                Of course, I groaned from the pain and his eyes snapped open. He immediately brought a glass of water to my lips, which I drank greedily, spilling a lot of it over my face (no princely grace at all. Dammit!). Guess I should be glad I didn't break my neck, although that wasn't the most surprising thing.

                No, what really shocked me was how Gorim went into an unstoppable, righteous fury as soon as he saw I was no longer dying of thirst. I don't think I ever got a tongue-lashing of that caliber in my entire life. I forgot most of what he said, but it all basically revolved around me being a 'rash idiot' and doing something so dangerous on my own. Was mostly too stumped to actually take in what he was saying because he actually sounded like he'd been worried about me. Huh. I guess I must have been smiling (it's his own fault for rubbing off on me) because he told me to 'stop grinning like an idiot and pay attention' (really think I have enough cause to start ranting about the impudence of the lower castman right about now).

                Told me I should be more careful with my life. He also mentioned that I should have known better than to abuse that scaffolding, especially considering that neither I nor he was a craftsman, so 'of COURSE that thing was going to be weaker than it would otherwise be' as he put it.

                Should probably not mention to Gorim that he gets just as adorable as brother does when he becomes exasperated. Have a feeling it would come out wrong and would be really awkward. Anyway, Gorim has been practically watching over me every night, except on every third or fourth one, when he really can't stand awake anymore and has Baizyl cover for him. Somehow managed to get Harrowmont's cousin to slip up and reveal his relationship with my distant cousin, Revelka, who is married to a Bemot.

                First I learn brother got involved with a warrior caste woman, and now this. The woes of forbidden romance. Really, am I the only one with any sense of propriety around here?

                The really embarrassing part in all this is that being confined to this bed implies some difficulty in taking care of my biological needs. Actually had to get into an argument with Gorim before he agreed to help me in and out of the bed when it came to such things instead of using the bedpan solution. Never want to go through THAT again, especially knowing Gorim is the one who would have to... but I won't get into that. It was hard and embarrassing enough when I was ten. I suppose I should be grateful at least one of my legs is fine.

                At least now I can eat on my own. Gorim had been baby-feeding me the past two weeks, and I swear I never want to go through such an embarrassing and awkward period again.

                Ever.

                29 Umbralis, 9:30 Dragon: Tried to persuade Gorim that he didn't need to lose sleep just to watch over me. Used to be a time when I would have expected no less devotion from a manservant, but such thoughts somehow seem really inappropriate now. It's just broken bones, after all, and they're healing quickly. And he's not my manservant per se.

                He refused. I think he sees this as his failure. My brother may very well be dead, so letting this happen to me probably feels like the worst sort of betrayal to him, since me dying under his care would be about the same thing as him failing the last request my brother set with him. And it really looks like he's been worrying about me as well.

                This is almost the same as last time, after that whole accident in the shaperate happened and I couldn't be moved from the bed. Little brother kept coming, breaking down and crying on the side of my bed because he was too perceptive not to find out that I may never be able to walk again. And he kept thinking it was his fault. To think I almost said I wished I'd never jumped in for him, and in front of not just father and  Harrowmont, but Gorim too. Gorim who's acting frighteningly similarly to how my sibling did back then, well, minus the crying.

                They both even called me "idiot prince" and "stupid big brother," respectively. Blast it!

                Wish these fractures would heal faster. Shouldn't be long now.

                03 Cassus, 9:30 Dragon: Must have been sulking again, because Gorim entered his "my brother mode" as I've come to call it. Don't know how it happened, but I somehow ended up apologizing for being a burden. I think he stared at me like I'd just grown a second head.

                For ten minutes.

                Then again, I think I was staring in shock for just as long. Damn, that blow to the head must have been worse than I thought If something like THAT, of all things, happened. At least I can feel some amusement at the fact that, wherever he is, Raonar probably felt a shudder of dread at a law of the universe being violated again. Really wish I could see the look on his face. Haven't had a teasing match with him in years and he's got it coming, I swear.

                Of course, need to get out of this casts first. Really hope I manage to get well before he comes back though. Don't want him to see me disabled like this. Seeing that look on his face when looking at me back then, after that accident, was enough.

