Solace

[i_am_elenilote]

Title: Solace
Author:i_am_elenilote
Words: 2,621
Rating: NC17 - no smut, just angst and implied shenanigans off-screen
Characters: Fenris, Garrett Hawke
Summary: Fenris has a nightmare and decisions are made.

Fenris woke up with a start, his heart pounding and breath coming in fast, shallow gasps, his cheeks wet from tears.

Another nightmare - I thought I would be free of them with Danarius dead!

He shivered, chilled from more than just the cold and curled up tighter under the sheet in an effort to keep warm. He frowned, trying to remember what the nightmare was. It had involved Danarius, that much was obvious - all his nightmares revolved around the magister. Fenris closed his eyes and remembered.

 

Danarius. As he had been, less than a week ago when they had encountered him at the Hanged Man. His presence was menacing, threatening in the room, he taunted, challenged Garrett for Fenris’s ownership. Garrett, so naïve in the ways of the Magisters, always imagined others were as honourable as him.

 Not Danarius.

He attacked, giving Garrett and the others no time to prepare. A fight broke out and overwhelmed Fenris with wave upon wave of demons and abominations. He couldn’t see beyond the enemies which surrounded him.

Danarius’s manical cackle blocked out all else and his magic pulled at Fenris with a near-irresistible call. Then, the demons vanished all at once and silence permeated the room. Fenris stumbled to his feet and surveyed the bloodbath surrounding him.

Dead.

The dead lay everywhere, sprawled out in every direction. Varric and Sebastian – both motionless, their weapons fallen from their hands. In a panic, he spun around to find Garrett - bruised, bloody, and drained of magic - on his knees before Danarius, the Magister’s hand around his throat.. Danarius looked straight at Fenris, pure evil in his eyes. The Magister twisted his hand and with a sickening crack, Garrett slumped to the floor.

Words could not define the hopelessness that filled Fenris’s heart as he fell to his knees and screamed -

It was then when he woke up, his throat dry and raw and his heart pounding.

Of course, it did not happen like that - they took Danarius by surprise. Garrett had screamed his defiance at Danarius with such force it made Fenris pause in shock. With Sebastian and Varric’s deadly skills with their bows and Garrett’s unerring aim with his magic, Fenris proceeded to make quick work of his former Master and his minions.

Fenris had felt free. For the first time in his life, he did not need to be afraid. He had declined Garrett’s offer to stay the night at the Hawke mansion. Instead he’d chosen to spend the evening getting drunk on the last of the wine from Danarius’s wine cellar.

With a heavy sigh, Fenris sat up on the bed, wrapped the sheet tighter around himself and stood up. The stone floor felt cold under his bare feet, the layers of dust billowed around him as he made his way through to the landing outside his bedroom. It was dark outside, no moonlight shone through the broken windows of his bedroom but out here, on the landing, he could see a sliver of grey from the hole in the roof. All around, the shadows around him appeared etched out in sharp relief.

Garrett, dead because Fenris was unable to protect him. Fenris felt his heart constrict in his chest and his breath hitched at the thought. He gripped the railing tight with one hand without even noticing.

What had Garrett said, more than once?

“Why do you not fix the place up Fenris, at least a little? Why do you insist on living in a ruined mansion full of old bones and broken glass? And would you at least stay until the morning, please? Why do you never sleep here?”

He did not - could not - tell Garrett that the reason he did not clean the mansion was that if he did, it would become a burden. At least if he kept it as he found it, he could pretend it was not really his, that he could just take up and leave at a moment’s notice. As to why he did not stay until the morning... to stay awake was to be watchful - it meant the difference between being alive and being dead when you were a slave. Even when Garrett came to him, Fenris would stay awake while the other slept. He would sleep later, when Garrett was gone and the door locked behind him.

Fenris paused.

But I am no longer a slave. Danarius is dead, Garrett killed him. Why did he do it? I do not need him to protect me; I am the one who should be protecting him!

The sharp pain of a splinter dug into his palm shook Fenris from his recollections. He lifted his hand and looked aghast as the blood welled in the ugly gash on his palm.

