It was all… sticky. And the edges were wavy and the angles were all wrong and the thingies were all… floaty… He turned to the side again and heaved into the scrubby dream-bushes. How did one manage to puke in the Fade? Was his body twitching and spitting up on the floor of the Harrowing chamber? He shouldn’t have put on his best robe. He wouldn’t have if he’d known it would get covered in sick. Oh, this was the Spring Festival Dance all over again…
“Ho there, young mage!”
Godwin shrieked and threw up an arm defensively. More of those wispy-shocky things? Maker, he was still singed from the last round! His hair wouldn’t lay flat again if he combed Andraste’s own ashes into his scalp. No, not those. Between his fingers, he spied something that looked like a Templar. A glowy, shimmery, wavy, see-through Templar. Godwin hiccupped, retched, and swallowed hard. The spirit seemed to waver in uncertainty… maybe a little disgust, as well.
“I say again, hail, young fellow! Another one thrown to the wolves, I see. A cowardly test your mages have devised.” The armored spirit bent briefly to tend a phantom forge.
“Coward?” Godwin squeaked. “You try being out here in the Fade for the first time… oh, um, wait… right, sorry. But there are demons and… Um, are you a… What? Oh, no no no, not that I meant to imply that you’re a… Hi there, I’m a Godwin, you’re a mage… I’M a mage, sorry, and you’re a… you…”
The spirit but one hand on its hip while the other scratched what might have been the back of its neck. “I am a spirit of Valor, young… Godwin. You may use one of my weapons in your upcoming battle with the demon.”
The boy brightened considerably. “Really? You would do that?”
“Of course! All you must do is best me in battle!”
“Um… right. See, I’m not really the ‘fighting’ sort of mage. I’m much more the ‘reading’ or the ‘mending of socks’ or the ‘fetching of Enchanter Irving’s foot bath’ sort of mage. I could, um, give you a foot massage…”
“What? Ew! No. Just… no.” The spirit folded its arms and the two stood in awkward silence for a moment. “Out of curiosity,” the glowing Templar began reluctantly, “how exactly are you planning on defeating the demon?”
“Oh! Well, I was hoping to trick it, maybe? Or challenge it to a game of cards?” Godwin allowed himself a small moment of pride and said with a wicked grin, “I play a mean game of Old Maid.”
The spirit nodded slowly and backed away. “Um, alright. Well… good luck with that.”
“Yeah… thanks.”
“I… think you’d better be off…”
“Um, I think I’d better had…”
Godwin scurried down the path quickly, still wondering if the odd spirit was this fabled demon. If so, did he just win? Could he go home? A howl from up the path said no. Godwin dove into the bushes… or would have, at least, if the damn things weren’t knee-high. He could see ahead two ghostly wolves running toward him. They could see him, or smell him, or… whatever wolves did. What did one do when being chased by wolves? C’mon! He knew this! He had read that when defenseless animals are being chased by predators they often… Right!
Well, he needed neither assistance nor second thought to enact that solution. And sure enough, the two wolves stopped mere feet from the young mage, sniffing and whining in confusion. When he took a step forward, the two ghosts even stepped back, tails slung low, and loped away. One looked back over its shoulder in… pity? Nah.
Godwin was inordinately proud of himself for that one. Sure, he reeked of urine now, but one robe peed against his life? Totally worth it.
Man, it really was the Spring Dance all over, wasn’t it?
There was another obstacle in the form of a syphilitic grizzly bear sleeping in the middle of the road, but Godwin bravely crept around the monstrous thing. The only sign it gave to mark his passing was a sniff and an odd sort of grimace. As he rounded the hill, he finally saw a clearing with some sort of metal post in it. That had to be the way out, and look! No demon! He cackled to himself as he took off at a dead run.
Godwin was actually reaching for the pedestal when he saw it, a creature from his blackest nightmares brought to a terrible parody of life.
In his path was a giant gray barn mouse.
“Hello,” it said.
There might have been more words in that unnatural, breathy voice, but Godwin did the bravest thing imaginable. Without thinking, he brought the pointy toe of his boot right down on the monster’s neck. They squealed in unison. Godwin shrieked, “Ew! Ew! Ew!” as he scooted around the clearing, scraping the gory sole of his shoe against the gravel and the weeds of the dreamscape. The crunching sound echoed in his head and the fist of a wrathful god squeezed what was left of his stomach mercilessly, until more tears came out than bile.
There came a great billowing wave of energy from behind him and the boy turned just in time to see the mouse’s broken body rise and expand up up up into a… Godwin shrieked one more time, high and reedy, and freshened the moisture in his trousers just a bit.
The demon stood staring down at the apprentice with a dreadful, unfathomable face. It shook its mighty head. A voice that was ripped from the inner workings of Godwin’s very soul muttered, “You? You’re a mage? Seriously?” He sensed it frowning in a mixture of bewilderment and dismay. “How did you not manage to strangle yourself as a child learning to tie your boots? I could more than easily take your body, but I’m afraid you would somehow taint me with your failure. Tell you what, do you really want to leave?”
It took Godwin a moment to realize that the thing actually wanted an answer. It took his tongue another second to catch up. “Oh, um, y-y-yes, s-s-ser! I w-w-w-want t-t-to leave ever s-s-s-so m-m-much!”
The great beast sighed. “Great,” it grumbled. “Just leave, please. Touch the portal. The portal, on your right… your other right… The big metal post right in front of you! For love of the Black City, touch the effing thing!”
The boy – no – the man felt the energy of the dream realm flowing through him as the Fade… um, faded around him. Without lifting a finger, Godwin, Mage of the Circle, had passed his Harrowing.
Too much fun...
