peopleofthedas | Apostates of Amaranthine: Chapter 90

Title: Apostates of Amaranthine: Chapter 90- "I was trying to be gentlemanly."
Characters: Anders/f!Amell (Maggie)
Rating: M/AO (this chapter T)
Word Count: around 4000
Summary: Unlikely hero Maggie Amell attempts to rebuild the Grey Wardens and deal with continuing threats from the darkspawn, while trying to fit into a world that's a far cry from the tower. All this while the Chantry seems to wait around every corner, eager to remind her and Anders just what they think of mages who manage to escape Circle control.
In this chapter: Even Maggie begins to doubt her sanity, just in time for the latest international clusterfuck!

Just realized I listed both chapters 88 and 89 as chapter 88- went back and fixed the post.

"What did you talk about?" Anders asked me.

We were curled up under the threadbare blankets of a shoddy inn at the intersection of the Lake Road and the North Road, headed home. I rolled to my side and sighed. For days I had been avoiding talking about it.

"You don't have to tell me," he said after a moment, voice low. "I just thought you might want to talk." While I was sure that was true, I also knew he was burning with curiosity.

"Her father was a mage," I said quietly. "And her sister." He all but sat up in bed, Anders was so startled. "Both dead."

"I'm sorry," he said.

"Me too. I guess he died when she was very young- templars. Her sister was much older, she was a teenager by then. She died during the blight, helping to defend her village against the darkspawn." Anders was running his hand along my arm, an expression of concern on his face as I poured out the rest of our conversation from just after we'd arrived and the brief talks she and I had in the following days. "She couldn't read," I told him. "That's why she never tried to write me after the blight. Her father died before she'd really learned, and by the time she was grown she'd forgotten it all."

"Her mother?"

I shrugged. "I got the impression her mother never knew, either. I don't know, maybe that's one of those things that's harder to learn if you don't pick it up as a kid."

"Could be," Anders said. "I did teach some of the basic reading classes for the youngest apprentices in the tower, they seemed to catch on quicker than the Wardens I've helped." He sighed. "It's not as common as you'd think- reading. I learned at Chantry, so did my mother, but people outside the cities where the Chantries might be too far to send the kids every morning have to teach them themselves. And if they never learned…"

"Hob even tried to teach her, and Catherine. She said she just couldn't pick it up."

"How do you feel?"

I bit my lip, embarrassed by the answer. Anders stared at me, knowing I was dodging the question. "Angry," I admitted after a moment.

"Angry? Why?"

"It'll sound selfish."

"No it won't, tell me."

"Five years," I said, sitting up with the blankets wrapped around me. "Five damned years since the blight ended. Since they knew who I was and where I could be found. And she waited until now. We could have…" I trailed off, not sure what I hoped. "Well, it doesn't much matter what we could have done. She's dead now."

"Are you upset we went?"

"No," I said after a moment. "I mean, if I'd never known it might have been better. But if I'd told Hob to go screw himself and stayed home I'd spend the rest of my life wondering. I guess I'd hoped that—"

"That I'd be able to heal her?"

"Yeah," I admitted.

He sighed, sitting up and putting his arms around me. "I'm sorry," Anders said quietly. "I wish I could have; I hoped the same thing. When Hob said she was dying my first thought was that I could do a better job than some random mage working out of the Redcliffe Chantry. Her path was set long before, though. She's probably been slowly dying for a couple years now, at least. Maybe longer."

"I know," I sighed. "Even I could tell she was a real mess. It's just…" I leaned forward, shoving my hair back. "She said she didn't want to give me up. She said she never stopped thinking about me. So why did she wait until now? Why didn't she tell me years ago? Or even just months? It's like… I don't know," I struggled to find the words. "It's like she wanted to die knowing she'd told me that, but didn't want to actually know me. I'm a grown woman, it's not as if I'd be demanding bedtime stories or anything. But is wanting even a month or two to get to know my mother too much to ask?"

"No, it's not," Anders said. "Maybe Hob stopped her. Maybe she was worried you'd reject her. Who knows? You ask me, she lost out on much more than you did." When I wasn't able to hold back the tears I'd been fighting off for days any longer Anders tightened his grip on me, running one hand across my hair.

