Everybody is Sorry

[solitae]

Title: Everybody is Sorry
Characters: Cullen, f!mageHawke (Lilian)
Rating: M (language)
Word Count: 1500
Summary: Here, Cullen pays a visit to Lilian after All that Remains. Always a cheerful time.

Note: Thank you to sagacious_rage for helping me clean this up.

Everybody is Sorry

"Kn-Knight-Captain," the older dwarf's eyes were as round as two silvers, "Messere Hawke is in-indisposed." Bodahn tried to look around him outside the door, as if he was expecting a whole contingent of templars on Cullen's heels. "Please come back another day."

"I wish to offer her my condolences in person, Bodahn. I have a message from Ser Carver as well."

"I understand, Messere," the dwarf continued obsequiously. "I can take the message for her and tell her you came by. I'm certain she appreciates your concern."

Cullen fixed a sharp look on the dwarf, and Bodahn cringed visibly. "Please, Messere..."

"A few moments of her time, that's all I ask."

"But she is..."

"Grieving. As I well know. I have no intention of causing her more difficulty." His face softened. "I assure you, Bodahn. Just ...ask if she will see me."

The dwarf appraised him for a long moment before finally nodding.

Cullen followed him in, waiting in the front room as Bodahn opened the library door. "M'lady, I'm sorry. The Knight-Captain is here. I tried to tell him you were unwell, but he insis-"

"The Kniiiiiight-Captain!" She slurred loudly with a little giggle. "Here to see me? Well, don't keep him waiting, Bodahn!"

The dwarf nodded him into the room, and Cullen's eyes nearly watered. The stench of alcohol was thick in the air, courtesy of a few shattered bottles against the wall and another in Lilian's hand. She sprawled in the chair in front of the fireplace, wiggling her fingers at him. "Bodahn, bring a glass for the Knight-Captain, please!"

"Thank you, Hawke, but I don't-"

"You want to drink from the bottle instead?" she grinned at him, her eyes overly bright. "Fine by me! I'll share-"

"No, I don't wa-"

Hawke waved dismissively at Bodahn, cutting Cullen off. "He doesn't want anything, and he won't drink with me. Go back to ..." she drifted off mid-sentence, staring at the fire.

Bodahn fixed a brief glare on Cullen before leaving the room shaking his head.

"Sit, Kniiiiiight-Captain!" Lilian invited him, scooting over and patting her own chair.

"I'm fine over here, Hawke." Cullen carefully sat in the chair opposite her.

She pouted and took another pull from her bottle. "You're no fun."

"And you're drunk," he pointed out.

"I..." Lilian confirmed with a grin, "am very drunk. You should be drunk too. You'd be more fun if you were drunk."

"You ought not drink alone, Hawke. It's not-"

"Well, I'm not alone now, am I?" Her head lolled, and she leered at him. "I have you for company."

He felt heat rise in his ears, and she giggled again. Glancing up did not improve matters as he caught sight of Lilian eyeing him as she licked a drop of brandy from her lips. "I...ah...Hawke...I fear I ...am poor company. I only wish-"

He swallowed, staring at her as she slunk from her chair. She wobbled over to him, brandy in hand, and plopped into his lap.

"Hawke..." He tried to slide her off, but she squirmed closer.

Somehow, she managed to get an arm around his neck and tipped the bottle against his mouth. "Just one little drink," she cooed, nuzzling his cheek, "so I'm not drinking alone. Please."

It was drink or wear the brandy, so he took a quick swallow and coughed as he pushed it away. "Hawke, mo-" He froze. Her fingers were playing over his chin, and she wore a predatory smile that set the hair on the back of his neck on end.

"A waste of good brandy," she purred, staring at him with glazed eyes.

"You've already wasted some," he protested and leaned back in his chair.

She just grinned, licking the brandy off her finger. "Doesn't mean I should waste more."

He glared, painfully aware that his red cheeks did little to support the threat in his eyes. Her smirk only confirmed it. Grimacing, Cullen pushed just as she lunged for him. With a little growl, she pressed her lips hard against his. His eyes shot wide, and he shoved her from his lap as he stood. "Hawke!"

She landed on the floor with a grunt and stared up at him. "What's wrong, Cullen?" Her tongue flicked over her lips again. "Do I need to have Sandal enchant your sword of mercy?"

He scowled down at her and crossed his arms. "Maker's breath, Hawke, how much have you-"

Her eyes narrowed and her grin died as she took a defiant swig. "Not nearly enough," she snapped. "What do you want?"

Cullen swallowed at her sudden anger and held out a folded piece of parchment. "Carver asked me to-"

Lilian snatched it from his hand and glared at the seal. "Sod Carver. Couldn't come himself, could he?" She tossed it aside, glowering up at Cullen.

"He didn't think you would want-"

"I don't. Sod. him." She downed another mouthful of brandy as she pulled her legs up to her chest, staring into space.

With a sigh, Cullen crouched in front of her and splayed his hands. "Hawke, I'm so sorry. If there's anything I can-"

"Can do?" she spat at him suddenly. "You can go to the sodding Void, Cullen! That's what you can do!"

He rocked back on his heels, staring at her. "Haw-"

She didn't even hear him, and fury glittered in her eyes. "Where the bloody hell were you when this happened, Cullen? Out chasing people trying to live their lives?" She'd stopped drinking. Her knuckles were white around the neck of the bottle.

She went on shrilly, "Maybe...just maybe if the Maker-forsaken templars could tell the difference between a normal mage and the insane-blood-mage-that-cuts-people-up kind, this wouldn't have sodding happened!"

"Hawke, I'm sor-"

"You're sorry! Aveline's sorry! Everybody is fucking sorry! But you know what, Cullen?" Her voice hitched, and she stared up at him.

He didn't want to ask, but the word passed his lips before he could stop it. "What?"

"No one else did a sodding thing about it. Not you with your bloody templars, not Aveline with her sodding guards. I told you!" He flinched as she flung the bottle at him. "I told all of you about the bloody bones, about seeing someone. About DuPuis and his blood magic! And only Emeric gave a damn." She looked around for her bottle, scowling at the shards on the floor. "And now he's dead too." A small sound somewhere between a hiccup and a sob shook her. "So sod you too."

There was little Cullen could do other than stare at the carpet guiltily. His shoulders slumped as he bowed his head, his hands clasped behind his back. She was right. This was the type of mage he should have caught. This was the type of mage that templars were meant to guard against. This was why mages were locked up. And they had done nothing.

Silence hung between them with only the occasional sharp crack of the fire to fill it.

He barely realized his hand was sliding toward his belt pouch until Lilian broke in quietly. "So...that's how you're going to deal with this?" The accusation in her voice was faint but there, and he blinked.

Cullen balled his hand into a fist and stared at her. "Is it so different from how you-"

"Yes," she whispered, her head tilted up, her glazed eyes attempting to fix on him. "And you know it."

He dropped his hand with a sigh and shook his head. "No."

Lilian nodded slowly and hugged her legs against her chest. "Thanks." Cullen's brow lifted slightly, and she managed a weak smile. "Go." With that, she turned back to the fire, curling in on herself again.

Cullen hesitated. "Is there anything-"

"No."

"Good night, Hawke."

She just nodded, and he watched her head bend over her knees, her pigtails wobbling. He resisted the urge to comfort her and left, taking a very long route back to the Gallows.