                12 Cassus, 9:30 Dragon: Finally am back to my full strength again. Been beating Gorim almost every time during spars and I seem to be giving Baizyl problems now too. Anyway, decided to resume on that but Gorim's been very hard to deal with lately. Won't let me out of his sight. Asked him what in the deeps his problem was. Told me that someone had to make sure I didn't get myself killed by accident again. He also said that I'm the first person he ever met that came closer to getting himself killed when I was safely hidden away than when I had half of Orzammar's cheating 'nobles' plotting my death.

                Have to give him credit, he has a point. Told him he worries too much and that I'd be doing whatever I damn well please. He started rubbing his forehead and didn't stop until I agreed to let him 'prepare that room properly' whatever that meant.

                15 Cassus, 9:30 Dragon: I've been forbidden from entering that room for the past three days. Gorim somehow persuaded Baizyl to help him with whatever he's doing in there. Loud noises keep coming out of there, like they're building something, maybe another scaffold?

                16 Cassus, 9:30 Dragon: Turns out that building another scaffold is exactly what they were doing, only it seems to be a lot sturdier and has railings on every level, with very small gaps. Gorim said that since I 'get so easily embarrassed and can't work when he's watching me' he figured he may as well reduce the chances of me falling and braking my neck as well as he could. Spotted a book on physics and architecture lying around. Has he been studying it?

                Can't really get over how surreal my life is getting. Also, suppose I should be getting more annoyed at how casually he speaks to me but I find it more interesting to get amused at the look he puts on his face when I push his buttons.

                Regardless, I decided to take advantage of this reprieve from all the murdering and backstabbing and just enjoy my no longer new pastime. To think I'd come to be at ease within these walls. This cage.

                25 Cassus, 9:30 Dragon: I suppose nothing good, or in my case marginally satisfying, really ever lasts does it? Learned today that Father really has been feeling worse lately and has all but shut himself off form anything outside his quarters and my brother's old room. Harrowmont says he spends an unhealthy amount of time in there. Told me also that he walked in on him when Bhelen was there and that the little bastard glared at him like he wanted him and all his family dead before leaving.

                Pyral still doesn't think it's poison, but I'm not so sure. Asked him to at least advise father to start rotating tasters and to be especially careful of what he eats and drinks. Harrowmont and Gorim have been stretching their minds about how they might contact brother on the surface, if he's even alive (you'd better be alive or I'll follow you in the afterlife and punch you). We all came up empty. No one had any ideas, at least none that would be Bhelen-proof.

                Still think people are giving him too much credit.

                01 Verimensis, 9:31 Dragon: New year started off in force it seems. I suppose it was unrealistic to think things would start looking up.

                Found out that father refused to attend the new year festivities. Needless to say, the ever approval-seeking spoiled brat felt insulted and left out (go figure). I understand that father and Bhelen had a very serious argument. He must really be getting cocky if he actually has the gall to argue with our king-father. Even I knew better.

                Father apparently walked out on him, the palace and everything else. He's upstairs right now, having come to seek refuge in this estate.

                He's upstairs! He's so close and I haven't seen him in months. Surprisingly, am not as angry with Gorim and Pyral as I would have expected for not letting me see him even now. Honestly, don't know what I would say to him or if I'd be able to take it, seeing him... whatever he looks like now. I can tell from the look on Harrowmont's face that it's probably worse than I imagine. Then, of course, there's how Pyral fears the sight of me and realizing all he's done will just make him feel worse. Pyral asked me (begged, almost) to understand and wait until he gets better, strong enough to face the shock at realizing the magnitude of things.

                Still can't believe he's actually become so ill. And I can't believe I'm actually hoping that poison really is behind this but, if it is, at least he'll be able to recover now that he'll be eating safe.

                Poor Pyral too. He looks so old and tired, and stricken with grief himself. He's even had to lie to his wife about me being here, all this time. Can barely believe the burden he's carrying. He really is a strong man.

                Blast it all, how did it all come to this? I doubt this year could have possibly started off any worse, unless I had another accident. Am actually glad I can stay down here and think things through. I find myself certain that any reunion I have with father, regardless of his health, will not go very well unless I appropriately prepare myself for it.

                Have a feeling I won't be in the mood to work on that thing for a while.

                03 Verimensis, 9:31 Dragon: This is bad. Father is refusing to eat and he's supposedly wasting away little by little. Has he really lost all of his will to live? This can't be real.

                Spoke with Harrowmont and we both agreed that I'd go and see him tomorrow. I've been waiting for this for so long but now... Ancestors give me strength and wisdom because I really have no idea what will happen, or what I will learn.

