Apostates of Amaranthine chapter 103

[amhran_comhrac]

Title: Apostates of Amaranthine: Chapter 103 "You literally can't even spell the word"
Characters: Anders/f!Amell (Maggie)
Rating: M/AO (this chapter T)
Word Count: around 2400
Summary: Unlikely hero Maggie Amell attempts to rebuild the Grey Wardens and deal with continuing threats from the darkspawn, while trying to fit into a world that's a far cry from the tower. All this while the Chantry seems to wait around every corner, eager to remind her and Anders just what they think of mages who manage to escape Circle control.
In this chapter: Sad goodbyes

I'm not dead! (See, I said I wasn't!). Finally mostly settled into my new apartment. At least enough where I can justify sitting down to write instead of thinking "ack, I need to make curtains still!" or whatever. I've had a ton of personal chaos the last few months, but I'm finally back! I'm so sorry for making everyone wait this long!

---

Nathaniel raced out to meet us near the Keep's gate. "Zevran beat you here," he said, helping us with our bags before shouting for a stablehand. "You just missed him. So… war again, then?"

"Again… still…" I shrugged. "I can't decide which. Still, I think. I'm always fighting one war or another." Glancing around, I winced. "And the war I'm abandoning for this one never ends."

"Exactly," Nathaniel said, understanding my meaning but not the emotion behind my words. "The darkspawn will still be here if-" he cut himself off, clearing his throat, "when you come back."

"Right," I sighed. "You good to handle things here?" I laughed before he could respond. "Maker, you're better at that than I am. I just hate leaving it all on you."

Nathaniel waved his hand dismissively. "That's my job. I like having something to do, and this is certainly something to do." We passed through the main hall, going straight to our joint office. "What will you tell the First?"

"I have no idea," I admitted. "I guess… that I'm taking a personal leave of absence?" Sitting down, I waited for the maid serving us tea to depart. "It is in our best interest," I said once we were alone. "The Wardens need mages. All Wardens need mages. The Chantry has made it very difficult for us to get and keep them for years…"

"Probably forever," he said with a nod. "But, if we don't succeed…" Nathaniel leaned back, stroking his salt and pepper goatee. "If we don't succeed, this could paint the Wardens in a very bad light all over Thedas."

"I know," I agreed. "That's why I'm taking a formal leave. That way they have plenty of proof I wasn't acting as a Grey Warden. I won't be Warden Commander. The order can write me off as a crackpot or whatever, some lunatic fighting her personal crusade."

"You're the most famous Grey Warden alive today," he countered. "Leave or no, people will always remember you as a Warden." He sipped his tea, looking thoughtful. "Strange as it sounds, I'd almost be a better choice for this… people will always remember me as a Howe. I'll never really get out from under that shadow. The Wardens will be secondary in any legacy I leave behind."

"Being a Howe isn't such a bad thing," I said. "Your sister and her son are well respected. Aren't they?"

"Yes," he admitted. "But it's despite what my father did. And it will be for as long as I'm alive, and maybe longer still. My sister is a good woman, and in the same breath anyone says that, they contrast her to our father. My nephew is growing into a strong, honest man… and whenever people comment on it, they can't help but add how good a change it is from the boy's grandfather." He shrugged. "No changing it. I'm personally just glad we're not seen as monsters by association. Being seen as good, despite his actions, is certainly better than having people suspect we're no better." Nathaniel looked sad. "I just wish I was here. What he did… that wasn't him. Sure, he was never the kind of father to tell jokes, but he wasn't evil."

I tried not to sigh. Nathaniel always became melancholy… well, more melancholy when his father came up in conversation. I'd heard just enough of the stories from his childhood to think Rendon Howe was a lunatic from birth to death, and his actions were less horrific before the blight began only because he didn't think he would get away with such things. Telling one of my best friends his father was probably always a lunatic and killer in his heart wasn't exactly the best plan, though. "You know," I mused, remembering a conversation I'd had with Anders once, "I can't help but wonder if something was physically wrong with him. In his head." Nathaniel looked up at me, curious. "Anders once had a patient who suddenly started acting different. A friendly old enchanter suddenly became sarcastic, crude, and mean to everyone. It turns out there was this…thing growing in her head. Once that was taken care of, she was back to normal. Maybe your father had something like that."

"Maybe," Nathaniel said with a shrug. "He was doing a bit more than telling crude stories and being mean, though."

"Yeah," I agreed with a sigh. "Here, how does this sound?" I passed him a piece of paper. While we talked I had been writing out my letter to Weisshaupt. I had, in reality, been writing it since leaving Ferelden. This was merely putting it to paper.

First Warden Etzel-

Since I don't know how to phrase this with grace and delacacy, it seems reasonable to get straight to the point: I require a leave of absence from my position as Warden Commander of Ferelden, and from the Grey Wardens. My nation and king need me, and I can't refuse. While I believe my actions will be to the benefit of the Grey Wardens in the long term, both here in Ferelden and throughout Thedas, I know I could never command an army while still holding the title of a Warden without compromising our political neutrality.

Should the Maker smile on me once again, and allow me to return home, I will happily resume my duties among the order. But, if you feel my actions now would permanently damage my ability to command the Grey I will understand. It would break my heart, but in that case I would retire to Denerim to live as a private citizen within the royal palace until it is time for me to go underground for my last battle.

"You've got this all planned out," Nathaniel said, passing it back to me after making a few corrections. "I have to admit, it's difficult not to laugh knowing you literally can't even spell the word delicacy."

