Fanfic--The Moment of Truth

[kelcat]

Title: The Moment of Truth
Characters: Nathaniel, Anders
Rating: T *hides face in shame*
Word Count: ~1900
Summary: An interlude in the Secret Desires series: An unexpected announcement leads Nathaniel to examine his feelings as an important decision is finally made.

Nathaniel slowly emerged from his nightmare, his body trembling and covered with sweat. He briefly wondered what it was that had woken him when he noticed the shadowy form sitting on the edge of his bed. He sat up, poised to lash out, when he noticed the tangy scent of earthroot wafting through the air, telling him it was Anders who was on his bed.

"Andraste's ass, Mage," he cursed. "How many times do I have to tell you not to sneak into my room? Make some noise at least." He lay back on the bed, hoping that Anders hadn't noticed him shaking.

"Sorry, I—I forgot." The uncertainty in the mage's voice caused Nate to sit up again and take a closer look at the other man. He was biting at his lower lip, a sure sign of nervousness, and his brow was creased with worry.

Stifling any thoughts of concern, Nate raised an eyebrow. "Something wrong?" He noticed that Anders' position on the edge of the bed had caused his sleep shirt to get hiked up. Nate reached out and ran his hand along the inside of the mage's thigh.

Anders gasped at the touch. "I need to talk to you." The words came out in a rush.

Nate ran his hand further up Anders' thigh before grasping his waist and pulling him all the way onto the bed. He immediately covered the mage's body with his own, kissing him fervently. Long moments later, he finally broke the kiss and smirked down at Anders. "So talk." He proceeded to lean down and nip hard at Anders' neck, grateful as always that Anders specialized in Spirit Healing—it meant that Nate could make as many marks on the other man's body as he wanted to, and not have to worry about them being discovered.

He smiled to himself when he heard Anders let out a low groan. "Nate…" The mage tangled his fingers in Nate's loose hair as he bucked his hips upward. Anders was breathing hard as Nate continued to suck and bite at his neck. "Nate…" he groaned again, "Solona's leaving…"

That got Nate's attention. "Mmm?" He ran his hand along Anders' thigh again, this time with the intent of pulling his sleep shirt off completely. "Another trip to Denerim?" Immediately, he started planning the many things that he and Anders could do while the Commander was gone.

Anders grasped Nate's wrist, trying to stop his motions. "She's leaving for good."

Surprised, Nate picked his head up and looked down at the other man laying beneath him. "Are you sure?" Perhaps Anders had just misunderstood.

Anders nodded his head as he looked up at Nate. "She told me tonight. She…" he hesitated, a look of uncertainty on his face, "she asked me to go with her."

Nate froze completely. "Did she now." His voice was carefully neutral.

"She said she's tired of staying in one place," Anders explained. "We mages spend our whole lives locked up in the Circle Tower like prisoners, never allowed to leave. I think the Keep is starting to feel like another Tower to her. She wants to travel, see the rest of Thedas."

"And she wants you to go with her." Nate sat back on his haunches. "What did you tell her?"

Anders sat up and scooted backward until his back was leaning against the headboard. "That I needed to think about it." He chuckled weakly. "She wasn't very happy about that."

Nathaniel felt a short surge of relief, and silently cursed himself for it. What did it matter if Anders left with Solona? There was certainly no lack of bed partners for Nate to enjoy here at the Keep, the mage could easily be replaced.

But the words rang hollow in his mind, he knew the truth, even if he didn't care to admit it: he had become attached to Anders.

"So, what are you going to tell her?"

Anders seemed to be studying the ceiling. "I don't know," he said quietly.

Nate shrugged, trying to appear casual. "It seems like an easy enough decision, Mage. Either you stay or you go."

Anders eyes flicked toward him before moving away once again. "It's not that easy." His brow creased. "I love Solona. That might sound ridiculous given what I'm doing to her, but it's the truth. But I think...I think the main reason why I'm with her is because it's safe, it's familiar." He let out a sigh of frustration. "We're both mages, we both lived in the Tower. We're alike, and we get along well. But I don't know if that's enough anymore."

Nathaniel kept silent; he had a feeling this was something that Anders had been wanting to say for a long time. And he had an even deeper feeling that this was the first time the mage was acknowledging that being with Solona might not be right—not just the first time he was acknowledging it to Nate, but the first time he was acknowledging it to himself.