It was all… sticky. And the edges were wavy and the angles were all wrong and the thingies were all… floaty… He turned to the side again and heaved into the scrubby dream-bushes. How did one manage to puke in the Fade? Was his body twitching and spitting up on the floor of the Harrowing chamber? He shouldn’t have put on his best robe. He wouldn’t have if he’d known it would get covered in sick. Oh, this was the Spring Festival Dance all over again…
“Ho there, young mage!”
Godwin shrieked and threw up an arm defensively. More of those wispy-shocky things? Maker, he was still singed from the last round! His hair wouldn’t lay flat again if he combed Andraste’s own ashes into his scalp. No, not those. Between his fingers, he spied something that looked like a Templar. A glowy, shimmery, wavy, see-through Templar. Godwin hiccupped, retched, and swallowed hard. The spirit seemed to waver in uncertainty… maybe a little disgust, as well.
“I say again, hail, young fellow! Another one thrown to the wolves, I see. A cowardly test your mages have devised.” The armored spirit bent briefly to tend a phantom forge.
“Coward?” Godwin squeaked. “You try being out here in the Fade for the first time… oh, um, wait… right, sorry. But there are demons and… Um, are you a… What? Oh, no no no, not that I meant to imply that you’re a… Hi there, I’m a Godwin, you’re a mage… I’M a mage, sorry, and you’re a… you…”
The spirit but one hand on its hip while the other scratched what might have been the back of its neck. “I am a spirit of Valor, young… Godwin. You may use one of my weapons in your upcoming battle with the demon.”
The boy brightened considerably. “Really? You would do that?”
“Of course! All you must do is best me in battle!”
“Um… right. See, I’m not really the ‘fighting’ sort of mage. I’m much more the ‘reading’ or the ‘mending of socks’ or the ‘fetching of Enchanter Irving’s foot bath’ sort of mage. I could, um, give you a foot massage…”
“What? Ew! No. Just… no.” The spirit folded its arms and the two stood in awkward silence for a moment. “Out of curiosity,” the glowing Templar began reluctantly, “how exactly are you planning on defeating the demon?”
“Oh! Well, I was hoping to trick it, maybe? Or challenge it to a game of cards?” Godwin allowed himself a small moment of pride and said with a wicked grin, “I play a mean game of Old Maid.”
The spirit nodded slowly and backed away. “Um, alright. Well… good luck with that.”
“Yeah… thanks.”
“I… think you’d better be off…”
“Um, I think I’d better had…”
Godwin scurried down the path quickly, still wondering if the odd spirit was this fabled demon. If so, did he just win? Could he go home? A howl from up the path said no. Godwin dove into the bushes… or would have, at least, if the damn things weren’t knee-high. He could see ahead two ghostly wolves running toward him. They could see him, or smell him, or… whatever wolves did. What did one do when being chased by wolves? C’mon! He knew this! He had read that when defenseless animals are being chased by predators they often… Right!
Well, he needed neither assistance nor second thought to enact that solution. And sure enough, the two wolves stopped mere feet from the young mage, sniffing and whining in confusion. When he took a step forward, the two ghosts even stepped back, tails slung low, and loped away. One looked back over its shoulder in… pity? Nah.
Godwin was inordinately proud of himself for that one. Sure, he reeked of urine now, but one robe peed against his life? Totally worth it.
Man, it really was the Spring Dance all over, wasn’t it?
There was another obstacle in the form of a syphilitic grizzly bear sleeping in the middle of the road, but Godwin bravely crept around the monstrous thing. The only sign it gave to mark his passing was a sniff and an odd sort of grimace. As he rounded the hill, he finally saw a clearing with some sort of metal post in it. That had to be the way out, and look! No demon! He cackled to himself as he took off at a dead run.
Godwin was actually reaching for the pedestal when he saw it, a creature from his blackest nightmares brought to a terrible parody of life.
In his path was a giant gray barn mouse.
“Hello,” it said.
There might have been more words in that unnatural, breathy voice, but Godwin did the bravest thing imaginable. Without thinking, he brought the pointy toe of his boot right down on the monster’s neck. They squealed in unison. Godwin shrieked, “Ew! Ew! Ew!” as he scooted around the clearing, scraping the gory sole of his shoe against the gravel and the weeds of the dreamscape. The crunching sound echoed in his head and the fist of a wrathful god squeezed what was left of his stomach mercilessly, until more tears came out than bile.
There came a great billowing wave of energy from behind him and the boy turned just in time to see the mouse’s broken body rise and expand up up up into a… Godwin shrieked one more time, high and reedy, and freshened the moisture in his trousers just a bit.
The demon stood staring down at the apprentice with a dreadful, unfathomable face. It shook its mighty head. A voice that was ripped from the inner workings of Godwin’s very soul muttered, “You? You’re a mage? Seriously?” He sensed it frowning in a mixture of bewilderment and dismay. “How did you not manage to strangle yourself as a child learning to tie your boots? I could more than easily take your body, but I’m afraid you would somehow taint me with your failure. Tell you what, do you really want to leave?”
It took Godwin a moment to realize that the thing actually wanted an answer. It took his tongue another second to catch up. “Oh, um, y-y-yes, s-s-ser! I w-w-w-want t-t-to leave ever s-s-s-so m-m-much!”
The great beast sighed. “Great,” it grumbled. “Just leave, please. Touch the portal. The portal, on your right… your other right… The big metal post right in front of you! For love of the Black City, touch the effing thing!”
The boy – no – the man felt the energy of the dream realm flowing through him as the Fade… um, faded around him. Without lifting a finger, Godwin, Mage of the Circle, had passed his Harrowing.
This was so totally going to get him laid.