"Mags?" he said quietly when I stopped sniffling.

"Yeah?"

"This may be a bad time, but I have to ask you something."

"What?" I said, shifting so I could see him.

"We don't have to invite your father to dinner on Andraste Day, do we?"

He gave me a crooked grin. I started to giggle and, after a moment, laugh loud enough that the person in the next room banged on the wall. "No," I finally managed. "I think Hob is on his own for the holidays." I shook my head. "You know what he said? He told me I was no better than a common whore! And then he called you…" I made a face. "I'm not even repeating it. So forget him. He's nothing to me."

"He called you what?" Anders said, sitting up straight.

"Calm down," I sighed. "You'd be proud; my response left his jaw in the dirt." Anders raised an eyebrow. "I pointed out that whores demand money."

Anders snickered before elbowing me. "You're a bad, bad woman. And really, I don't much care if some ignorant old man called me a half-breed or whatever charming term he might have used. He wasn't the first, and I doubt he'll be the last." I guess it would be the obvious easy insult for Hob to use. It was just one of those terms I felt wrong even speaking out loud. The words just seemed so dirty. "I think it's jealousy. I'm as tall as any human… really, taller than most. But I'd like to think the elven blood is what makes me so much better looking than most of them. I mean, really, your cousin couldn't take her eyes off me and I'm almost old enough to be her father!"

"Almost?" I said, laughing as he preened. "She's not even twenty. You are old enough to be her father. Your trail of conquests began at least a year before she was born."

"Not even twenty?" he said, wincing. I nodded. "Um, at least a year, then. Ouch." Anders shook his head. "And thank you so much, I feel like I need a cane now!"

"Well, you are starting to go a little grey," I said.

His eyes narrowed. "I am not!" Coloring slightly he added "I've been checking."

"Really?" I said, eyebrows raised. "You haven't noticed at all?"

"No, I haven't," he said, running a hand through his hair.

"So when you started growing a beard, went on and on about how good you were going to look with said beard, and shaved it off days later… that had nothing to do with a good chunk of that beard being white as snow?"

"I hate you."

"You do not, you adore me. And I liked the beard."

"You did?"

"Sure," I said. "It did look fantastic on you. Very… distinguished."

Anders spun to glare at me. "Why did I marry you?"

"Last week you claimed it was because of that thing I do with my tongue," I said, smirking.

"Did I?" he said, pulling me towards him again. "Could be. It is part of your legend, after all."

"Huh?"

Anders chuckled and I almost winced knowing something sure to embarrass me was on its way. "I never did tell you, did I… the men's dorm graffiti in the tower. I always wondered who Maggie was, and how I'd managed to live in that tower and not find her."

"You're making this up," I said.

"Now what kind of man would invent a story about dorm room graffiti attesting to some of his wife's more colorful abilities?"

"You?"

"Probably," he laughed. "But I assure you, it did indeed proclaim your ability to, um, remove the enchantment a staff in a most unique fashion. With several comments of agreement added to the bottom. For years I wondered who that no doubt remarkable woman was. Especially when they had one of the tranquil paint over it and someone rewrote it a week later."

"What are you talking about? I'm horrid at removing enchantments."

He sighed. "The exact wording was 'Maggie could suck the enchantment off a staff.' I was trying to be gentlemanly."

I stared up at him for a moment before bursting into laughter. "I can't say I've ever tried to do that," I eventually managed, still snickering. I probably would have been embarrassed if Anders wasn't so clearly amused by the whole thing. "Well, not literally, at least. Wonder who wrote it."

"No idea who wrote it," he said. "I think you'd be rather successful if you tried, though," Anders added with a laugh.

"Should I do that instead next time?" I said, laughing.

"No, no," he said. "I don't think that's at all necessary. I'm rather fond of your current technique."

We made good time getting home, despite several troubles along the way. Anders and I were attacked by darkspawn twice, which was no surprise. They were drawn to Wardens, sometimes from a great distance. A normal person on the same road would probably have been fine. I couldn't really complain about that, though. Fighting them was our job, and it was better for us to be attacked than someone who might not be able to fight them, or wouldn't be immune to their corruption.