                Harrowmont told me that father already made him swear on his deathbed he'd succeed him to the throne. Pyral said he answered with 'I'll do my best to keep Bhelen away from the throne.' This way he didn't have to lie and say he'll run for kingship.

                04 Verimensis: Used to think the day I found myself 'dead' in this place was the most shocking of my life but I do think today outclassed it by far. Father was a mess. The room he was in already stank of decay and he looked like he was half-dead already. He thought he was hallucinating when he noticed me standing there, in the shadows. Said so many things, such shocking things. Such terrible things that gave so much sense to this whole situation and made it all the more hard to bear at the same time.

                Father had discarded me even before that whole mess had happened! He said it! He actually said it, and it didn't even seem to bother him so much. He was just broken up over having failed Raonar. It hurt to hear that, it really did. I suppose I should feel jealous of brother but I honestly haven't the strength for it right now. Everything else father said sapped all the strength I had left. 

                Father knew about Bhelen's plot long before the day of brother's commission even came! He knew all along and he didn't do anything! No, he made it all worse! And even more, he didn't even bother telling me! Used to think him sweeping the mess regarding my 'death' under the rug was betrayal enough in itself but this... this... I have no words. How could he do this? And he said it all so easily, while he still thought I was a figment of his imagination. Kept going on and on about how he 'failed his child' like Raonar was his only offspring.

                Turns out being treated like the favorite was something brother always resented and even called father out on. Found out that he even pleaded with father to let him come to my rescue. Father, apparently, only cared about keeping him away from this mess because he'd given up on me and Bhelen both. And at the same time, he still suspected he might be plotting against all of us (as I used to) and snuck Melek Medra in his troops to keep an eye on him.

                Now I completely understand why brother didn't trust him with the secret of my survival. I also learned that Raonar probably knew about what Bhelen was doing well before even father did. But I thought about it, and it doesn't make sense. If he did, why then was he always so considerate towards Bhelen? Or was that love I saw just a lie on his part? Just which of those two is the better liar, really?

                 At least father seemed to be broken up over it, but that really didn't do much to lift my spirits. I feel so betrayed. To think the person I wanted dead is really the only one who ever gave a damn about me. How could I have been so blind?

                I eventually managed to make father realize I wasn't a hallucination, and he started crying in my arms like an infant. All I felt was like I wanted to sink into the Stone and stay there. It was so painful to see him like that, to feel him so weak, so diminished. And even though he betrayed me like this, it was trying to hold him in my arms, trying to make sure I didn't crush him by accident. Dammit, he used to be so strong, someone I looked up to as an example, everything I wanted to be, only for him to turn out like this.

                 I have no idea how long I held him. I just know it was long enough for him to cry himself to sleep, telling me he was sorry, over and over and over. I couldn't even bring myself to say anything. I didn't know what to say.

                I still don't.

                If we dwarves could dream and have nightmares, I have a feeling the experience wouldn't be as bad as this. And what's even more hard to take is that now I realize that brother probably felt worse since he realized early on just how many people, me included, had betrayed him. And then he went ahead and did all this, and was dragged through the whole city in chains and sneered and spat at.

                Damn it all! How could father do this? How could he condone this? Never thought anyone would make me feel as angry as Bhelen did. And it all seems to be getting worse and worse.

                Father is dying.

                Dammit! Dammit all!

                05 Verimensis, 9:31 Dragon: Bhelen's concubine finally gave birth, to a boy no less. Bhelen has an heir now.

                Let the world rejoice.

                The baby was brought before father. Coincidentally, I was in the room at the time, disguised as a guard. Must admit that having full massive armors with helmet covering the entire face as uniforms is really convenient, although really uncomfortable for me since I am larger than most. No matter.

                The child seemed to take more after his mother than his father. Good for him, I say. I suppose after this is over and if Bhelen gets revealed for the scum he is, he'll be struck from the records before getting his overdue punishment. I suppose that means his son will be left castless? I suppose there was a time when I would have been all for this but not anymore. Why should children have to suffer for the sins of their fathers? I suppose having seen what it's like first-hand gave me perspective on things.

                Father started weeping when the boy was presented to him, and he held him. I honestly don't know why he cried. Pity maybe? Because he lost the ability to react in any other way?

                Ironically, Bhelen plans to name the child Endrin, the same as father. I think it's all really sad. He doesn't see it that he'll never get father's approval and recognition. He's so obsessed with something he'll never have, and something that isn't all that relevant either.