I stuck my tongue out at him. "Yeah, yeah. Sorry, I was busy mastering control over the very elements themselves when everyone else was practicing their spelling."

"You use that excuse for everything," he said, still smirking. "Anders can spell. Jowan can spell. Aidan can spell. It's just you who writes things looking like you've grasped the pen in your teeth and picked letters from a hat."

"I hate you," I sneered.

"You're a lousy liar, Maggie," he said, laughing out loud now.

I made a chattering gesture at him. "Watch yourself, Howe. Don't make me run into battle screaming 'Grey Wardens Forever!' just to cause you trouble."

"You think that won't cause you just as much trouble once this is over?"

I was quiet for a moment. "I… don't expect to come back," I said quietly.

He snorted. "Maggie, after everything that hasn't killed you, I suspect that you're practically immortal at this point."

"I'm a mage," I said, "going against an army of templars. What do you think will happen? They'll smite me, I'll try to keep going, and end up collapsing."

"So… why are you doing this, then?" he said after considering it for a moment. "You and Anders are both mages, if you suspect that's what will happen…"

"Alistair needs us," I said. "Well, he needs me, but I need Anders. You know I get too worried to function when I don't know where he is."

He nodded. "You know, if anyone else was in charge they would never tolerate the two of you—"

"But no one else is in charge," I said quickly. "The benefit of being the boss is that if I want to keep my husband with me, I can. I figure I've earned it after all I've done for the Wardens." Nathaniel didn't seem to have an argument to that.

"When are you leaving?" he asked after a moment.

"Couple days," I said. "I want to rest up a bit, and say goodbye to everyone. But we don't have a lot of time to spare. The Chantry hopes they can take us by surprise. We won't let that happen."

"Not much surprise if the borders are closed," he said.

I shrugged. "I guess it isn't that unusual when we have internal issues. They can think we've closed the borders because of the princes. Because we're being, um… preemptive."

I spent the next several days with my closest friends. Nathaniel and I talked, in a forced casual fashion, about our hopes and dreams for the order. He didn't say it, but I knew he was planning on how to proceed if I didn't return.

"One thing," I said over dinner the night before we left.

"What's that?" he asked.

"If you build any statues of me I will haunt you forever." Looking at me in surprise, Nathaniel laughed after a moment.

"I think Ferelden has more than enough statues of you sitting around, don't you? I suspect no one's had their likeness carved as often since Calenhad!"

"Exactly," I said. "And I'm no Calenhad."

"Maker knows no one would argue that!" We both laughed, along with everyone else in the room.

"Why you doing this, Mags?" Oghren said after a moment. "You're acting like a woman walking to her death. You don't have to fight Ferelden's battles." I opened my mouth and he waved his hand, "and if you tell me it's because Alistair needs you I'll smack you upside the head. We both know he can lead the army as well as you."

I was silent for a moment. "I have to," I said finally. "I… this is my fault. Maybe not all of it, and yeah, the boys were the final straw. But we all know I'm a big part of why the Chantry hates Ferelden right now. I can't make other people die for my cause and sit at home."

"The darkspawn are your cause," he countered.

"What, I can't have two causes?" I said. "You know I've always stretched how neutral we are to make a point. Wardens used to have only one mage at a time. I broke that one my first day as Commander."

"And thank you for that," Anders said, squeezing my arm.

Oghren turned his attention to him. "And you," he said, pointing a finger. "Bring her back alive." After a pause he shrugged. "And yourself, too, while you're at it."

The next morning all the Wardens decided to assemble. Word had spread quickly- most of the Peak's garrison was crammed into our main hall along with the normal residents.

"Wow," I mumbled, looking out at the crowd. There were more than two hundred people shoved into the room, and there hadn't been time for anyone from the further outposts to join us. "There's a lot of us now…" Everyone chuckled and I shook my head, trying to focus. "So…" I began, wishing I'd prepared something in advance. "I'm sure you know this already, but I'll be leaving. Today." I realized how silly that sounded and blushed. Obviously they knew, why else would everyone have shown up to see me off? "It isn't a decision I made easily," I said. "The Wardens have been my home for just about half of my life at this point. They're more of a family than I ever dreamed possible. But… right now, Ferelden needs me more." Wringing my hands, I went on. "When I joined, there were barely more than a dozen of us. Most didn't make it out of Ostagar. When I became commander I was the only active Warden in the nation. I'm sure you all know the stories. To see us now… just seeing all of you… I'm so so amazed by what we've built together. From nothing we've become a force to be reckoned with. We've saved countless lives and pushed the darkspawn back, both here and in Orzammar. We've shared our skills with brothers and sisters everywhere. From nothing, we've managed to become one of the most respected branches in the order." There were cheers and claps to that.

Glancing around, I was amazed to see how many of the people I had recruited in the crowd. It wasn't until I saw everyone together that I realized how many there were. "I'm not the Grey Wardens," I said. "I'm nothing on my own. We are the Grey Wardens, and none of this could have happened without all of you. And if…" I paused, wiping my face when I realized I was crying. "If I don't come back… I want everyone to know how very, very proud I am of everything we've built together."

Saluting, I was surprised to see the crowd part. Everyone stood at attention as I walked out, followed by Anders and Nathaniel. I had been embarrassed by the tears pouring freely down my cheeks until I glanced around and realized I wasn't the only one.

---

Shorter than I'd like usually, but when you find a good place to stop, you don't argue. Thanks so much to everyone who reads and reviews, and who patiently waited for me to get my life in order for so long.