At another questionable inn near the border of Highever and Amaranthine we woke to barking and screaming in the middle of the night. Anders jumped out of bed before I could. "Idiot!" he shouted, in the light from the fireplace I could see him hauling someone from the floor of our room to his feet. Not far away was a small sack. I opened it to find two cheap cuts of mutton and two collars with leashes.

"Andraste's ass," I muttered, wrapping a sheet around myself. "Were you planning to steal our dogs?" I sighed. A mabari was valuable; they cost more than some people might make in a dozen years. But really, only an abject moron would think a mabari would simply allow itself to be taken from the person he had bonded to.

"No!" the intruder said quickly. I recognized him vaguely as a man who had been eating in the common room at the same time as us.

"You know, this isn't the best time for obvious lies," Anders said.

"Yeah?" the man said. "Last I checked I'm armed and you're both naked!" With that he snapped his wrist, releasing a hidden dagger.

I froze his arm before he could strike. "I'm always armed," I said. Anders grabbed the man and turned him around so I could dress quickly. I didn't even bother with the belt or caplet, just pulling on the blue shift that made up the base of my Warden robes. As he quickly did the same I kept daggers aimed at our guest. Anders was pulling his hair out from under the collar of his robes when the door to our room slammed open.

I wasn't entirely sure what happened next. All I knew was Anders was shouting at me to stop before he told someone to hold on while he hauled me across the room. "You're all right," he said to me. "Watch him." With that he bolted from the room, closing the door. The man who had planned on stealing our dogs was backed into a corner, a look of terror on his face.

"I… I didn't mean any harm," he stuttered. "I just figured if you could afford two you could get two more, it wouldn't be no loss. Please don't kill me."

"I'm not going to kill you," I said, "but you are going to jail."

"That's fine!"

I sat on a chair, keeping an eye on him the entire time. Wiping my hair back from my face I blinked, eyes stinging. "What…?" I glanced down, my hands were covered in blood.

Anders returned a moment later, followed by an older templar, carrying his helm. The man gave me a very brief salute before announcing he would be bringing our intruder in to the local guards for us. When the two had left Anders locked the door, placing a chair under the knob. "Are you all right?" he asked, leading me to the bed.

"Fine," I said. "But… whose blood is this?"

He sighed, grabbing a rag and dampening it in the washbasin. "The templar," Anders began, wiping off my hands. "He was in the room next door. When he sensed destruction magic being used he rushed over here."

"What?" I stared at him, horrified. "Anders, what did I do?"

"He grabbed you and you attacked him," he said. "You were… screaming."

"Oh Maker," I gasped.

Anders set the rag aside and pulled the blankets up, wrapping his arms around me. "It's all right," he said. "No permanent damage. I got him all fixed up and apologized. I was trying to figure out how to explain it and he guessed pretty close to the truth on his own based on what you were shouting." Anders brushed my hair back. "He's not thrilled, but he understands. He shouldn't have barged in here anyways, really. If he'd done that when we just lit the fireplace or heated some water one of us might have killed him immediately, and there are plenty of mages out on their own these days with full Circle permission."

"Even so," I said, shuddering in horror. "I… I don't even remember." Anders gave me a sympathetic glance, wiping my cheek. "It's like I'm an animal or something. I just attacked someone without warning?"

He sat up. "Technically you attacked a templar who grabbed you. You didn't lunge at a random person on the street. I'm not going to lie, you overreacted. Really overreacted, and if I hadn't been here he probably wouldn't have survived. But even…"he paused before going on, "even before, you wouldn't have just stood there and let someone try and restrain you without retaliating."

I shook my head. "No. I wasn't even thinking. I just acted. I could have killed him and I wasn't even aware of what I was doing!" Anders tried to reassure me but really, what could he say? Without thinking I had nearly managed to kill someone. I buried my face against him, sobbing.

I didn't even remember falling asleep, but when I woke Anders was still holding tightly onto me, breathing softly. He slowly opened his eyes as I stirred. "Feeling better?" he asked quietly.

I shrugged. "I wish I could apologize. I feel horrible."