                Never thought I'd pity my foolish little brother, but here it is.

                06 Verimensis, 9:31 Dragon: Father's been getting worse. He still refuses to eat and I don't understand why. He should have regained his will to live after seeing me alive, dammit! Instead he says he just wants it all to end, that he knows he's being a coward but that he can't face me and especially brother. He actually wants to die!

                I feel so sodding helpless and useless. And it gets worse. Told him that I don't understand why brother was so nice to Bhelen all these months if he really knew what he was planning. Father thinks it was his last attempt at turning him away from that path. I had the impulse to see this as foolishness, naivety, but it didn't last long. I suppose it really was just one last ditch attempt at keeping this family together, a responsibility that father discarded.

                Also learned about the letter brother sent him. He said he realized now that that letter had a hidden, deeper meaning that became clear now that all this was revealed. Meaning beneath meaning, just like so many things were hidden from my sight and everyone else's. Just what was brother thinking? This piece of paper father wrote now... it is so strange. I asked father if he could reproduce the original letter. Told me he could, but that he wouldn't because I wouldn't understand. I'm sick of being told I won't understand. I'm not a complete idiot, for Stone's sake!

                Decided to just abide by his wishes. Am still feeling really bad from seeing his life drift away in front of my eyes. I haven't been able to sleep properly for days. Gorim has been giving me space, realizing that I want to be alone with my thoughts.

                Pah! Reading these last entries almost disgusts me. To think I've been reduced to such an emotional wreck.

                Damn you, father, why won't you just get better? You stubborn fool! You never listen. Why don't you ever listen?

                07 Verimensis, 9:31 Dragon: Father's been saying less and less. These days and nights I've just been sitting by his side and holding his hand, watching him. Wonder if this is what brother felt when he was watching over mother in her last moments.

                Father made me swear I'd do as brother said when he came back. He still hopes he's alive, and I can't bring myself to shatter this final piece of hope. He said I shouldn't make the same mistake he did, that I should trust Raonar. That he'd surely have a plan that would fix things as well as possible. Other than that, he just kept saying he was sorry for everything, and for being too much of a coward to disown Bhelen publicly. He said he couldn't bring himself to do it because, after sweeping the two of us under the rug, it would have seemed too hypocritical on his part to do it, even if it was long overdue.

                Fool. Leaving our house in the hands of such scum.

                Dammit, brother, where the sod are you?

                08 Verimensis, 9:31 Dragon: Father died today.

                09 Verimensis, 9:31 Dragon: Been staring at this page and reached the same conclusion as yesterday, that I really have no words to express what I feel, so I won't bother. The broken and shattered training dummies, dented weapons and chipped walls of the training room are conveying my feelings just fine.

                Understand there's a wake being held. Bhelen and anyone from house Aeducan has been barred from attending. Harrowmont already spread the word that father chose him as his successor, which is, technically true. I suppose this is where the war of politics starts for real.

                I won't be attending the funeral, even if Harrowmont does offer to let me go undercover as one of his guardsmen. I don't trust myself not to snap and break Bhelen's neck where he stands.

                10 Verimensis, 9:31 Dragon: My head hurts. Last night Gorim walked in on me sulking, sitting by the bed and staring blankly. He brought a huge keg of the strongest ale on hand and told me he'd pester me until I agreed to share a drink with him. Told me he didn't know how to deal with people the same way brother did but that he knew for sure ale was a good alternative. Was touched to see him care so strongly but really, he didn't really need to try all that hard.

                Am now experiencing a bad hangover, hence my headache. Whoever first said that drowning your grief in alcohol was a good idea should be executed. Unfortunately, the person is no doubt long dead so my wish will go unfulfilled.

                Don't really remember what happened last night. I think Gorim carried me over to the bed and tucked me in at some point. Glad I wasn't awake to feel weirded out by it. Really hope I didn't say too many embarrassing things either.

                Dammit, father is dead. Brother probably is too. Do I really have nothing and no one left?

                I suppose it's like that old saying, that you don't know what you have until it's gone.

                Is this how Gorim feels all the time?

                11 Verimensis, 9:31 Dragon: I'll have his head! I'll be there to see it when everything he worked for falls to pieces, I swear it! That little bastard!