After a long pause, Anders continued. "If I go with her, I might be happy. I might not be content, and it might not feel right, but I could be happy. And I don't know..." he paused, "I'm not sure…if there's anything here for me, at the Keep." He finally met Nate's eyes, though he had a wary look about him.

Now it was Nate who couldn't meet Anders' eyes. "It's not my decision to make, Mage."

Anders took a deep breath. "I need to know, Nate: is there anything here worth staying for?"

Nathaniel was getting irritated—he didn't want to have this conversation, he didn't want to admit to the mage that he had formed an attachment to him. "There might be," he grudgingly conceded.

"'Might be'," Anders echoed his words, his tone thoughtful.

Nate scowled, his patience wearing thin. "What do you want, Anders? Do you want me to tell you what you should do?"

Anders' face crumpled, and Nate suddenly realized that that was exactly what the mage wanted—what he needed. This was a turning point, Nate knew. Anders had already made his decision, but he was too afraid to voice it. Even after months of Nate's patient work, Anders was still riddled with doubt and shame. It had been reduced, certainly, but not gone completely—no matter what Anders might think.

Anders began to climb off of the bed. "I shouldn't have come here. I shouldn't have bothered you."

Nate grabbed hold of the mage's arm, pulling him back onto the bed. "I didn't tell you that you could leave," his voice held that tone of authority, the one Anders knew not to ignore. Anders sat back down on the bed, a questioning look on his face. Nate stared at him for a long moment before coming to a decision. "And I certainly didn't tell you that you could leave Vigil's Keep."

His expression grew harder, his voice more commanding. "You're mine, Anders,and if you think I'm going to just let you leave, you are sadly mistaken."

For a brief, brief moment, a look of relief passed across Anders' face. It was barely noticeable, but Nate had been trained to notice such things.

"And what if I think it would be better for me to leave?" Anders asked cautiously.

"You asked me if there was anything for you to stay for. You want me to make this decision, and so I am. If you can't accept it, you shouldn't have come to my room.

"You are mine," he repeated forcefully, "that will not change, whether Solona is here or not."

Now the relief on Anders' face was clearly evident. He nodded slowly, his eyes never leaving Nate. "Alright," he said quietly, "I understand."

Nate nodded. "Good. You'll need to tell Solona."

A look of panic crossed the mage's face. "What do I tell her?"

Nate scowled at him. "I don't give a fuck what you tell her. Just make sure you do it." He thought for a moment. "Don't tell her about me, though. I've no interest in letting other people know about us." Not yet anyway, he added to himself.

He ignored the look of disappointment that passed across the mage's face—he knew Anders' hurt feelings would pass. They both knew things would be much easier for everyone if Solona left without ever knowing that her lover had been unfaithful to her. Not that Nate particularly cared about Solona's feelings, but he had a strong suspicion that she would be inclined to name him as her successor, and he didn't want to fuck that up. And he knew it would hurt Anders, but he ignored that treacherous thought.

Nate let out a tired sigh. He reached out for Anders, cupping the back of the mage's head as he pulled him in for what might almost be considered a tender kiss. When they were both desperate for breath, he pulled away.

"Go back to bed, Mage," he said, not unkindly. "You can tell Solona in the morning." He had a sudden thought. "When is she planning on leaving?"

"In a week or so, I think." Anders let out a quiet chuckle. "You know how she is: once she makes up her mind to do something, she wants to get it done as soon as possible."

Nate nodded. He didn't relish the idea of a week's worth of awkwardness between Anders and Solona, but he wanted the other man to tell her as soon as possible—just in case he lost his nerve. There was a vast difference between what Anders wanted, and what he thought he should want. Nate just needed to be patient if he wanted the walls that Anders had built around himself to be broken down completely.

Anders again moved to get up from the bed, and this time Nate didn't stop him. Nate listened to the quiet padding of the mage's feet as he laid back down and pulled the covers around himself. He had actually started to drift back to sleep when Anders spoke.

"Thank you, Nate." The words were barely above a whisper, but Nathaniel heard them all the same. As the door clicked shut, Nate found himself wondering if he had done the right thing."