“Garrett-”

Fenris stopped mid-sentence - he had forgotten for a moment that he was alone.

If I hadn’t insisted on going home tonight, Garrett would have been here, with that worried frown creasing his forehead. He would have insisted that I allow him to clean and bandage the wound at once, always mindful that I do not like magic used on me unless absolutely necessary. Then again, this would never have happened there since Bodahn keeps everything in such a pristine condition.

A sudden dizziness made him stagger and fall against the railing.

When was the last time he ate? Yesterday - no, two days ago now as he had declined Garrett’s kind offer for supper the night before. His pride had stopped him from accepting the gesture, as that would have meant admitting that he had not thought to buy any provisions at the market earlier.

Garrett is forever insisting that I eat more. But I do not want his pity, or his charity. I am a free man, I can provide for myself!

But then Fenris remembered the anxious tone of Garrett’s query last night. He thought back to all the other times the mage had insisted he stay for a meal, it had been more frequent since his mother died in that horrible incident with the deranged blood mage.

Why is his care and worrying so difficult for me to accept? I am quick to admonish him about his insecurities about my affections but when the situation is reversed I… I find it difficult to take.

Fenris felt off-balance and unsettled as he turned and shuffled his way back to the bedroom. Meanwhile, he toyed with an idea – drink more wine and hope that sleep found him, this time without nightmares. He stopped at the sight of his rickety little cot in the corner of the room.

He did not like asking Garrett to share his small bed. Of course, it did happen... sometimes, but more often than not they spent their nights in Garrett’s large four-poster bed. It was wide enough for three people to sleep in comfort and Fenris enjoyed the room it allowed for experimentation. He had been by no means experienced in the physical aspect of love and was hesitant to give in to his desire for Garrett. To his relief, Fenris found Garrett to be even more inexperienced in the way of things and their first night together had been wonderful beyond anything he had dreamt of.

But I almost ruined the whole thing then. I did not deserve him then. I am not certain that I do even now. Why did he take me back? What does Garrett see in me to make him want me? I have told him I will not leave him again, why does he not believe me?

Fenris sat down on his bed, pulled his knees up and wrapped the ragged sheet around him once more for a semblance of warmth. He did not like the direction his thoughts took him. There was something…lurking, just out of reach of his thoughts, some powerful insight that he was supposed to reach. But it he could not quite reach it - yet. He dug idly at the splinter embedded in his palm and after a while managed to pull it free. He tore a strip off the sheet on the bed and wrapped it around his hand to stem the blood.

Fenris dropped his head between his knees with an exhausted sigh. He had never imagined that freedom would bring with it so many new problems. He could not quite understand the feelings the dream had brought. Why was he so troubled? It was only a dream after all, it was not real.

And then it struck him: Just the thought of losing Garrett was terrifying!

I believe I would not be able to live without him. I…I do not wish to be apart from him yet I persist. What a fool I am!

Fenris stood up and pulled a shirt over his head. He debated for a moment whether or not to wear his armour - he was not sure if things would go as planned. With a resigned sigh, he fished around the room for the pieces of his armour and buckled it on. As he searched for his sword, he took a final look around him.

I have precious little to show for my existence. A suit of armour, a sword. Spare clothes and some cups for my wine - yet none of these I hold so dear that I wouldn’t leave each and everyone of them behind in a heartbeat.

Fenris stepped out onto the street, all of Hightown quiet as he made his way towards the Hawke estate. In the early hours before dawn, he was grateful for the silence - an elf living outside the alienage was enough of an oddity during the daytime that people commented as he passed by.

He passed through Hightown in short order and despite the nerves, his strides were steady. It was not long before he found himself standing outside the mansion. Its windows were dark and forbidding, only a single small lantern burned above the door - a concession to Garrett’s somewhat irrational fear of the dark. Fenris paused as he stared at the sturdy oak door, hesitant for a moment. He knew it was locked, but he had a key - Garrett had given him one long ago, though he rarely used it.

“I want you to be able to come and go as you please, this is as much your home as mine.”