                Woke up and went to see what Gorim was up to, only to find him being tended to by Baizyl. Father's been dead for barely three days and already that little snake sent an assassin after Harrowmont! Pyral escaped unharmed just because Gorim was there, disguised like a guard. He manage to kill the assailant, but ended up with the tendons around his right knee severed. To hell with it all! Gorim will never fight again! His leg will never recover! Being a warrior was all Gorim had left and now he's been robbed of that as well!

                Bhelen has gone too far this time. His petty hatred is like a disease. I'll have him for this, I swear it. Feel like I want to just burst out of here right now, destroy everything in my way and crush Bhelen's skull. Unfortunately, I fear I may actually succeed if I do try this and that would just not do.

                He'll see what it's like to lose everything first. His grandstanding at my expense, I could overlook. That the nobles love him when he has accomplished nothing, this I have learned to forgive. That he spat on brother's affection is something between the two of them, regardless of how much I want to beat his senses out of him for it. And father's death really was more self-inflicted than anything else.

                But I have reached my limit. Crippling Gorim for the rest of his days, this I will see him pay for.

                Need to go get some books form the library. Have to learn to mediate in order to calm down. Last time I acted in anger I nearly doomed myself and my brother.

                Never again.

                17 Verimensis, 9:31 Dragon: Been getting back up to speed with things in Orzammar. With the succession crisis, trade with the surface has been suspended and the gates sealed. Apparently, house Aeducan threw their lot in with Bhelen and seem to have 'forgotten' about father disowning him. Granted, it wasn't in public, but still, are they all really such fools? Then again, Bhelen did have me fooled into thinking he was obsequious and loyal when in truth he was a rotten sot. What's really grating is that Piotin seems to be one of his most avid supporters.

                Blast, this makes things complicated. Used to get along well with cousin and now he's so easily become Bhelen's lackey. I thought he had a bit more dignity than that. Then again, his family loyalty always was the thing his prided himself in most, immediately after his battle prowess. And since Bhelen is, technically, Aeducan House head now...

                Also learned that he has half the assembly on his side but that he lost the support of house Helmi. I must say that was a very weak move on his part as it seems several other houses followed suite and joined Harrowmont.

                It must be eating at him a lot that he's being kept form the Throne. I agreed to keep waiting to see how things go between Harrowmont and Bhelen before I decide what to do and when to show myself.

                Been thinking about Raonar a lot more lately too. However, with all the anger streaming out of me, have been having trouble deciding what I feel about him for now.

                22 Verimensis, 9:31 Dragon: Baizyl and Melec Medra ended up escorting Harrowmont to father's funeral. House Medra swore fealty to House Harrowmont yesterday too. House Saelac still serving Aeducan though. Think Gorim took it in stride, but I think it's bothering him. He's had to do to his father what I've been forced to do.

                Speaking of Gorim, he's out and about again, but I can see he's walking a little limp, even though he tries to hide it. He began cleaning the place up again, methodically and silently. He's been avoiding my gaze and saying little. Honestly have no idea what to say either.

                24 Verimensis, 9:31 Dragon: Couldn't take seeing Gorim push himself like this and just told him to stop. Even offered to start tending to things myself, since I needed something to occupy myself with, especially now that I don't do much to that anymore. He shook his head at first. When I insisted he flatly said he wanted to keep things in order. When I insisted again, he snapped at me and told me to see to my own damn business and figure out to fix all this and just leave him be.

                This is just wrong. Gorim's feeling useless and is doing his best not to become a burden. On top of it all, there is no news of brother in sight. Dammit all to the depths of the earth! To think even Gorim could end up broken.

                Brother, if you ever come back, I'm not sure I'll be able to face you.

                02 Pluitanis, 9:31 Dragon: Some sodding good news at last, or so we'd like to think. A group of Grey Wardens came to Orzammar and were allowed entry because of some treaties they need us dwarves to honor. They basically came to request our aid against the Blight on the surface.

                Honestly, don't care about that much. What I do care is that two of those wardens are dwarves. Unfortunately, they were fully armored and had their faces covered so it's impossible to guess their identities for sure. Really hope brother is one of them. And if that second one is the brand that left with him, then we can finally do something about all this. We're on the verge of civil war here.

                Leader of wardens is a human woman apparently, of all things. Also, one of them seems to be the same mage that was with Duncan at my brother's feast last year. Wander what happened to that man. For a human, he was honorable and a great warrior. Knowing what happened at Ostagar, however, not feeling especially hopeful right now.