Anders sat up, stretching. "His name is Ser Tomas, he's on his way to a posting at the Lothering chantry." I looked over at him. "I asked," Anders said. "I knew you'd say something like that once you were back in your right mind."

I dropped a note to Lothering, as sincere an apology as I could write, before we left. I didn't think it would be enough but not sure what else I could do.

Things were surprisingly calm for months. We chased down reports of darkspawn, slowly staffed the Peak, and continued about the everyday business of being Wardens without any long-lost relations, international incidents, or national emergencies to disturb us. Nathaniel and I were sitting quietly in the office, him going though paperwork as I worked out a training roster, one afternoon when he passed me letter from Gerard in the Free Marches.

"Maker's breath," I groaned, reading it and flopping further back into my desk chair.

Brothers and Sisters,
We have been experiencing additional difficulties with the Chantry as of late in our recruitment efforts. This could not come at a worse time, as we are also facing a similar darkspawn threat to the one you encountered: sightings of hurlocks with the power of speech have been reported all over the coastlands. If you could see fit to reassigning some of your mages, or recruiting new mages for us, we would be in your debt. Healers are in particular demand, but all mages would be most welcome.
In Vigilance,
Gerard, Commander of the Grey, Free Marches

"So what are your thoughts?" Nathaniel asked.

"I wish we knew how many he needed," I mused. Nathaniel shrugged.

In the end I gathered all the mages together and explained the situation. Two elected to go immediately, both former apostates. When I made the same proposal at the Peak not even two weeks later three more joined their group.

"Give this to the commander when you arrive," I said, handing a letter to one of them. It asked Gerard how many mages he needed in total, since I would go to the Ferelden Circle for him if necessary. I also wanted to determine if he wanted us to perform the joining, or if he would prefer they join after arriving.

"It's been an honor, Commander," she said, saluting me. I returned the gesture and waved as the five mages boarded their ship. It would take them directly to the port at Ostwick where they would be met by the Wardens.

Another month passed when yet another letter arrived, this time from Augustus in the Imperium. Nathaniel had opened it first; he stared at it blankly before dubbing it 'mage-speak' and passing it on to me.

"What, don't tell me he needs mages, too," Nathaniel quipped.

"No," I said. "Although he wants to know if we've got any idea what's going on, since Nevarra and Antiva have both been begging him for mages."

"Here's a question," Nathaniel said. "Why do they all need so many mages? I didn't think the other nations recruited nearly as many people as we do. The impression I got was that they only need to replace people lost to the Calling, they're not building from scratch like us."

"That is a fantastic question," I said. "Augustus mentioned something very similar." Actually, Augustus had said 'what in the Maker's name are they doing to all their mages that they suddenly need so many, eating them for breakfast?' I thought about that for a moment before grinning.

"What's your idea?" Nathaniel said, reading the expression on my face.

"Gerard needs more mages," I told him. "I was going to go to the Circle and recruit for him next month."

"You're not going to?"

I grinned. "Oh, I am. And he's going with me. We can get some answers in person, hopefully."

"How will you manage that?"

"Dear Gerard, as you will be their commander I think it would be a wise idea for you to join me in my trip to the Ferelden Circle of Magi and for the subsequent Joining. Please let me know when you will arrive in Ferelden and I will be sure to meet you personally at the port of Amaranthine." I raised an eyebrow and Nathaniel shook his head, grinning.

"Good plan," he said. I quickly wrote the letter and sealed it, Varel would have it posted for me tomorrow.

We discussed the situation over dinner that night. "I wonder," Jowan said between bites. "Why isn't Orlais asking for mages?"

"Twitchy's got a point," Oghren said after wiping his mouth with his beard. "You'd think the Chantry would have them on lockdown."

"Alain's pretty clever," Anders said. "I wouldn't be surprised if he managed to get around them."

"Maybe," I said. "Or he doesn't want to risk bringing in more mages, if something is happening…" I sighed, pushing my food around on my plate. "I would hope that if mages were in danger Gerard would tell me before I sent our people to him."

"What you hope and what actually happens are rarely the same thing," Nathaniel said.

He had a good point there. I suppose there was nothing left to do but wait for Gerard.