Fenris could count on one hand the times before when he has let himself in, it always felt like trespassing. His hand shook a bit when unlocking the door and he felt his nerves taking over and almost backed off.

No. I have come this far, I will do this. I will NOT back away.

Fenris managed to open the door at last and stepped into the foyer. He relished in the texture of polished wood under his bare feet as he moved in silence through to the house proper. He paused by the great hearth in the hall where the fire burned low. He reached for the poker and stirred the embers to coax the flames back into life. Replacing the poker, he stood still for a moment, soaking in the warmth into his chilled bones.

With a satisfied sigh, Fenris turned and made his way up the main staircase, his hand tracing the smooth surface of the banister. The soft carpet underfoot was warm and the sensation helped to alleviate some of the nervousness he felt. Still, by the time he was standing outside the door to Garrett’s bedroom, his heart pounded in his chest and he found it difficult to breathe.

What if - ? No... I will not think of that. I want to do this right.

Careful to keep quiet in case Garrett was not asleep after all, Fenris opened the door and slipped into the room. Inside, it was dark and cool and the smell of lavender wafted in the air to fill his nose. It had been Leandra’s favourite fragrance and Garrett insisted on keeping small bundles of the herb in his bedroom. Fenris had come to love the lingering smell on his lover and how his own skin retained the scent long after their lovemaking.

Awestruck, Fenris’s breath caught in his throat at the sight before him.

A faint sliver of moonlight shone from the window high on the wall, and lit Garrett’s pale skin with an unearthly glow. For only a brief moment, he felt a surge of panic - was something wrong with Garrett? Then he saw the steady rise and fall of the other’s chest and exhaled, his shoulders sagged with relief.

He is so beautiful. That skin is so pale, no matter he spends all his time outdoors, he never tans.

Fenris took a hesitant step towards the bed, paused for a moment and then a few more until he stood right next to it. Garrett had pushed the sheet off him and as was his want, slept clad only in his smallclothes. Fenris smiled at the sight, no matter how cold the room, at some point in the night Garrett would kick off the covers and sleep on top of them.

He knelt by the side of the bed and carded his fingers through the dark locks fanned out on the pillow. Garrett’s hair was unruly at best and Fenris had taken it upon himself to smooth it to at least a semblance of order when they were out in public. He had thought that humans’ hair would be coarse and thick, but Garrett’s was as soft and fine as spider’s silk and Fenris loved the way it felt in his hands.

“I want to stay with you and watch over you while you sleep. I want to be here when you wake up and fall asleep with you next to me. I…I want to bathe with you and eat supper with you every night. I want you to be happy; I want you to feel safe. I…I could not live without you.”

Fenris’s voice cracked on the last word and he lost the ability to continue. He stood up and unstrapped his sword and laid it against the wall. He proceeded to undo his armour until he was standing in nothing but his breeches. Then he walked to the other side of the bed and climbed on the bed next to the sleeping man.

I love to watch you sleeping. You are so beautiful, so at peace like this.

He scooted closer and wrapped his arms around Garrett and then buried his face in the crook of his lover’s neck.

“Fenris?” Garrett queried in a sleepy voice.

“Shh, love. Go back to sleep, I will be here when you wake up, I promise.”

He closed his eyes and whispered a quiet thank-you to whatever gods had brought this man into his life. He’d never imagined he would find someone who would desire and accept him without wanting to change him. He fell asleep with Garrett snuggled tight against his chest, feeling safe and comfortable.

Fenris later awoke with the first rays of sunlight in his eyes. When he opened them, he stared into a pair of brown eyes framed by a fringe of shaggy black hair. Garrett.

“Good morning, love. I watched you while you slept. Did you know you smile in your sleep? Please let me heal that wound on your hand? Oh, and breakfast is ready downstairs, will you have some with me?”

Garrett’s tone was hopeful, if fragile, as though he doubted that his invitation would be accepted.

Fenris reached out a hand to brush an errant strand of ebony hair behind a round ear.

“Yes, Garrett. I will. Then you and I shall have a discussion.”