                Harrowmont and Gorim both suggested we wait for now. If either of them is who we hope, they'll contact us soon. In the meantime, their business with the troops will no doubt lead them to Dulin Forender, Pyral's second, eventually.

                03 Pluitanis, 9:31 Dragon: No word still. All we got was the three humans and the elven mage speaking to Dulin Forender (who doesn't know about me being alive) about what would imply getting in to see Harrowmont. Am starting to get worried. Shouldn't Raonar, if he was among the wardens, have contacted us by now? Gorim thinks brother is deliberately going incognito and I agree it's something he would probably do, but this is taking too long.

                And it also looks like the Grey Wardens aren't keen on getting involved in this whole political mess at all. Is he with the wardens at all? Or is this all just wishful thinking?

                I haven't been able to sleep in days. Blast it all.

                04 Pluitanis, 9:31 Dragon: Today was positively maddening. After another night of no sleep, I think I ended up pacing through this whole section of the estate. Gorim's been mostly absent, masquerading as the guard again. The Grand Proving is supposed to be today, the one that Bhelen, that hypocrite, sponsored to honor father's memory. Like people won't notice this whole thing for the political ploy that it is.

                Still, am nervous because this is an opportunity to prove one has the favor of the Ancestors, but Bhelen somehow got Pyral's best two fighters to drop out, even Baizyl. What is going on?

                Gorim, oddly enough, didn't come back down here yet. Hope it's not because of some bad news he doesn't want to give me.

                05 Pluitanis, 9:31 Dragon: I think I spent at least a half an hour just gathering the courage to start this journal entry. Unfortunately, once again failed to find suitable words to describe what I feel, so I'll just say it.

                My brother is dead.

                There, I've said it.

                I kept hoping, all these weeks that he'd just pop out of nowhere, and with each passing day those hopes grew dimmer. And then, the Wardens came, and I foolishly indulged in a new dose of it. I am a fool, as always, though I suppose no bigger than the others, since Gorim, Baizyl and Pyral all hoped he was one of the two 'surface dwarves' that arrived.

                Should have known something was wrong when Gorim didn't come down yesterday. Was initially worried that something may have happened to him again, but when he did finally show up with breakfast, he attempted to dodge my questions, saying that we can't know anything for sure yet. I had to pin him against the wall, bad leg and all, and demand that he just tell me everything. Learned that one of the dwarves was the brand that was on our side, but my heart didn't have time to lift before Gorim slammed me with the rest of it.

                Brother wasn't the other dwarf. It was a brown-haired, apparently blind surfacer. Felt like I'd just been stabbed all over again. And then Gorim finished me off by informing me of how the brand had given an accusatory speech and had dedicated his win to my brother's memory.

                My brother's memory.

                Dammit all! You're really dead aren't you?

                Gorim looked distant and said that Harrowmont has a plan. Said that we can be reasonably sure the Wardens will help us. Pyral wants to get them to eliminate Jarvia's carta and look for some damning evidence that would link Bhelen to the plot against my life. Said there should be some letters or something, enough to expose him. That, along with me revealing to not be dead would be more than enough to finish him once and for all.

                Only absently listened to all that. Think he realized he was wasting his breath because he left.

                This can't be real. Used to be I wanted him back just so I could knock some senses into him. Then it was so I could at least make sense of things. And then father told me those things and everything made such perfect, terrible sense. Dammit, how did this happen? How could I let this happen? How could I cause this to happen? I can try and ignore my fault in all this but, in the end, I have to admit that I did cause all this. I'd want to curse and scream and smash things, but I'm just too tired. Haven't slept in five days, although I suppose it's the least I deserve.

                All that time he'd been watching my back and all I did was belittle him. Always he'd been dealing with betrayal upon betrayal, always maintaining that carefree attitude while only he and Gorim, to some extent, knew what he was really going through. I shudder to imagine how hard it must have hit him when he learned Bhelen had started courting the assembly, whenever that was. And then I kept berating him, trying to publicly discredit him just out of jealousy, even as I let Bhelen play me like a fool.

                I pushed him to do this. Each time he saved me I made it harder for him, and each time the betrayals piled on top of each other. Orzammar's betrayal, Bhelen's, then father's betrayal, which probably hurt most of all. Each time he tried to fix things some new treachery pushed him to more desperate measures, and every time I should have supported him I tried to assert my superiority instead.

                He used to trust me with his every secret once, and yet, these past years, he didn't trust me even with my own survival. And now father's is dead, Bhelen is a monster and Gorim is a cripple, and it's all my fault. If I didn't stay so blind to everything around me, things would have been different. If I hadn't made so many enemies that people wanted to poison me and ended up killing mother instead, none of this would have happened. None of it.

                I see it well enough now that he didn't just set the stage for his later return and victory. He also made sure that things were in such a direction headed that we would be able to fix this whole mess even if he were to die.

                I spent so many days thinking about what I would say to him when he finally came back. The words changed in my head from time to time, but the idea was mostly the same. I suppose it no longer makes any difference. I'll never get the chance to tell him. Suppose I may even deserve worse. Of all in our family, except that spoiled brat, I've had it the easiest. Even while confined in here, I've been privileged compared to father and him.

                Gorim pleaded with me to try and rest, that I'd soon start to have hallucinations. Sod it all, I actually wish I did have one, because then at least I's be able to pretend to be able to get this off my chest.

                I am a fool. A blind fool.

                I'm sorry, my brother. I'm so very, very sorry.

"-.  .-"

                The so-called exile lost track of how long he'd been standing there. After he finished reading through that tome, he got up from the desk and walked over to stand by the bed, just looking at Trian, still sleeping. He hadn't even shifted in his bed, and yet he looked completely different, like he was visible in a whole new light.

                And it was there that Raonar knew for certain the fundamental difference between him and his elder brother, and that was that he (the second son that is) knew himself and his emotions much better and, thus, did not need as many weeks to realize how he felt. So he just leaned forward and placed his hand on Trian's forehead, knowing that the silence would not betray his words to anyone.

                "I'm sorry too, Trian. Maybe I really did go too far this time."

                What he did next could probably be classified as unexpected, as he simply grabbed the sheets and flung them well away, so he could pull Trian's shirt up. The scar from the stab wound was barely visible, but it was practically a beacon for those who knew how it came to be.

                After tucking his brother in again, the white-haired prince made his way to meet up with the others. His walk through the corridors was slow and silent, spent in contemplation, until he at last reached that chamber, just before the passage leading back above. The room was neither big nor small, but there was a table there, with several chairs. Faren and Gorim were the only ones there, as Pyral and Baizyl has stayed up in the former's quarters, to speak with Gwen and Alim.

                Gorim and Faren seemed to be chatting about something but stopped and turned to look at him when he appeared at the door. There was a short time of silence as the exile seemed lost in thought, eyes half-lidded and staring at nothing in particular.

                "So," Faren broke the quiet with some forced cheer. "What happened with Trian."

                "Oh," it took Raonar a single instant to just come out and say it. "He started crying so I sent him to bed." There was a pause. "Wait... that didn't come out right..."

                The loyal second and the castless rogue shared a confused look before turning to regard the third dwarf again. And Faren spoke again. "Wait, so you made you big brother cry and sent him to bed early? Isn't that a bit harsh? Let me guess, it was for his own good?"

                "Yes," was the prince's flat answer.

                Gorim, however, had to appease the redhead's confusion. "When it comes to the Aeducans, I've learned to accept things in stride because nothing either of them does ever really makes sense."

                "Yes, I suppose that's one way to say it," the exile agreed distantly. After that he walked straight at his second and stopped right in front of him, staring into his eyes. The man didn't look uncomfortable for even a second, although he did jump headlong into stupefaction when his master took his hands and kissed them both, one after another.

                Gorim didn't need any explanation. "I didn't do it, but you did, didn't you? You read his journal again, right?"

                Raonar didn't need to actually confirm either. "I'll skip the part where I start ranting about what a poor master I've been to you for indirectly turning you into a cripple since you'll just start to contradict me and we'll get nowhere. So... thank you. Just... thank you. You really performed a miracle over these past months."

                And, oddly enough, Gorim Saelac just snorted. "I said I'll always be your man, my lord Aeducan, and I meant it. Just, do me a favor and, next time, don't kiss my hand or anything, especially when others are watching. Feels really awkward. You can always just give me a raise instead," he stopped and looked aside as if in concentration. "Or something."

                "Fine, fine," the prince agreed with mock boredom as he made to go above. "Come on. I have to talk to Harrowmont. I find myself in need of measuring tape. I intended to bring some when we came here but I couldn't find any."

                The two other dwarves decided it was best not to chase away the blissful silence by trying to ask questions meant to let them draw some sense out of that statement. It would have probably ended with their day getting more surreal than they would be able to handle anyway.